Building a Great Marriage

One of the greatest parts of Craig's work is the opportunity to coach couples through pre-marital counselling. It's that time of year again!! Spring is coming which means wedding season is upon us. We get the chance to sit down with young couples and talk about how to lay the foundations of a great marriage. It is one of my favorite ways to partner with Craig in his work. For us it is a regular opportunity to take a closer look at our own marriage and put energy into the areas that need some attention.

Great marriages don't just happen, they are nurtured.  This nurturing will look different for every couple, but there will be similarities common to all. These are all achievable behaviors. It requires making your marriage a priority. That isn't all that hard, is it? Especially once kids come along, right?! ;) I know, I know! We lose our rhythm all the time!! That is why I love being involved with Craig in this area of his work. It is an automatic opportunity for us to check in on our relationship. So, with that in mind, here are some of the fundamental behaviors that build a great marriage.

1. A regular pulse check. For us, it comes with wedding season. The start of a new year might be a good time for this. You may not like making resolutions, but it may be a good time to evaluate your marriage and decide on some behaviors that will strengthen it. You may want to add in check points along the way, just to make sure you are on track. This entire concept is different than a date night. If this becomes the focus of your date nights it will kill the actual purpose of them.

2.  Spiritual intimacy. I count myself so fortunate in this area. With Craig's work, we are often talking about the word of God and how it is shaping us. We are both pursuing loving God with all that we are. Sharing what God is doing in us is an automatic invitation into one another's inner world. It was something my parents modeled well. I am glad it is a characteristic of our marriage and that our children have witnessed and even participated in it. There can always be more conversation of this nature.

3. A common goal. It is great if this can be something that will have eternal significance. This keeps you moving in the same direction cooperatively. If it is something of eternal significance it can feed your souls and draw you towards spiritual intimacy. A common goal creates an atmosphere that keeps you working together to achieve a common purpose. It will help you grow closer rather than apart.

4. Know how your spouse receives love. This was a concept introduced by Gary Chapman in a book called The 5 Love Languages. We naturally show love in the ways we receive it. That doesn't work well if you receive love in ways that are different from how your loved one does. Craig needs hugs, kisses and cuddles from me. He is going to starve if all I do is speak words of affirmation to him. I need to make sure I am speaking his language not mine. This has to be a conscious daily choice because it is not natural. Take the test here.

5. Fight fair. Remember you are always on the same team. It is important to focus on behavior. Never attack character, this is so very damaging. It is also important to protect the commitment and security of marriage. Make a choice to never threaten to leave your partner, especially during a disagreement. Do not even allow yourself to entertain the idea of divorce.  I have written a little more on conflict in marriage in a post titled "The Most Helpful Warning About Marriage My Mom Gave Me".

6. Figure out how to manage your money together. This area takes down marriages more often than it should. This is one of our greatest weaknesses. It is an area that needs the most pulse checks. This was a predictable trouble area because we are both youngest kids. Working together on money makes sure we are on the same page, working towards common financial goals. This helps a spender reign in spending.  It also helps a saver remember that some kinds of spending are important, for instance holidays are a great use of money even though they reduce the account balance. We always recommend that couples attend a Freed-Up Financial Living course. This is so important! I cannot emphasize it enough.

7. Sexual intimacy. It is important to talk freely and neutrally about this. For a couple to thrive in this area you have to develop an attitude of meeting one another's needs instead of only fulfilling your own. Creating an atmosphere where there is freedom to talk about this area of your relationship is so important. Keep it lively, keep it fun, keep it safe. The marriage bed is a sacred space, protect it.

8. Connect and have fun together through common interests. It is crucial to share similar interests. For Craig and I, recreation is a practical way we do this. We love playing together. Sharing a love for God, the Bible and our church family are also areas of commonality for us. These interests continually build a shared world. They also create opportunities to connect and have fun together. Common interests help us make great memories and occasions to laugh together.  Really, it comes down to bonding.

9. Regular date nights. This is another area where we find our stride and lose it. The kids get sick, life gets busy and all of a sudden we haven't had a date night in forever. Right now our kids are at an age where they are up when we wake up and they go to bed when we go to bed. There is no time in the day when we are without them. I adore my children, love them to pieces! But, oh how I miss 7:30 bedtimes!!! If we are going to have a chance to talk about anything, Craig and I need to get out, just the two of us. If you can afford weekend get-a-ways, do it!!! Seriously!!!

10. If you choose to have kids, your partner always comes before your kids. The kids are going to grow up and leave you. This is good! They need to get on with their own lives. You have a covenant to be together until the end of your days with your marriage partner. Your partner comes first. This actually is best for your kids, they are safest in the stability of your marriage. Kids are more secure when they know their parents are undivided and cannot be manipulated.  Dote on your spouse, but never do for a child what they can do on their own.

These are some of the behaviors that we have noticed are common in couples who are building strong marriages. Building, meaning requiring a plan and ongoing effort. You don't have to settle for mediocre. Remember why you fell in love in the first place and get back to that as your start point. From there, work together to achieve the intimacy and strength you desire for your relationship. Consider finding a mentor couple whose relationship you respect and ask them to guide you and offer insight. God has amazing things for you and the one you  have chosen to be your soul-mate for life's journey. Don't settle for less than great.

The Benefits of Sport Part 2: Character & Faith Training

In my previous post I mentioned that competitive sport has been a bit of an experiment for me. Along the way we have tried to prayerfully consider it's place and purpose for our kids and have been evaluating it's impact on them.

I realized very quickly that God had wired our children with a love for movement. After gymnastics, Craig and I started to avoid higher level competitive commitments. It soon became clear that no matter what we tried, our older two wanted higher competition. When we tried new things, sooner or later they were given the opportunity for greater competition. Our kids are not the best athletes out there and our goals are not for professional sport. That being said, the opportunity for higher level competition happened often enough for me to stop and wonder if God had a plan for our kids in sport, and if we were getting in the way.  Eventually I realized  that God wanted to use competitive sport to start developing and preparing them for the good works he had for them to do.  They have struggled with these lessons and not always accomplished their goals. They acknowledge the worthiness of these character traits and have tried to achieve consistency in these areas. Please hear me when I say, "they have not arrived" but they are striving to develop these qualities.

With higher levels of competition we tried to expand their view of the opportunities they were getting. Sport is about more than just sport. If you are wired to create art, God delights in participating with you in developing that skill. He loves using it for his glory and enjoyment. God is honored when you use your skill and have fun doing it. It is the same with sport. If you are good at athletics, God created you for it.  It delights him to see you play.  He has a Kingdom purpose for the opportunities he gives you in it. It is bigger than being the best athlete you can be.  We started asking our kids to keep their eyes open to see what God was doing. Getting on a team is not about getting what you want, but it is about what God is doing. It is about growing in ways God is calling you to grow. It is about being available to partner with Him in his work in team mate's lives. We asked them to remember it was about what God was doing in and through them. 

Early on I started recognizing the value of the character and faith training that had the potential to happen. 

1. God is trustworthy. The first time our oldest boy tried for a city team, he wasn't picked. He was really disappointed. He was stoic and strong, but I knew he was hurting. I wrapped him up in a hug and told him I had asked God to do what was best for him. "You did?! How is this best?" he asked.  I told him we would just have to watch and see what that best was. I told him I knew God wouldn't let him down. He landed in a house team with a libero for a coach. They drilled the basics and he had a good time. The following school season when they faced a player with a tough serve, or a strong hitter, he was put in because his defense was strong. He got a lot of court time. He started to realize God had done the right thing for him. It was so great to have him reach that conclusion even though there had been disappointment. 

2. They have learned to be supportive. Both kids have learned to celebrate the success of others in the face of their own disappointment. They have learned to sincerely congratulate a friend for their success while coping with a personal loss or failure. Some of my most beautiful moments of parental joy have happened in these tough circumstances. Watching my child push their personal disappointment aside, smile genuinely at a friend and say "I am happy for you" has made my heart soar, even while it's breaking. It shows incredible depth and strength.

3. They have learned cooperation and respect. Teams can only achieve their potential if each player does their part the best they can and if there is genuine respect for one another. When there is mutual respect, players can be carefree and access their skill set because they do not have to worry that a mistake threatens their place in the team. Each player has to trust the other to do their job or they get in each other's way and wreck the play.  Sport has helped them learn to trust others to do their job. It has reinforced the importance of focusing on playing their own position and showing others respect.

4. Perseverance. If a skill needs developing, a team needs to find it's rhythm relationally, is in a building season, or if a coach is challenging to work with, perseverance is necessary.  Love for their sport and a determination to keep at it develops this quality. It is an opportunity to show their mettle. They have had tough seasons that have required both courage and fortitude.  Their willingness to not give up has proven to us they love their sport and are willing to do what it takes to play it. The love of a game drives participation even when circumstances are less than ideal. God has been a part of those seasons and has supplied the strength and depth to persevere.

5. They have learned that they want to play with players who are dependable and therefore, they need to be dependable. There is nothing more heartbreaking as having your teammates give up, not show up or give less than their best. A game, training period, or season is not over until it's over and teammates need to be able to help each other fight to the end.

6. Solidarity, you win together, you lose together. No one player carries all the responsibility. As a result, you build the unit, encourage one another, celebrate together, protect one another, draw the best out of one another and give your best for one another. That can be the difference between a team that wins and a team that has potential but just can't seem to come together to achieve it. 

7. Leadership. This has been the biggest challenge on teams where there has been strife between players, or between the coach and players. Our kids have learned to go against the flow, to encourage behavior that will make the team stronger, and they try to lead by example. If needed, they have even challenged an attitude openly and with respect. They have done this because they care about the team being the best it can be for everyone.

8. Our kids have learned to be brave. Staying strong in their faith and values when surrounded by those with different beliefs and standards is not for the faint of heart.

9. They have learned that God has a purpose.  Our kids have learned to risk sharing the truth they have learned and experienced about God. It doesn't take long for a team to know they go to church and love Jesus. Jesus makes them different. When they are asked about it, they are ready to give a compassionate answer. These have been amazing moments. Most importantly, they have learned to love their team mates and care for them.  They have learned that God cares deeply for all people and is always at work. If their eyes are open, they just might get the chance to join him.

10. Sport has taught them to be humble and teachable. A good player is a coachable player. If a player thinks they know it all, they are not able to give the coach and the team what is needed. A big part of sport is accepting that there is always more to learn.

11. They have learned God has a plan.  Their futures may or may not involve competitive sport. That is not the goal. The goal is that they are where God wants them and allowing him to shape and grow them. God has used sport as a training ground to prepare them to live the life they are called to.

There have been times when a change in sport was necessary. There have also been times when our kids have astonished us with their fortitude and perseverance. At times, we have wanted to pull them out. They have strongly refused, choosing instead to fight through the challenges they were facing. I know it has been worth it. God has used their variety of sport involvement to shape their characters, deepen their faith and develop mental discipline. The journey has had it's joys and it's sorrows. God is always working and loving them through it all. Sometimes they need help to see what he is doing. We have tried to be faithful in what he is calling them to. I know God has been using all of it to prepare them. I can't wait to see what is next for them!!

The Benefits of Sport 1: Mental and Physical Training

Our city has the pleasure of hosting a National sporting event. We are not usually a sport watching family, we would rather being playing. However, for certain events like the Olympics or National games, we become sport watching fanatics!! It has had me thinking about the benefit of sport and what our family's experience has been with it.

When our kids were small, we couldn't keep them still. I know this is common in many homes. They would discover a loop in the design of our home and run laps. They would run and run and run. They would run for the simple joy of it.  My living room was a gymnasium, they were always setting up obstacle courses.

My goal was to have them nodding sleepily at the dinner table. Between our family recreation and sports, I maybe accomplished it a handful of times.  They were tireless! We started with swim lessons and gymnastics. Our kids had an affinity for movement and enjoyed it. We became a little gun shy of the opportunities for higher level competition after our daughter had been asked to try competitive gymnastics. She was excited to give it a try. She loved it, we couldn't keep her feet on the ground.  Training for 4 hours soon became 6 hours, which quickly turned to 9 hours.  All of a sudden there was only eating, sleeping and sport for an 8 year old.  Her brothers were missing her.  So were we. In the end, we asked her if she was ready to try something else.  We were so glad she was!

We continued to let their interests drive what sport they tried until they found one they fell in love with.  For our older two that is volleyball. For our youngest, he is still searching.

Sport has been valuable for many reasons. I grew up with music and know the benefits of that training. I grew up doing sport as family recreation. Competitive sport has been an experiment for me and I see value in it for numerous reasons. It has taught our children many important mental and physical skills.

1. It has given them confidence in their bodies. Our kids know what they are physically capable of. They are body aware. From the time they were small, we encouraged them to explore  movement. They know how their bodies work and have had the chance to challenge themselves in a number of different ways, with a number of different skills. In Karate they had to learn to take hard hits. They know how to now, and they know how to work through pain.  They know they are tough because they have had to be tough. They know what a hard punch and kick feels like. They are not afraid. They know they are strong. That physical confidence gives them an inner confidence.

2. They know their limits.  Gymnastics and Karate specifically trained them to know that even if their muscles want to quit, their mind is what controls how far they can go physically. They can train to the point of nausea and they know it wont hurt them.  In Karate, it was a purposeful exercise in mental discipline.  If your mind wants it, your body will do it; some call it heart.  This has benefited them in numerous ways. Coaches comment on how hard they work.  Our kids have learned they only cheat themselves if they slack off, and are not afraid to push themselves.

3. They have the courage to try new things. Since they have confidence and know their limits, they have the courage to take a risk. It is great that they will try new things and honestly, it was one of our goals in introducing them to sport in the first place. Trying new activities is a great way to meet new people and discover new passions.

4. They know that they can only play their best when they are relaxed and carefree.  This is a huge mental battle and easier for some athletes than it is for others. They have learned techniques and tricks to try to get on top of their mental game.  They know it isn't enough to be physically capable, but that being mentally capable is critical to being the best athlete they can be.  This discipline is difficult. Maybe the most difficult. They are young and to know it already is a big step. This helps them train their thoughts. It keeps them focused on keeping their sport fun. It is essential in helping them reach their potential as an athlete. This skill separates good athletes from great athletes.

5. Our kids know there are many talented athletes. They know that to be their best, they cannot ride on skill alone. Additional commitment to proper nutrition and over all fitness helps them be the best athlete they can be. They know there are committed players who deserve a chance and are working hard to get it. If our kids want that chance, they know they have to fight for it. If they have that chance, they know they need to keep working hard and fight to keep it. Sport has taught them that work ethic is valuable and important.

6. It has given them an appreciation for fitness. Knowing how their body responds physically when they are fit has developed a commitment to staying fit.  This was our biggest goal in introducing our kids to sport. We want our kids to have a love of movement and a commitment to health for their lifetime.
They have already demonstrated that they value a healthy body. They have all shown discipline in fitness during their off seasons. This has been exciting for us to see.

I recognize value in all of these skills. We love sport for what it has taught our kids. It has been worth the investment of time, money, sweat and tears. I believe these lessons have prepared them in beneficial ways for their futures. For us, sport was about finding something they loved to play at. If it was fun, they were the one pushing to participate in it. We wanted physical challenge and skill development for them. Sport was a chance for our children to develop their personal athletic potential.

The mental and physical training and benefits have been interesting for me to evaluate along the way. I would encourage families to encourage their kids to explore sport. I would also encourage keeping expectations and outcomes realistic, kid driven and healthy for their life times.

What Could Lent Mean for Evangelicals?

Ash Wednesday was yesterday. Many of us are unaware of it's significance. Some have become aware recently and as Evangelicals have begun to participate in the practice of Lent. Ash Wednesday begins the start of this spiritual exercise.

The practice of Lent is ancient but it's practice by Evangelicals is fairly new. I found myself asking why Evangelicals rejected it in the first place and what our purpose is for engaging in it again?  I do not want this to be a strictly academic exploration, in fact I will not dive in too deep.  I just want to scratch the surface and begin my own journey into further understanding it.  I tried to read articles and posts that cover a broad range of reactions to the Evangelical community participating in Lent in order to be well rounded in my approach.

Initially Reformers rejected Lent because it was not a practice demonstrated by Christ. In reaction to the Roman Catholic Church and practices that were not biblically based, and because of abuses of power, the practice of Lent was abandoned. This is an oversimplified summary. There is so much more. But for my purposes initially, it is enough.

Some quotes I found valuable in my search:

John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion, 4.12.20 (1536)

Calvin is clearly hostile to describing lenten fasting as an imitation of Christ.

Then the superstitious observance of Lent had everywhere prevailed: for both the vulgar imagined that they thereby perform some excellent service to God, and pastors commended it as a holy imitation of Christ; though it is plain that Christ did not fast to set an example to others, but, by thus commencing the preaching of the gospel, meant to prove that his doctrine was not of men, but had come from heaven. And it is strange how men of acute judgment could fall into this gross delusion, which so many clear reasons refute: for Christ did not fast repeatedly (which he must have done had he meant to lay down a law for an anniversary fast), but once only, when preparing for the promulgation of the gospel. Nor does he fast after the manner of men, as he would have done had he meant to invite men to imitation; he rather gives an example, by which he may raise all to admire rather than study to imitate him. . . . It was therefore merely false zeal, replete with superstition, which set up a fast under the title and pretext of imitating Christ.

Furthermore, Lent was rejected because it was seen as a works based way to add to Christ's work of grace. It was viewed as a work done by human will power that resulted in no significant spiritual transformation.  It was an act accomplished solely on human strength. To Reformers and early Evangelicals, Lent was a mockery of what Christ wanted to accomplish in our lives. It was rejected for numerous reasons, one of them being how it was practiced by their contemporaries. Reformers and some early Evangelicals saw it as meaningless and counter productive practice because reliance on Christ and the Spirit was not a part of the observance. To give up a sin for a time does not honor Christ's sacrifice or his desire to fully transform us and bring us victory over sin. Again, very over simplified.

John Owen, On the Mortification of Sin in Believers (1656)

Owen wrote extensively on the Christian practice for mortification of the flesh. However, he was very clear to differentiate the gospel practice of mortification from practices of “popish devotionists.” 

That the ways and means to be used for the mortification of sin invented by them are still insisted on and prescribed, for the same end, by some who should have more light and knowledge of the gospel, is known. Such directions to this purpose have of late been given by some, and are greedily catched at by others professing themselves Protestants, as might have become popish devotionists three or four hundred years ago. Such outside endeavors, such bodily exercises, such self-performances, such merely legal duties, without the least mention of Christ or his Spirit, are varnished over with swelling words of vanity, for the only means and expedients for the mortification of sin, as discover a deep-rooted unacquaintedness with the power of God and mystery of the gospel.
They bid men vow to abstain from their sin for a season. This commonly makes their lust more impetuous. Perhaps with great perplexity they keep their word; perhaps not, which increases their guilt and torment. Is their sin at all mortified hereby? Do they find a conquest over it? Is their condition changed, though they attain a relinquishment of it? Are they not still in the gall of bitterness? Is not this to put men to make brick, if not without straw, yet, which is worse, without strength? What promise hath any unregenerate man to countenance him in this work? what assistance for the performance of it? Can sin be killed without an interest in the death of Christ, or mortified without the Spirit? If such directions should prevail to change men’s lives, as seldom they do, yet they never reach to the change of their hearts or conditions. They may make men self-justiciaries or hypocrites, not Christians.

Martyn Lloyd-Jones, sermon from John 1 (1962)

Lloyd-Jones is blunt in his appraisal.

Lent, of course, is a relic of Roman Catholicism. One can easily understand it in such an organization – it gives power to the priest, and so on – but there is, I repeat, no evidence whatsoever in favor of it in the New Testament, and it simply leads to this show of wisdom and human will power. It is people adding their works to the grace of God, and this is essentially Roman Catholic teaching. Well, my friends, let us get rid of this, let us not waste our time with it. We are to be led by the Spirit always.

Explore more information here. 

So, where does that leave me? I believe the practice of Lent for Evangelicals needs to be evaluated more thoroughly. Perhaps we need to develop a more complete understanding of it's history. We should know why it was rejected by Reformers and early Evangelists. In order to avoid the spiritual pitfalls it can lead to,  we need to know what they are and what led to them. I think we need to clearly define our purpose for this practice and also how we can use it beneficially for our spiritual growth.

Where do I stand on Evangelicals observing Lent? I clearly feel the need to evaluate it more. I am not prepared to throw away the concept just yet. I myself participate in this practice.

 At this point I view it as more of a spiritual exercise. I have found that observing it is an opportunity to prepare spiritually for Easter. When I practice Lent, I use fasting from an activity, substance or thought pattern as a catalyst.  When I long to participate in the activity I am fasting from I use that to remind myself to depend on the Holy Spirit. I use it as an opportunity to pray and reflect. When I catch myself wanting to participate in the act I am fasting from, it is a reminder to connect with Christ and more specifically his journey to the Cross. It is an opportunity to rely on the Spirit for strength in the task I have chosen to fast from. I have always viewed this work as opportunity for long term change.

These practices have prepared me for celebrating Easter. I find myself more mentally and spiritually prepared to participate fully in the extraordinary event that changed history. Without this preparation period, Easter comes and goes without enough time for me to engage it meaningfully.  I hurtle through without enough time to reflect on why Jesus conquering death and rising again is such a game changer for believers, for me.

Maybe I feel the need for this more and more because we have moved away from the Church calendar. We no longer emphasize the spiritual rhythm created by the calendar. I often feel these spiritual seasons come and go without enough time to contemplate. Life is moving so fast for me right now. I need to engage in a practice that helps me purposefully and deeply connect with all that God accomplished by sending Jesus.

2 Timothy 1:9-10
He has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel.

Through Jesus dying on the cross, we receive the forgiveness of our sin. I receive freedom from my sin. Through Jesus conquering death by rising on the third day, we receive eternal life.  The hope of glory is for all of us because of this incredible event. Transformation in our lives is possible through the Spirit and there is good news for all. We serve a living, mighty God.  The spiritual exercise of practicing Lent has helped me rejoice in this more fully, more mindfully. I hope everyone can find a spiritual exercise that will help them to achieve this preparation.

Check out this article.

Life Abundant

Have you ever wondered if there is more?  We tell our kids to reach for the stars and then often turn around and live lives of mediocrity.  We have everything we could possibly want or need in North America, yet we are dissatisfied.

I often hear people say they are just existing. Somehow there is the sense that we are missing something. We are failing to thrive. We covet more, more stuff, more experiences, more accomplishments thinking it will fill the hole. The dissatisfaction. The longing for more. For many there is a deep, persistent inner disatisfaction.

I watched a video of Christians who were turned out of their city. They had three options. Convert to Islam, die or run. Whatever they tried to leave with was confiscated. They left with the cloths they wore and nothing else. As they were interviewed, over and over their eyes shone with joy. In the midst of an over crowded refugee camp, living in tents, sleeping on cots, they absolutely beamed with joy. They had Jesus and each other they said and that was enough.

The question was asked at bible study this week, "What does it look like to love God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength?" "Who are you when you are teaming with love for God? What do you want to do right then?"  I wonder, how many of us have experienced loving God to that extent? I have, just not as consistently as I could. I wonder if we have been in touch with what we want to do in that moment we are flooded with love for God?  I have a whisper of an idea, not fully formed.

I have often thought that the devil doesn't have to do much in America. It is all set up for him. We can be so easily distracted from pursuing God and loving him with all our heart, soul and strength. We have phones attached to us at all times. We can access the news, the weather, games, social media. Anything to keep us from boredom or solitude. There is Netflix, cable, music, books, hobbies. 

We don't ever have to have a quiet moment or even face our withering souls because we can pack some kind of distraction or entertainment into every waking moment.  The devil doesn't have to trip us up and distract us from God because we are already doing it. We are doing it well. As I watched the video of those Christians who had lost all earthly things, some of them lost loved ones, I saw what I want more of. In the midst of all that they suffered, their joy cut straight to my heart and I wanted it. 

They didn't waste energy being angry at God, something I have often done in the midst of struggle. They just clung to him and lit up the screen with a joy that was beyond human comprehension. Jesus was the source of that joy. They said so and I could see it.  I wonder, would joy shine on me in that situation? Would Jesus be enough for me in that?

The question also came up, "Have you ever been around someone who loves The Lord deeply and is in the center of his will for them? How does that impact you?"  I have had that pleasure few times in my life. My parents love for God is deep and real and impacts me greatly, their lives have created a hunger for God and his word in my life. My husband does the same. To be honest, often I find that inspiration in the books that I read. Bill Hull, Dallas Willard, John Ortberg. 

Recently I was caught off guard by a video of Jim Caviezel. As I watched, I saw a man who was daily struggling to love Jesus truly.  Spending time with God and spoke with a passion and deep love for God. As I listened it became clear that for him, the bible was a treasure. For him, it was a priority to know the Bible well. I was impacted by the video presence of a man who clearly had been with close with Jesus. I saw the gentleman interviewing a him kind of squirming in his presence the way Oprah did when she interviewed Billy Graham.  It made me think of how the Israelites reacted when Moses came down the mountain from meeting with God. 

Exodus 34:29-30 When Moses came down from Mount Sinai, with the two tablets of the testimony in his hand as he came down from the mountain, Moses did not know that the skin of his face shone because he had been talking with God. Aaron and all the people of Israel saw Moses, and behold, the skin of his faceshone, and they were afraid to come near him.

It shows on us when we are with God. It shows on Billy Graham, and I was stunned to see it on this actor.  Being with Jesus changes us. I didn't find it uncomfortable watching Jim Caveizel, maybe because I had that degree of separation, I wasn't actually in his presence.  I did however recognize that he is someone who spends a lot of time with Jesus and listening to him made me want to spend more time with Jesus. Not just want to, deeply crave to.  Not just a little time but a lot of time.

Jesus came so that we could have abundant life. In John 10:10 he says, "I have come that they may have life and have it to the full." There is more, so much more for us! Life to the full happens when we love The Lord with our heart, soul, mind and strength. It happens when we are in the middle of his will for us and in the Bible. True satisfaction is there for the taking, yet I often settle for cheap substitutes. 

The video of Jim Caviezel followed closely by the video of persecuted Christians were a challenge.  God talking to me. Waking in me a desire, a desperate hunger for more. I knew after seeing both of these videos God was calling me deeper.  They came right after finishing the book SoulKeeping. 

John Ortberg talks of being with Dalas Willard, another spiritual giant, near the end of his life. Someone asked Dallas if he had any regrets. He answered "I regret the time I have wasted".  That shook me hard. If Dallas Willard had regrets of wasted time, I'm in trouble. Deep trouble.

Ortberg continues quoting Paul in Ephesians 5:15-16 Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Dallas said that we hunger because the life we could be living far exceeds our strangest dreams. God is calling me deeper, there is life, fullness of life waiting for me. 

The challenge is how do I stray focused amidst the crazy distractions of this world? I already regret the time I have wasted. I don't want to also regret not changing that when I had the chance. I want to use my time to reach for all I can. 

For me, making the Bible a priority in my life is the first step. Then, surrounding myself with people who are striving too know and love God well. It may be through books, video, or hopefully through people who are in my life. Meeting with my Spiritual Director is important.  Spending time in solitude, seeking God, loving and listening to him is critical. As I give more and more of my time to this, fullness of life comes to me with quiet, satisfying, sublime beauty.  That is where I find satisfaction. That is where I find fullness of. life. That is where the adventure begins!

Is It Love Or Lust?

Valentines is coming, it is a day where we are supposed to celebrate love. Popular folklore says Valentinus was imprisoned for conducting marriages for soldiers who were forbidden to wed and for ministering to Christians who were persecuted under the Roman Empire. During his imprisonment he healed the jailers daughter. His last act was to write her a farewell message signed "Your Valentine" before his execution.

I used to be very apathetic about Valentines day. As our society increasingly confuses the meaning of real love, I am becoming a strong Valentines day supporter.  This year, the release of the movie 50 Shades of Grey for Valentines Day has me feeling nauseous. I don't have to read the book or see the movie to know it doesn't celebrate love. It romanticises lust. How do I know? New York Times book reviews are enough to tell me this is not the kind of relationship I would want to be in. Book reviews are enough to tell me this series is about lust and includes nothing remotely close to love. Real love is not self seeking, controlling, or characterized by the need to own another.  Seriously, who calls their most cherished love an "asset"?! 

I wonder, "why are women falling for this lie?" 

Lust is defined as

(Noun)

intense sexual desire or appetite

uncontrolled or illicit sexual desire or appetite;lecherousness.

a passionate or overmastering desire or craving

(Verb)

to have intense sexual desire

to have a yearning or desire; have a strong or excessive craving 

dictionary.reference.com

I guess women fall for this kind of book and movie because they long to be the focus of some ones desire. As women, we are created with the longing to be found enchanting. To be found beautiful, and that for the one we love, we alone would be desired. As we grow from childhood, we wonder if we will ever be "the one" for someone else. In the book Captivating, Stasi Eldridge writes "every woman in her heart of hearts longs for three things: to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to unveil beauty." That is not to say that these are our only longings, but if we are honest with ourselves they are common to many women.  Lust masquerades as what we want and always fades into unfulfilled disappointment. 

As I read the definitions, lust shows itself for what it is. Selfish and self serving. Craving, appetite, desire are all "self" focused words.  It is all about satisfying ones own cravings and appetites. It is not concerned about what it good for the other person. If you have ever been in a relationship with someone who is selfish and never learns to care for you as well, you know how quickly this gets old.

The danger of a book or movie like 50 Shades of Grey is that it romanticises this idea of lust and holds the false promise that "happily ever after" with someone like this is possible. Who can honestly say they would want their sister, daughter, or niece in this kind of situation? 

When lust runs it's course and we recognize it's promises are empty, demeaning and unsatisfying we begin to realize what we really want is love. 

Love is so different. The greatest example is that expressed by Jesus who loved us so much that he gave his life for us. Valentinus, the namesake of Valentines day lived this selfless love, risking his life, he was compassionate and merciful offering comfort to those who were mistreated and tortured. He offered official marriage to those who needed what marriage offered, yet were denied it by the government the served and protected. Love is about others not ourselves. It puts what is best for someone else above what we want or even what might be best for us.

Love, even by the human definition is strikingly different than lust.

(Noun)

a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend

a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

Intense sexual desire

(Verb)

to have love or affection for to have profoundly tender, passionate affection for
dictionary.reference.com

The definitions point to thinking of another.  Care for another is expressed. The definitions for lust are grossly self absorbed by contrast.

The greatest definition of true love is found in God, his word spells it out for us. Love is more than a feeling. True love is evidenced in action. 1 Corinthians defines it for us. This definition of love forms the foundation of all love, platonic and romantic.

Love is patient 

and kind; 

love does not envy or boast; 

it is not arrogant or rude.

 It does not insist on its own way; 

it is not irritable or resentful; 

it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, 

but rejoices with the truth. 

Love bears all things, 

believes all things, 

hopes all things, 

endures all things. 

Love never fails.

These actions require self control on our own part. To love this way, we do not give into our selfishness. Lust is all about satisfying our own selfishness. No self control is needed. Lust demands only that we meet our own selfish desires. Love sets itself apart, it is so distinctly other focused and it demands the best of us. Love sets the bar high and helps us strive to be our best self. 

This is how I want to be loved and it is how I want to express love. I am so thankful for my husband. He does his best to love me like this and I do try to love him this way in return. Personally, I think he is much better at it! It is how we try to love our children and how we try to guide them to love one another. I desperately hope and pray with all my might that if they choose to love, the one they choose will love them like this.

I cannot lie, I hope the movie 50 Shades of Grey tanks at the box office. At the very least, I hope that those who go and see it recognize the empty promises it promotes. I hope that the self seeking lust displayed on screen becomes repugnant to them. One can hope, right? 

Most of all, I hope that real love shines bright in contrast, that they will go home and love the one they have chosen, well and true. That is my plan, this Valentines I will celebrate Jesus who showed me what real love is. I will celebrate the love I share with my guy, the one I chose to love forever on this earth. We will love on the children we have had the pleasure of being blessed with! 

I hope the love that was recognized and started the celebration of this day will again be the love that defines it.

Playing Together: It's Been Good For Us!

Family day is coming.  It got me thinking about the things I love about our family. That caused me to think about how my Mom and Dad shaped the family I grew up in.  Something I absolutely LOVE about my parents is that they know how to play.  I hope you caught the present tense of that statement. My parents, to this day, get wet, snowy, and if the weather dictates it, dirty with us.  At 18, 15 & 14, my kids are beginning to realize how special that is.

Growing up we camped every summer. Driving along to our destination my Mom would get Dad to stop to identify flowers she didn't recognize. After setting up camp we would go exploring and learn to identify berries, trees, lichen, moss.  That made hiking more fun. It seemed less like hiking! We would swim, build sand castles and dig for clams. We had snail races on tree stumps and did all sorts of things. It was amazing. The best holidays ever and we didn't have to leave the country to have them!! 

When I was nine, Mom and Dad bought a lot out at a local lake.  I was so worried they would never take us on a holiday again. We helped with falling trees, stacking wood piles and that is when we started water skiing.  I was scared to try and nervous to fail. My family pestered me for two years. When my cousin came to stay with us for a while they got him up on skis and that was it. My competitive side was irritated and away I went. I wasn't going to let him show me up! I am so glad I did it! Just this last summer our son piped up one day at the lake "Thanks for buying this lot when Mom was young, it's the best!"

We developed a couple of sayings out at the lake.  My Dad's favourite line was "The sun always shines at Ness Lake!"  with some one muttering "At least once!".   "If you aren't falling, you aren't trying hard enough!" became a favourite saying as well. It was nice to push each other to be better and try harder. Soon we were all slalom skiing and "fighting" for the next turn behind the boat. It was more fun with friends and so we usually had a group out there with us. They kept it simple, no out buildings and I wouldn't have it any other way. Because of that, my parents were free to play with us the whole time we were out there.  They weren't busy with other things, they were focused on us. On a summer day, my happy place was at the lake with my family.  Summer evenings were spent with my family.  If my friends wanted to come they could, but being introverted, I was content with just my family and close family friends.  My sister who is extremely outgoing did the same. We loved being together with Mom and Dad and family friends.

In winter we cross country skied.  It is my fault we stopped. I hated it.  Really hated it. When I was ten I had a terrible fall and ripped every shred of soft tissue in my right knee.  That is when we stopped. Up until then Dad always patiently stayed with me and got me through it. He would send every one off ahead so they wouldn't be affected by my bellering and bad attitude.  I am ashamed now, because I cannot wait to get back to cross country skiing.  I am so sorry Mom and Dad!!

When my sister and I took up down hill skiing as teens, Mom and Dad were not going to be left behind. Even though they grew up in the flat lands of Saskatchewan, they got on the hill. Their first time out together, Dad came home with a broken thumb and Mom came home with a badly sprained knee. The next Christmas we all got ski equipment and headed to the hill every Saturday.  We went as a family, skied as a family and built great memories as a family. If my friends showed up at the hill, I would take a run with them but I always went back to ski with my family. We would laugh together over spectacular falls, it was so much fun. Again, it was a family thing and though we enjoyed our friends.  Skiing was what we did with Mom and Dad. 

I realized that this was one of the things I loved most about my family.  I knew having a husband who could play and valued these things was important to me.  I grew up knowing playing together was good for my family and wanted to bring that into our own family.

1. It brings the generations together. I love that summers at the lake are still happening. It is still my favourite way to spend a summer day! My Dad loves nothing better than to be pulling his grand kids and their friends behind the boat.  Mom loves nothing better than to teach the kids and their friends a skill behind the boat! They play with the kids still and that is the greatest way to relate to their grand kids and us! It can be especially hard to interact with teenagers, it is so much easier when you can play with them. It has kept all our relationships growing. In winter if we head to the ski hill, Mom and Dad often join us.  My kids love it when they show up, so do their friends! 

2. These memories together have been amazing and I love that my family can share these activities. Reminiscing over that spectacular fall, or how hard some one worked to get their deep water start. Being able to encourage them on how quickly they are improving at something. Laughing about their first time trying the ski course or when they wiped out on a ski lift.  The laughter, moments of cheering each other on draw us closer.

3. It builds common ground.  It brings our worlds together and builds shared interests. That becomes the way to spend time together and everyone wants to join in. Loyalty to one another is built through shared recreation.  Everyone enjoys it more when everyone comes along.

4. Talking together just naturally happens as we play.  It helps us reconnect. We feel closer together when we play together.  Up north, it is the best way to make it through the winter. I love it when we can head out for a snow shoe in the evening or go sledding. Or when our kids were little and we would go over to skate at the ice rink.  It made our evenings more fun and that fun happened because we were together.

5. Our different personalities show up in the ways we each play. Everybody approaches the recreational activity in their own way and we can learn to enjoy our differences. It helps us build respect for one another and appreciation for each others way of seeing and doing things.

Our activities have changed as our kids interests have changed and that is OK.  Snow shoeing, skiing, sledding, swimming, paddle boarding and water skiing have been the constants.  Camping is still our favourite way to holiday in the summer.  Craig is the sand castle king and as he and the kids get going on one, there are often kids from other families who have asked if they can help. We have been able to share a lot of what we love with our own kids. I feel so privileged that we have had those opportunities. We have built so many great memories together doing these things. I am thrilled that our kids will still play with us. I am so glad that they choose to come to the lake for summer evenings, and that at the hill they still hang with us. I treasure these moments together! 

I hope family day finds you playing together however your family likes to play!  It is worth it in so many ways!!

Faith, is it really such a leap?

When our kids were little and had lost a favourite toy, usually the one they couldn't sleep with out, we would pray. I cannot count how many times the toy would turn up immediately. Tear streaked faces would burst into smiles while Craig and I would think to ourselves "I looked under that cushion three times!" or "I checked all those pockets thoroughly!"  God built their faith up quickly. It was so great to watch it in action.

As our little ones grew, so did the waiting period between asking and receiving.  God was stretching and testing. Helping them learn to believe even when his answers didn't happen right away.  They would have to wait a day, a weekend, a month.  He was teaching them patient endurance, they didn't like it much, but he knew what was best.  Our youngest had a special favourite, Jingle Bear.  This was the softest most beautiful bear. It had been with him from the day of his birth. A gift from Auntie Gail and her family. Jingle Bear went missing for 6 months once. It was so sad, he was so missed. Our little boy never forgot about him. The day we discovered him was full of smiles and Jingle Bear was hugged tight for weeks!

As I was reading through Genesis the other day, I recognized something new. It made me think a little more on how God interacts with his people in the area of faith. Abraham had picked up everything and moved to a new land not once, but twice.

In Genesis 11:31 it says, "Terah took his son Abram, his grandson Lot, and his daughter in law Sarai, the wife of his son Abram, and together they set out from Ur of the Chaldeans to go to Canaan. But when they came to Haran, they settled there."

I don't know why I had never noticed this before, or it's significance. For whatever reason, it struck me. When God comes to Abram in Chapter 12:1 and says "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you."  I realized that Abram knew how to do the first part. He already knew what it was to pack up everything, leave his people and go to a new land. The first time he got to go under the leadership of his earthly father. Abram had left his home before. He had left freinds. He knew how to leave the familiar and comfortable.

God had already prepared him for part of what he was asking of him.  It wouldn't be easy, but Abram had already done it once. Just like when my kids asked in faith, God would immediately answer.  They had learned to trust him. Then when they would ask, he would make them wait a while. Even though they had to wait, they would reason that, God had answered before, he would again.  They had personal experience with God to base their faith on.

This time would be different for Abram, he would have to leave his fathers house.  There was no guarantee he could go back. There is no mention of him going back to bury his father. It is hard to leave those we love. Some of us are more independent than others but family is important. Back then it wasn't like you could drive a few hours and visit for a weekend. Abram couldn't hop on a plane and be there in hours. Leaving his fathers house was different for Abram than it is for us.

Abram didn't have to leave everyone, Lot chose to come with him.  But this time Abram would go to a land God would show him. Am I the only one who thinks that is a little vague? That doesn't appeal to many of us.  Most of us like to have an idea, a basic map, maybe the name of the destination.  God was building, stretching and testing Abram's faith.  When he started making my kids wait, they had a choice to give up on him or to keep trusting.  When he started giving them answers they didn't like, they had a choice to give up or keep trusting.

Abram was faced with a big choice, but it wasn't such a leap. He had already experienced God's faithfulness the first time he picked up everything and moved to a new land. This time God wanted more.  He wanted to teach Abram to trust day by day, and follow.  Abram had a choice, to keep trusting or give up on God.

The bible makes it sound so easy, Genesis 12:4 says "So Abram left." He headed to Cannan.  This was his fathers original destination back in chapter 11.  Was Terah supposed to go there? When did "go to a land I will show you" become Canaan?   Did Terah get distracted, is that why he stopped in Haran?  Why didn't he make it all the way to Canaan?  I don't know yet. I have to study more. I need to do more digging.  The real point is Abram left. He went where God called him.

I want to be like Abram. I want it to be as simple as the Bible makes it sound it was.  I want to be so eager to follow where God leads me. I want my story to say "So she left."  I want to go where situations will test my faith, stretch it, build it, push it.  I want to be where the action is, where God is. That is where life is full. That is where real adventure is.  I don't want to give up on God, to choose to stay where I am comfortable and familiar. I want faith like my children's.  They kept asking, kept believing, kept trusting.  Faith isn't a leap, God gives us reasons to believe. He asks a little more of us each time. When I look back, I see how he has been preparing me for what he asks of me next. Faith isn't a leap, it isn't blind. It is trusting God, one who has proven himself faithful to me before and is eager to do it again.

I pray you will take on the adventure, I pray your story says "So they left."  What comes after is just to sweet to miss.

Did we really talk about that at Ladies Bible Study?

I didn't get involved in Women's Ministry until my 40's. God got creative and pulled me in through the back door. Now I am point leader for our Thursday morning Bible Study Group. I have an amazing team working with me. They are very gracious. They forgive my weaknesses and fill in the gaps my limitations create. I love them deeply and I am so blessed by them.We have been doing a study on 1 & 2 Thessalonian's, and yes, to fully embody the cliché of Women's Bible Studies, it is a Beth Moore study.  First off, I need to admit I was a sceptic.  I don't warm up to teachers easily and I can be very critical. I test their teaching against the Bible. To my delight, I have found Moore very Biblically sound.

Our study group had taken a break at Christmas. When we came back, what do you know, we headed right into it. 1 Thessalonian's Chapter 4: 3-7  was the focus for that session. "God wants you to be made holy. He wants you to stay away from sexual sins. He wants all of you to learn to control your own bodies. You must live in a way that is holy. You must live with honor. Don’t desire to commit sexual sins like people who don’t know God. None of you should sin against your brother or sister by doing that. You should not take advantage of your brother or sister. The Lord will punish everyone who commits these kinds of sins. We have already told you and warned you about this. That’s because God chose us to live pure lives. He wants us to be holy."

That's right, she was brave and took on the topic of sexual immorality. Her primary focus was for women in the church. It didn't matter whether we were married or unmarried, she included all of us.  There we were, "The Church Ladies", talking about sex and the way we are tempted to distort it in our culture. Unprepared for such an occurrence, there were wide eyes! I am sure a few jaws hit the floor. It was uncomfortable and funny all at once.

My Christmas break had been a whirlwind, I was totally caught off guard. The room got unusually still. It was like everyone was just froze in disbelief! During the entire video all I could think was "God, guide our leaders, Lord make us compassionate to one another!!"  

Beth Moore handled the topic with truth, grace and love. There was no watering down of the gospel. She tenderly blew it wide open. What I loved most was the way she broadened the definition of sexual immorality to include porn, pictures, inappropriate books or television, self gratification, fantasizing and emotional relationships that had sexual overtones. She did not sugar coat anything.  Her teaching was full of mercy and a call back to pursue purity and holiness.

Through our years of church ministry I have learned that homes where freedom to talk about sexuality, sexual immorality, porn and even just the basics of physical development are the extreme minority.  If we can't talk about this as families, as sisters or brothers in Christ, where are we going to go? How will we overcome? If our children and youth can't come to us for reliable and thorough information, where will they turn?  If we can't love one another through the hard stuff, confess to one another and walk together to freedom, where are people to turn? Of all the places to talk about such things, the family of believers needs to be the one we can turn to!

The video stopped and the atmosphere was thick.  I quickly got up and prayed for words to send our small groups off with.  Thankfully the Spirit supplies those words for times when we are speechless. I am not uncomfortable with this topic, but so many are! I acknowledged that this was different territory than we usually discussed. I emphasized our commitment to confidentiality, urged honesty and asked that we would receive one another with compassion and love. I asked that if this was not a struggle in their own life,  that they would remember that there are areas where they are bound by sin. I knew that they would treat one another the way they would want to be treated in their area of weakness.  I am blessed by the love, compassion and grace this group of women extends to me and one another all the time. My heart just bursts with love for all of them!

As we went off into our groups I prayed that women would have the courage not to deflect the conversation onto safer areas, but that they would have courage and take the challenge on. I bet they never thought they would be talking about this with the "church ladies"!! YIKES!

I grew up in a home where these topics were openly discussed. My Mom was a nurse.  She would effortlessly "slip" into her professional demeanour and answer my questions. I was never afraid to ask her anything in this area. I had freedom to ask hard questions.   I wanted to know where babies came from, so off to the library we went to get a book that would explain it. She created an emotionally neutral and safe place for me to ask my questions. Before our wedding, she was the one to give me a book on intimacy and that is where I went for answers. I knew many of these women at Bible Study had probably lived in fear of these kinds of discussions their whole lives.

Sexual immorality is an increasing threat to our marriages, relationships and families.  It is on the rise. It tempts all ages.  I absolutely loved one of the statements Beth Moore made in her teaching time.  She said, "You don't need to be innocent to be pure, God restores!"  I know this from walking with precious women who have shared how their innocence was taken from them.  Whether lost by choice or force, God desperately wants to restore purity. God does accomplish this beautiful work, he does!!!

I also loved that Beth Moore spoke this truth. "If you cut out every other source of stimulation, your desire will come back to you for your husband!" God loves marriage, he will fight for you and with you to make it everything it should be. He created sexual intimacy.  He will restore it and make it better than it was before. If we follow his design for this area of our marriage, there is incredible blessing to be found. The way this happens is by ruthlessly cutting out all forms of sexual immorality from your life. They are not truly satisfying, they are cheap imitations of something beautiful and completely fulfilling.

In his book Gods at War: Defeating the Idols that Battle for Your Heart, Kyle Idleman writes: When the gift replaces the giver as the object of our worship, something surprising happens. When we begin to worship this god of pleasure instead of the God who gave it to us, we discover that the pleasure is lost. We discover the devastating paradox that when we pursue pleasure as a god, pleasure disappears."

This is what is so scary, all of a sudden what used to stimulate is no longer enough.  A few quick keys on the computer key board and all of a sudden you are into something more shocking.  The appetite is never satisfied, it becomes insatiable. The shame and guilt increase and the cycle binds people who should be living in freedom.  Chains of defeat and hiding in the darkness take over a life meant to be lived in the light.

We have to talk about this, we have to be a safe, non judgemental place where people can come for help.  Our culture is increasing in its worship of the idol of sexual immorality. It is trapping more and more people all of the time.   We need to be able to join them on their journey to freedom and healing.

James 5:16 says, "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results." (English Standard Version). We are meant to battle our sin in community. Together. I love the last part of the verse, the prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results. I have experienced the power of this verse in my own life.  I struggled through postpartum depression which manifested in anger. Through accountability, prayer, my sisters in Christ, and my doctor victory was achieved. 

If this is an area of struggle, I pray you will have the courage to confront it and fight against it. You don't have to do it alone. If you are afraid to share it face to face at this time there are other options for help.

A resource that has been proven effective in our ministry to brothers and sisters seeking victory is http://xxxchurch.com/.