Entering the Tunnel

I have been feeling ambivalent about the arrival of 2016. I am facing it with the same unease as I would feel at the prospect of entering a dark tunnel. Reluctantly. I know it is going to be a challenging year for me. There is struggle, pain and the unknown ahead. There is recovery, rehabilitation and hopefully light ahead. I don't know the outcomes. I am not sure what the light on the other end of the tunnel looks like. I am not just looking at a fresh page with endless possibilities. There are some things already written on my page.

I am looking forward to what I know will be a stretching year. Surgery is written on my page.

I have to have surgery on my rotator cuff and bicep attachment. I will have 6 weeks of complete immobilization for that arm. I am not even sure I can do immobilization, how does someone do that? I will have 4 months off work.  My poor clientele! I will then have a slow re-entry into work, that will cost me financially and in clientele. In total, from start to "finish" it will be a year of rehab. Rehab is actually the only part of it all that I am looking forward to. I know it will be painful and frustrating but, I will get to learn and move and will feel like I have something to offer to. If I do it well, I will regain my strength, mobility, and the things I love to do will be doable again.

That is what a major part of 2016 is going to look like for me.

My honest reaction? UGH!!!

To be completely authentic with you, I have been struggling to listen to everyone else's excitement. I hear people talk about the things they are looking forward to, anticipating, wondering about. I am glad for them. I hope they have a magnificent year.  I just feel a bit of a twinge as I think about my own year ahead and realize what a struggle it is going to be.

In order to handle this coming year well, I have to face what I am really feeling about it, acknowledge where I am and make a plan for where I want to be.

If I stick my head in the sand and pretend I am good, I will be sideswiped by my feelings when they become too big to ignore. I may not like how I am feeling, but it is how I am feeling.

When I look ahead, I know there will be pain, frustration, exhaustion, fear, financial stress, and slow progress. I know I will feel guilt at needing my family to do everything for me when I would rather do things for them. I know I will be sitting on the sidelines watching my family have fun when I would rather be having fun with them. I know I will have to find new recreation to replace the things I will not be able to do. I will have to be on top of my attitude and outlook. I will need to be able to quickly identify what I am feeling and work it through so that it doesn't sneak out and impact those I love.

When I look at the year coming up, I know it will be difficult. I know how I want to handle it. I know the only way to do that is to be grounded in Christ. Some of these are not new habits but,  I will need to be sure I continue diligence in them.

My plan:

1. Perspective. God and His Kingdom work are the priority, this is a small blip in the story of my life and my place in God's Kingdom story.
2. Continue to pursue God daily, spending time in His word and prayer.
3. Daily examine, allowing time for reflection and for God to examine my hearts, motives, feelings, posture. 
4. Gratitude. Daily I will need to look for what I have to give thanks for. Gratitude is one of the foundations of joy. I want joy!!
5. I will continue to meet with and be honest with my Spiritual Director. 
6. Love, I will seek to love those around me to the best of my ability. I will strive to stay other focused.
7. Trust. When I begin to be fearful, I will recount God's faithfulness through the ages in history and in my life.
8. Flexibility. I will embrace the opportunity to adapt, grow, and respond positively to circumstances and challenges.
9. Discipline. I will be relentless about these spiritual disciplines and my rehab exercises. 
10. Community. I will continue to make getting together with people a priority. The company, distraction, and laughter that happens with good friends is life giving.
11. Patience, I will seek to be realistic in my expectations, knowing there will be setbacks.  I know that looking at the larger picture will show which direction I am moving.

All of that said, here is what I am looking forward to. I know hard times are when my character is refined. I welcome that, there is much that needs work in me!!!  Difficulties force me to lean into God harder and more persistently.  I am fickle enough to need that motivation regularly.  Through trials and unwanted struggle, I learn more of who God is firsthand.  That is an immeasurable blessing, it is how God redeems the ugly in this world.  He is masterful at reclaiming all that is nasty, difficult and just plain ugly and bringing inexpressible beauty from it. Every trial I have faced I would endure again for the beauty God has created from it. In the end, the struggle has always been worth it. I am not one who goes looking for trouble, I have learned it is great at finding me. I find peace in the fact that God is ever present and working out His will through all the good and bad I have to face.  That is what I am looking forward to in this. That is what gives me courage, joy and even hopeful anticipation. And health, I am looking forward to restored health ;)

I wrote this before I found out my surgery will happen early this week. God is funny that way!!  We covet your prayers. Especially for Craig and the boys as much will be required of them. Please pray for our daughter who is far away and will find it hard not to be with us in this time. Please pray I am a "good" patient ;)  Also, I would ask for protection in the first 6 weeks so that these small muscles and tendons heal perfectly.  This journey may form a large portion of my blog material over the next while.  I will try to keep up as best I can. I am now entering the tunnel...