What Are You Thinking About?

What are you thinking? You know, in the quiet, when you are brave enough to pay attention. What thoughts go through your mind?

I used to be a pessimist. I don’t know if it was a natural bent or if I learned it. As far as I knew, it was how I was. The beautiful thing is, I am not a pessimist anymore.

How did this happen?

The pattern of my negative inner dialogue was heightened and exposed when I experienced severe post-pardom depression.  I love being pregnant, it turns out the elevated levels of progesterone were a total high for me. The sudden plummet of hormones after birth put me in a tailspin until I finished nursing and they regulated again. By the third pregnancy my awesome doctor had figured it out, and I discovered that I really do like babies. I cannot tell you how thankful I was that God granted this insight to my Physician. Progesterone replacement was not an accepted form of treatment, my doctor was concerned about backlash from his peers and chose to try it with me anyway. I am so very grateful.

These two initial episodes exposed the flaws in my thinking to a degree I do not think words can adequately express. I was much more aware of my thoughts going forward and realized my tendency to let my thoughts dwell on negativity. I saw the connection to depression and behaviors in my life that I didn’t want. I started reading and researching. I did not want to experience depression again, I wanted to do what was within my power to prevent it. Because of my background in Psychology, I knew those initial two episodes put me at risk for future depression.

I began to analyze my thinking, how behavior was connected to it. I read, read some more and read more again. I started to journal and dove into scripture with a new thirst and intensity.

I recognized that I needed to renew my mind through truth, it was my responsibility to capture my thoughts and make them obedient. That meant being aware of what I was thinking, recognizing the lies and replacing them with truth. I was intensely convicted about the importance of my thought life and inner dialogue.

I was a classic analyzer, over thinker, trapped in my head with a million thoughts whirling around. I began the hard work of paying attention to those thoughts. Over time I got faster at discovering the lies I was permitting myself to believe. I was working hard to replace them with truth. Some days I was strong enough to, other days I failed, sometimes for weeks.

I stuck with it. When one of our children began to suffer from a chronic illness, I began to descend into the darkness of depression again. I got help from my doctor, relied on God and my friends for support.  I refused to give up because I wanted to be the best wife and Mom I could. God multiplied my feeble efforts. he gave me strength to be tenacious. When I failed, he picked me up and helpe me start again.

I cannot tell you when it happened. I cannot say there was a magic moment when I became different. Just all of a sudden I realized my inner dialogue was different. My brain had changed. I don’t dwell on the negative or get stuck in my head with my twisted thoughts. I have to stay on top of it, stay vigilant. But I have changed. God was faithful to His word and renewed my mind through truth.

We have experienced some significant stress in these last 8 years. Physical, emotional, and circumstances so dire we nearly lost hope. It has been a rough go. Situations that previously would have thrown me into depression did not have that impact on me. My doctor warned me with each surgery that depression was a risk. It didn’t happen even though I watched carefully for the symptoms. We have experienced grief, loss, frustration but in it all there has been joy, hope and a deep celebration of life. I have learned what it is to live abundantly in spite of struggle. It has come from changing my thoughts. My brain is different.

This sermon from Life Church is entitled Words To Live By, it is a powerful and effective teaching on this topic. We have printed out the download and are working through it with our kids. I encourage you to do the same. These are clear, well laid out action steps. Invaluable!!

Dr. Caroline Leaf is an expert in this field, she has done incredible research and work. If I had known about her when I graduated,  I would have dragged my family all the way to Africa to train under her. I would have volunteered if possible as my focus and interest was Neuropsych.  Her book Switch on your Brain is another excellent resource.

Our minds are powerful. They hold incredible potential.

What are you thinking about?