Do I Have a Favorite?

Do you think your parents play favorites?  Do you think you are the favorite?  

Does your sibling or siblings think they are too?

We were talking with a group of young adults and they were convinced their parents had favorites. they were so bold as to assert that Craig and I had favorites among our children.

As much as we tried to convince them otherwise, that was their perspective. 

I was a little put off at being told I have a favorite amongst my kids. 

I love them all so much that it makes my heart almost burst. yet how I love them is different.

I really, really hope they all think they are my favorite!

Once you become a parent, I think this changes. I have been struggling to find the words to express my love for my kids.  My love is equal yet different for each of them. I maintain that I do not have a favorite.

I am disturbed by the idea of favorites because each family in the Old Testament who chose a favorite child was ripped apart by that behavior. I want nothing to do with it. It is unhealthy in every way. I actually consider it a generational sin, Isaac and Rebecca each had a favorite and that caused family division, their son Jacob favoring Joseph caused division. These people are included to let us know to follow God we do not have to be perfect, but shame on us if we do not learn from their mistakes!

Even so, I still lacked the words to describe the intensity yet varied nature of my love for my children.

I meet with a group of beautiful young women (inside and out!). We started a devotional called Without Rival, found in the Bible study plans in the YouVersion Bible App.  It is based off a book called Without Rival by Lisa Brevere. It is fantastic and addresses our identity in God specifically as women. Yet the truths apply to men also.

In this study, Lisa proposes that God loves us uniquely and my soul cried out “YES!!!”

We are created unique, there is no one like us. We are unique in our appearance, temperament and in how we are designed to worship and honor God.

To honor our uniqueness, God loves us uniquely.

AHA! This is exactly what I was trying to express to my young friends. I may not be as good at this as God, but this is what I try my best to do as a Mom. 

My children are completely different from one another. One is an extreme extrovert, one is an extreme introvert and one is an extroverted introvert. One spends their spare time reading, another playing music, the other expressing their creativity in artistic model design. While each possesses these next qualities, each of them shines more in a specific area. One has an incredible imagination, one a talent for information and knowledge and the other is gifted in reason and understanding. 

How am I to love them the same when they are so different? It is impossible!

Just because one shines in an area does not diminish the shine of the others in their area of strength.

I do not value any of these traits above the other and do not love one child more than another. They each are fascinating and wonderful. 

I do not love my children the same, I love them the way they are in their uniqueness, which in turn renders my love for them unique. 

And so to honor their uniqueness, I love each one uniquely.

They do not need to compete for my love. They are the only one of their kind. 

No one can compete with them. 

There can be no rivalry because no one can rival them. 

That is what it means to be unique.

Children, if you are reading this,  believe it with all your heart. 

Your parents love you each fiercely and uniquely. 

There is no one else that I love the way I love you, Sydney.

There is no one else that I love the way I love you, Quin.

There is no one else that I love the way I love you, Connor.

You cannot compare it, it cannot be measured. Each of you is precious and priceless to me.

When I commend one, it does not mean I value them more, 

There are qualities I commend you for too! If you need reminders about where you shine, 

come ask me. 

Do not feel outshone by your sibling, you shine in beautiful ways too. You can all shine without diminishing one another's glow. 

Do not compare yourselves to one another.  

Your Father and I do not compare you to each other, 

because each of you is beyond compare.

My dear children,  how beautiful to realize your Heavenly Father loves each of you this way? It removes all need to compete because there is no one in your category. You are one of a kind. There is no one to compare you to.

You are Without Rival.

Dear Graduates...

High School Grad occurred this weekend for our son. He was a little nonchalant about it. and honestly, that is mostly our fault.

You see, we have told him High School Grad is a basic expectation. While being a step in his path to achievement, we assume it is going to happen.  After Grad, he is still an unskilled worker in society and success in life is not guaranteed.  They have finished the prep work and are now at the start line.

Dear Graduates;

There are things your teachers, parents and the world will tell you that are simply not true.

1. You can be anything.  I do not know where this one came from. It just simply is not true. There are things that you cannot do.  No matter how hard you believe in yourself, some things are just not yours to be had.  You have certain skills, talents, abilities and interests and if you take opportunities that arise, develop them and see where they lead, it is going to be a very interesting life.

You have limitations. These are also part of what make you unique and human. Learn to accept these limitations, shine where you shine and let others shine where they shine.

Can you own an Island, fly a jet and be a billionaire? Well, the stats are not in your favor. Eventually, you are going to have to be OK with that!

2. Academic success (straight A's, insane GPA's and 99 percentiles) is everything. Schools might not say this out loud, but it is implied through the awards schools present and unbalanced glorification of those who thrive in the academic setting. Academics is one aspect of life. I personally love academics! Graduated the top of my Program at UNBC. Now, 18 years later, who cares??? Seriously! Who. Cares!

Balance is important, so is community involvement. I just spoke with a gentleman who is involved in hiring staff. They actively look for individuals who are well rounded.  Academic success does not always equal well rounded.

3. Do what you are passionate about. Really???  Let's be honest, how many people in the world earn a living at their passion?  Come on!  I apologize for this myth, we almost paralyze many of you with it. It is really unfair. First of all, you are 18, you probably do not know yet what your passion is! That is OK, you will discover it, no worries. Really, do not worry about it.

If you do know your passion and you pursue it for work, you very likely will diminish your passion for it. And finally, most of us do what we are passionate about after work or on the weekend.  If you work at what was previously your hobby, what will be your hobby? Filling your whole life up with work brings us right back to #2! 

Here is the reality, 

1. Learning to work well with others is foundational. Treat people the way you want to be treated. With the chaos in the world right now, that could stand being said again.

Treat others the way you want to be treated. 

Some of you will have to learn this after the bubble of High School because you got away with some completely unacceptable behavior while there. Many of you figured this out early and it shows,  emotionally healthy adults can pick up on this! Before you talk, act, or respond ask yourself would I want someone to talk, act, or respond to me this way? It goes a long way to making family, workplaces and the world a better place. Get this and you are ahead of 75% of people!

2. Take time, travel, work, try new things and take risks. Develop yourself in any way you can.  Become well rounded. Opportunity will arise and it is to your advantage to take it and find out what it reveals. Find out your interests and follow them. If something intrigues your curiosity, follow it. Most of us are working in fields that focus on what we are interested in. If it keeps our interest and curiosity, that is a great way to spend a work week! Start where you are interested, the rest will come together, trust me!

3.  You are going to really not like this one! I didn't at your age. Listen to the people who know and love you! They have watched you grow and know you. They see your strengths and the honest ones will acknowledge your weaknesses. They can give you insight into yourself. They can give you ideas about what this world might have for you. Listening doesn't mean you have to do it. OK!?! But, it will give you a starting point. Investigating those areas might cause you to trip upon the one you are interested in.

I am not telling you these things to burst your bubble. I care, I see how the lies society throws at you cause you frustration, can paralyze you from taking action and often overwhelm you with unhealthy expectation.  We have made this next step seem so important and life altering that you may feel afraid to start.  

It is not that intense.

Many of us zig zag and change direction. a few of us have false starts and then discover what is really important to us and head off in that direction. The path is not always straight. There are detours and corners, tunnels and sometimes the path just stops and it is the chance to look for a new one. This is the adventure of life. Do not get so focused on the destination that you forget to live while on the journey.

Enjoy it!

Praying for your best!

With Love,

Lisa

What Just Happened!?!

I shake my head in disbelief. Here I am, surrounded by astonished parents. I listen to Mom's and Dad's say:

"It happened overnight!" 

Obviously it didn't.

"Where did the time go?" 

Fast, it went fast.

"We can't be old enough!"
Clearly we are!!

"They were just in Kindergarten!"

"What just happened?"
They grew up.
How dare they!?!

Here we are at Prom.

Young men and women my kids have gone to high school with, some they have gone to school with since they were in kindergarten, some they have known since birth. 

I am surrounded by young men dressed in suits, my own among them. 

Gorgeous young women so stunning it is hard to imagine them in a pair of jeans and a T-shirt.

My boys look like men.

They are men. 

So handsome!

I am so biased!!

Ok, I might be biased, but it is the truth, look at them!!

We are the parents saying stupid things to you young parents. 

"Enjoy it while you can!"

You young parents are drowning in diapers and sleepless nights while we long for our littles again, sticky kisses and chubby cherub cheeks.

"They don't stay little long."  

You are thinking, "Great because one more day of this might do me in!", while we long to have them small in our arms where we exercise some control of their worlds.

"They'll be gone before you know it!"

Young parents almost ready to cry from exhaustion think "Maybe that's not bad, I can't remember what it is like to not be exhausted, what does a full night's sleep feel like!?!" We are mulling what our homes will be like without this child filling their space in it.

We don't mean to overwhelm you or make you feel guilty. We just want you to get to our stage without wishing you had spent the time differently. We do not want you to have regrets.

We don' t want you to just have selfies of playing with your kid. We want you to put the phone down and enjoy playing with that babe. Make the memory real.

We don't want you to wash the dishes when your son asks you to help him build his train track. 

Put down the vacuum and when your little girl goes and gets her Princess dress, surprise her by dawning your Bridesmaid Dress or Wedding Gown and have that spontaneous tea party. 

I read a book of wisdom from retired Pastors a few years back. The last chapter was "What would I do differently?"

I was grieved because all of them had a large section wishing they had been more present and given more time to family. I just pinned a post on 37 regrets you will have. Many of them focused on family and children.

We don't mean to make you feel panicked. But when you are wiping the spit off your shirt at the Business meeting, or crying because you can't form a coherent sentence, we want you to remember, it is for a time. 

Even these are Holy moments. 

A gift.

Be present.

Don't miss it. 

They are for a time. 

Just a short time.

Feel what you feel. It's ok.

When you are discouraged, come to us, let us listen and tell you that you are amazing and you will get through.

Let us remind you, it is for a time.

Here I am, my little men taking my breath away as they dress up in three-piece suits. I watch them be the gentleman we trained them up to be. 

I know it is hard to imagine. You will be here too one day. You are going to feel simultaneously the sweetness of pride and the grief of time past.

My heart violently spasmed as I see our sweet girl dressed up, shining brighter than the sun. As we watch her become the woman we tried so hard to guide her into. 

You will be here too one day. Your mind will flash back to playing in the sandbox, jumping off the swings, splashing through puddles and your heart will ache with the bittersweetness of it all.

One day you will look back and think, "Where did the time go? How is it over already!?!" 

Put your phone down, the housework will keep.

Don't miss these moments.

It isn't long until you will be saying

"What just happened!?!"

The Heart of a Mother

As I sat contemplating Mother's Day, the thought came to me that I can never fully express to my children how much I love them. I can never get them to completely understand my heart for them. This may be one of my biggest frustrations.  The inability to adequately express all my heart holds for them.

I have mentioned in other posts that one of the things the Holy Spirit prepared me for as a child was to be a mother.  I knew it, deep, deep in my soul, very early.  Not just a mother to my own children, but as someone to walk with others on a Spiritual Journey. As a mother would. Lead, guide, encourage, walk alongside.  This is part of who I am. When I say "my kids" I am not talking only about the ones I gave birth to. I have many who I love just as dearly as my own. I am often overwhelmed by the capacity to love these as much as my own. I am almost afraid the intensity of the love God has given me for them will freak them out!!! 

I rely on actions, and words to show my kids how desperately I love them.  I know you do too. It is why we grab onto sayings like "I love you to the moon and back".  There are no words or actions that can demonstrate my love enough.

There is no way my kids will know the depth or breadth of my fierceness for them. I have to temper my protective instinct. Instead, I turn it to prayer and trust in God. There are appropriate moments to be protective; however, even then I have to control it. It would terrify people!

My kids will never know how hard it is to wait for them to see in themselves all that I see. They are incredible. Not perfect, definitely flawed, but so gifted and talented and amazing. I cannot tell them, they do not believe me when I do. I have to wait for God, life and time to unveil it. My heart bursting with all that I see in them.

When they hurt, I hurt. This is an almost unbearable pain. At times I have thought it might break me. They are not alone, never are they alone. there are no words for watching a child suffer. This is one of the most difficult aspects of a Mother's heart.

How can I express that I am for them? All the time! They cannot ever lose my love or loyalty. Even when I challenge, correct, set a boundary or discipline, I am doing so to make them better. Everything I do is motivated by that. I am always on their team. When they want to give up, I want to make sure it is for the right reasons so that they will not have regrets. When they can't go on I push them because I know they can. While this makes them frustrated, angry or sometimes downright hostile with me, I am willing to stand my ground because I see the end game.

Dear ones, I am for you!!

How does one express that just the sight of their face brings me joy? Just the thought of them fills my heart. All they have to do is exist and my heart is full. That is all it takes. They are enough. They do not have to do anything or behave a certain way. They are my delight. Words fail to express how deep and rich this is.

I know many of you know what I am talking about. Most of you can probably express it better.

The biggest gift on Mother's day is being able to live life with my biological children and those who have let me 'adopt' them. ( I cannot post pics of you because I haven't got permission!! If you think you might be "my kid" You are!!! ) You fill my heart and my life. It is the biggest blessing and the best part of life! Thank you for letting me love you.

Help I'm a Mom: I Am Not Enough

When parenting, have  you ever had the alarming thought "I am not enough."?

If you haven't, Iii am glad for you,  but please don't give those of us who have a weird, uncomprehending look. Your moment is either coming or you are blessed. If your moment is coming, you know who to call. If you are blessed, I am glad for you, please try not to make me feel less capable than I already feel.

The moment hit me early. My daughter was a week old, sleeping sweetly in her bassinet. I stood beside her watching her in the dim light and I felt overwhelmed all of a sudden at what the world would throw her way, the things she would need to learn and know. I felt small and ill-equipped. I knew I would let her down and wouldn't be enough. So we decided to have two more children and maximize the damage!! 

Ha! Just kidding, these are not the moments a couple remembers when they choose to grow their family. 

I cannot count the number of times I have felt this. Growing up is hard. I personally think it hurts worse watching your children go through it. For everything they go through, I am not enough.

I don't have all the answers, I don't have all the tools. I am limited by my own strengths and weaknesses, knowledge and experience. I am limited by my own limits. 

I am not enough.

We have had experiences in parenting when I have felt hopelessly wanting. Situations have arisen where I have been completely beyond my understanding, ability, and depth. Where even the place to start eludes me.

It is scary, heart-wrenching and the worst possible place to be. 

Or is it?

When I am desperate, I react in a few ways.

First,  I cry out to God. It is now my first instinct. I know some of you don't believe, some are not sure what they believe, and others actually feel let down by Him, forgotten or maybe even think God is against you. 

I have had my fights with God. In the middle of a situation, I do not always see what He is doing or what His end game is. Hindsight is perfect. I have learned from experience that if I tuck in close to Him, ask Him to show me where He is at work and what He is doing I can trust Him. Sometimes I don't get to see what He is doing, sometimes only hindsight shows me. Other times He has acted quickly and obviously. In the end, He is my only hope and so I turn to Him and ask Him to direct me.

Second, I seek to increase my tool belt. Usually, an obvious deficiency has been revealed. I do this through talking to people with the skill, knowledge or connections that will help me learn.i research, read books and devise patterns and plans for my behavior and reactions or interactions. I prayerfully ask God to reveal what I need and where to find it, then I ask what I am to do and when I am to do it. 

Third, I have learned to pay attention to the moment, I have learned to not let my mind run wild with 'what ifs' or possible outcomes. That is borrowing trouble. I have learned to stop worrying, pray and trust. Decades of work in a few simple sentences. It comes down to training your brain and dealing with what is right in front of you.

Fourth, I let people into what is going on. God has given us trusted friends who have loved us through many hard times. They help give perspective, insight, support and distraction. Laughter is the best medicine and they have been faithful in helping us laugh in spite of the struggle or pain we face. They help us keep our hope and focus on the step we are on. They support us with encouragement and prayer. It takes a village to raise a child and in my experience, it takes a village to support parents as they raise a child. Our people have helped us keep our heads above the water and our eyes focused where they need to be, on the face of Jesus. 

If you feel you are not enough, it is because you are not. 

And that is OK.

Because if you look at your life, the resources, people, and situations you find yourself in, what you need is within grasp. Somewhere close by is the tool, person, insight or action that you need. Sometimes we have to fight harder and go further than we feel capable of.  Even when the way is dark and a happy ending seems impossible, we can have hope. 

If you are feeling like you are not enough, it is alright. many of us understand.

We have been there.
Maybe we are there.

Take a risk, let someone know what you are feeling and 
if you can find the courage, what you are facing.

I have been there.

I am not enough.

In Our Weakness

Do you have a weakness? A bad habit or behaviour that you cannot overcome? Some area of struggle that you cannot gain victory over? Something that reminds you that you are flawed, imperfect, unlovely? Has it been a source of shame? Have you kept it hidden because you fear if others knew about it they would reject you?  Do you worry it makes you unloveable?

Have you ever dreamt of what it might be like if you could tell someone about it? That when you finally got brave enough to tell someone, their reaction would be one of love, compassion, and acceptance?

Do you long for a someone?

Someone who knew everything about you and would still accept you? Where the fear of rejection is wiped away? How amazing would it be to have someone who did not define you by that flaw but rather could see who you are becoming regardless of it? Do you long for a friend who would believe the best about you even though they knew your weakness?

What would it be like if someone saw all of you and loved you fully anyway? What if they could see who you dreamed to be and stayed with you in your successes and failures as you journey towards that goal? Wouldn't life be great if there was a friend who would help pick you up when you fall? Someone who would encourage you? A friend who would remind  you of the dream of who you want to be when you have forgotten.  What if there was someone who could help you regain courage to continue to move towards that dream? What would that be like?

God is that someone. He sees you, He loves you and wants a relationship with you.  He sees who you are meant to be and longs even more than you to see you realize it. He longs to walk step by step through the ups and down, successes and failures as you journey. He longs for your affection and to love you fully in return. God wants to be the most important relationship in your life.

He wants the security and intimacy of your relationship with Him to give you courage to let others know you. He longs for His people to love one another and the world the way He has loved us.

Do you have a brother or sister in Christ whose struggle you have difficulty understanding? Do you have a trouble extending compassion? Are they struggling with something that you find straight forward and honestly can't figure out why it is a problem for them in the first place?

Have you ever considered that you might actually try to treat them in their place of struggle the way you want to be received in yours? You may not be weak in the same exact thing, but can you identify with weakness and imperfection? (I am challenging myself here)

How do you want to be received in your area failure? Can you extend that compassion and grace to another?

Can you treat them the way you want to be treated?

Can you offer a place of safety and love the way Jesus offered one to you?

Can you be for someone what you yourself have longed for?

Could we choose compassion and love instead of judgement or the falseness of tolerance?

If we can live like this in the family of God, we have a better chance of loving all people better.

This is where real community begins.

This is the kind of love that shows others we are people of God.

Can you be their someone?

Life Lessons From Laundry

Last night I wearily began folding the most enormous pile of laundry. I cannot even begin to guess how many loads of laundry I have done over the years. More than can be counted perhaps.

Laundry! Oh the amounts a family of 5 can create!!

I don't remember being scolded for getting dirty as a kid. I remember shock and amazement at how messy I was.  We decided to never get upset with our kids for having adventures and coming home messy. In fact, we encouraged puddle jumping and mud hunts. I remember a few spectacular moments going to see what the commotion at the back door was about only to find sweet faces flushed from exploring and pride at how they wore the evidence of their misadventures. Shooing them into the backyard to hose down before coming in the house.

As I attacked my load (loads) of laundry I remembered how it used to bore me out of my mind. How I resented the mundane regularity of the task. How little hands used to help me sort and fold as best they could.

Laundry has taught me a few things over the years.

1. Be present- We have all sorted in a hurry and had that red sock Make our whites pink. Or gone down to switch the loads and forgot to pull that sweater out to hang. The frustration of finding it shrunk and ruined.
2. Plan ahead- We have all had a Friday when getting ready to go out we are gazing at our closet thinking, where are those jeans that look great with that top? Oh yeah, I spilled coffee on them on Wednesday and forgot to wash them...
3. Delegate- Part of being a family or working on a team means we all do our part. Having responsibility gives us connection, purpose, and confidence that we matter and are significant. I do my part you do yours. Seeing kids take on the responsibility and gain these important attributes is pretty sweet.
4. Things don't always make sense.
   
    Socks. I buy equal numbers, wear them in pairs. There is always a conundrum with socks. I may just ask if I can see a time lapse from the perspective of my socks when I see God, I am curious. I just cannot figure this out!  I even have a kid's book written (well in my head) to explain it. Yeah, I think that much about it. Please don't make any conclusions about me that are irreversible.
5. Slow down- I used to resent having to stop and go sort or fold laundry. I have learned over the years to enjoy the time to slow down and focus on the task. It calms me in a way.
6. Don't procrastinate- if you don't get it done you end up at the Chiropractor in shabby undergarments. Not cool!
7. Learn to enjoy the rhythm. The sun rises and sets predictably, we eat 3 meals a day,  the laundry needs to be washed weekly. I am a finisher, as soon as you are done laundry, there are clothes in the hamper. This can be hard for a finisher. I had to focus on the rhythms of life that give stability. If the rhythm of life is driving me crazy, I need a holiday. As I pay attention to the rhythm of my need for a holiday, I can predict how a calendar year should look.
   
8. A little goes a long way. I don't look at the huge pile. It overwhelms me and I feel I will be folding laundry for forever. I would rather play. Instead, I grab a handful, put it in front of me and fold it. Done! Grab another handful. All of a sudden I am done and I can go do something I like. Breaking a task down into manageable bites makes all the difference and I am rewarded multiple times as a finisher. Instead of finishing one load, I celebrated 10 finishes for one load.
   
   
9. Men do it differently and that is OK. In the desire to lighten my workload once in a while Craig will insist on looking after it. He sorts differently, folds differently. I quickly go through and pull out anything that needs special attention and hide it (don't tell him ok?) If I am not around, then we just deal. Men do things differently and it is good. If we all thought and did things the same it would be mundane, boring and in the end, we would miss the magic of trying to figure each other out.
10. Think of others. The day I heard my son say "This load is too small. Does anyone have jeans that need washing?" Was one of those days when a Mom's heart swells with inexplicable emotion. He was not only thinking practically if he had, he would have just thrown other darks in to make the load sufficient in size. Instead, he thought of his family. Sweet!!! In so many ways and on so many levels❤️

Those are a few of life's lessons I have learned from the laundry. What are your life lessons from laundry? I want to hear them!