Forgiveness is hard to extend. It is also hard to confess. This process costs us. It takes humility and grace. It means we risk being hurt again. Yet, these are the basic actions required to live in healthy relationships together. We are commanded in Luke 17:3-4 to forgive one another as God forgave us. In the previous two post we have explored a couple of Biblical models for what God requires for forgiveness.
An overview:
Confession (1 John 1:9). Offering forgiveness without confession occurring does not follow the biblical model. God requires that we confess our sin to him in order to forgive our sin. To forgive others as God forgives us therefore, requires confession.
Confession defines what we are repenting from and provides a framework for what restitution is appropriate. Without confession, how do you move to repentance? What are you repenting from? Without confession, how do you make restitution? What are you making restitution for? Confessing is naming our wrong doing with Gods language. I lied, I cheated, I used my anger wrongly, I was selfish. It is important to name it what God calls it, identifying what we have done.
Repentance is turning from our previous action and developing a new pattern. It is recognizing we have not done right by another and that we will seek to do right by them in the future. This is essential because it is our only hope for real change and transformation (Matthew 18:3; Acts 26:20). If we don’t admit our sin, it’s impossible to be renewed. If we do not acknowledge our sin what are we being renewed or transformed from?. If we do not acknowledge our wrong, we do not recognize the need to change. Repentance demonstrates that we need God to help us change our thinking, attitudes, and behavior. It communicates to the one we have wronged that we understand the nature of our sin, it's impact on them and that we will try our best with the help of the Holy Spirit to live a different way. Saying "I am sorry" is saying I will change.
Where Restitution is possible, we are to make it. Zacchaeus was the model we looked at in scripture last week. Sometimes the one who is owed restitution can wave that right (Matthew 18:25-27). This is an act of grace and is a choice only the person who has been wronged can make. We could not pay the price for our sin and so God had it fulfilled another way, through Jesus. He did not demand a price from us that we could not pay (Luke 7:41-42). This is forgiving the way God has forgiven us.
Forgiveness and Reconciliation. Forgiveness is holding no record of the wrong. Once I forgive, I no longer raise this as an example to make the person who wronged me feel guilty or ashamed. God puts my sin as far as the East is from the West. This is the example he has given. Then we work together to rebuild the relationship. This is what reconciliation is. Restoration. It is often better that what it was when both parties give their best effort and are committed to the process.
As a family we have tried to develop the language and pattern of forgiveness based on God's mode. if one of our children wronged another we walked through these steps.
"I am sorry I broke your toy, I know I hurt you. I will be more careful next time and treat your toys the way I would treat mine."
"I forgive you." (It doesn't always happen right away, sometimes the tone is wrong, baby steps!
Then they would have to go replace that item. If it was no longer available a suitable mutually agreed upon replacement would be purchased. sometimes our kids would wow us and not demand the replacement be made.
This is simple in theory but now one child does not trust the other with their things. Walking through a process of earning that trust back and learning to trust again will take time, patience and grace until true reconciliation can be achieved. i cannot make the choice for another to enter into that process. It takes two equally committed people to walk that road. I want someone to take that risk on me, therefore, I have to be willing to take a risk on them. I do this knowing in my own life just because I commit to change does not mean that it will happen right away. I still do what I do not want to do and realistically I have to have grace as those who have hurt me turn from their ways and learn new patterns.
As parents we have had to apologize to our children and demonstrate the steps of this process. It is very humbling to apologize to a child but there is no more beautiful thing than to hear them say "I forgive you Mom."
This all looks good on paper. We are not perfect, we do not always get this right. Different personalities have a hard time saying sorry, others struggle with wanting to resentfully hang on and keep a record of wrongs. sometimes one person struggles with both those things!!
This is a process that takes dogged persistence and we have to lead by example. We want to raise up adults who are humble enough to admit their wrong and gracious enough to forgive. I want to be someone who is humble and gracious. To reach our goal, Craig and I need to live this out in front of our kids, in our marriage, in our friendships and in our relationships with our children. this is the only way for them to grab it and internalize it.
Healthy boundaries and communication are essential for the journey towards true reconciliation and there are some great resources for this.
Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend have adapted this book for children, marriage, and leaders. These are essential skills for growing in these areas. Dr. Cloud has a facebook page and regularly publishes great articles looking into these tools and realities.
What happens when we refuse to follow the example God has laid out for us? What happens when there is habitual sin and no repentance? What if only one person works at reconciliation? How does this look when a step of the process is skipped?
What happens when we refuse to acknowledge the way God forgives and how to live that out in our relationships? We will look into that next week.
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