Why Were You Not You?

Are you trying to be yourself? Or are you trying to be someone else?

Are you trying to grow where someone else was planted?

I was reminded a couple of times this week about a vision God gave me when I was a teenager.

I was working at a camp and was away from my family for the first time. We were training and preparing for the summer. Everyone had been sent off for a period to pray and seek God.

During my prayer time, God gave me a vision of a beautiful birch tree, bright green leaves & flourishing. It was gorgeous. A large canopy of shade, providing space for birds to rest and nest. Sunlight streaming through the leaves. Then he drew my eye to the base of the trunk. In the deep shade of this magnificent tree, there was this little sapling trying to grow. This little sapling was trying hard to grow out of the same spot as the huge, mature tree. The sapling was stunted, failing to thrive and reach it's potential. A sad specimen in contrast to the beautiful full birch.

Then in a moment, God revealed to me that the full mature birch tree was my view of my older sister. A very talented, beautiful, charismatic, social teen at the time. I loved her and thought the world of her. In many ways, she was the brightest star in my universe. I wanted to be like her and  I am sure it drove her crazy.

God then directed my gaze to the struggling sapling again. He showed me the many ways I was trying to be like her. I was not honoring how God had made me and desired to mature me. I was resisting becoming myself and the cost to me was great. He showed me that there wasn't room for two of us in that same spot, one would always overshadow the other. There would be a constant struggle for light.

Then God showed me how he wanted to plant me in my own spot. I wouldn't be fighting to reach the sun, or have to compete for the nutrient rich soul or for water. God had a place for me. He wanted to give me space and opportunity to grow. He planned a place for me to develop and thrive. Furthermore, he wanted the joy of watching me grow into who he designed me to be.

It was a spot in the forest that God wanted to plant me, a spot meant for me. A place he intended to use me to fill.

God showed me that it would be empty without me. He had made me with the gifts, personality, interests and qualities for that space. If I chose to not develop into who he designed me to be, that space would remain barren.

If I continued to try to be like my sister, I would stay underdeveloped, failing to reach my potential and purpose. It would harm me in the end.

That tiny little sapling was a pathetic sight to me in the vision. I realized it was hurting God to see me deny who he had called me to be. It was a slight to my Maker to ignore his work and purpose for me. Denying how he made me was in a way, denying God. Through the vision, God let me feel his grief.

Rabbi Zusya, when he was an old man said, "In the coming world they will not ask me: 'Why were you not Moses?' instead, they will ask me; 'Why were you not Rabbi Zusya?'"

From that point on I have tried to honour God by accepting who he had made me to be.

Where to start?

Who am I? I am not defined by my abilities, likes or what I do well. I am a child of God.  My identity is in Him.

What am I like? I was an introvert trying to be an extrovert....yeah, not good!! I started to learn about myself.

What am I good at? I needed to let God teach me through experience, affirmation from others and honestly, a little trial and error. Through all of that, over time, God revealed what abilities, talents, and gifts that he wanted me to develop and use.

Are you denying who God made you to be?

Will you be asked, "Why were you not you?"