Help I'm a Mom: Why We Love Teenagers

Teenagers...

What ideas, thoughts, memories, emotions does that age group hold for you?

They used to scare me.

Well, not groups of other people's teenagers. I always loved our youth work. I understood that we, as their leaders, saw their best side. Well usually. There were times where what we saw made me nervous.  I sometimes wondered what was happening that we weren't seeing. For the most part, we found them fun, inspiring and full of life.

I was;  however, scared about growing our own teenagers. I felt prepared for the younger years. I knew that as parents of teens, we would get the best and the worst of them. That was a little more than intimidating for me!! I knew the potential for those years to be a rough ride.

I know you have heard me say before that we are loving raising our teens. This summer it hit me again. For all the ups and downs - a house full of teenager's is one of this life's greatest gifts. There have been some wonderfully surprising delights in this stage of life.

Teenagers are really amazing.

Here are a few things we are enjoying:

1. Development of logic and intellect- it is fascinating to observe this grow and deepen.
2. The depth of conversation- with increased intelligence and logic, the discussions on world events, ethics, morality, faith, and so much more, is challenging and engaging.
3. Their perspective- fresh, new, developing, strong, creating tension within them. It's fun to watch them wrestle it out, for the most part!!
4. Thoughtfulness- they have incredible moments of selflessness.
5. Companionship-they are such great company!!
6. Challenge- they will call me on stuff that maybe I do not always want to be called on. It is humbling and makes me a better person. I am glad for it.
7. Skill Development- they are ready for bigger things.
8. Adventure- they are willing to try new things, being more aware of their abilities and the  possibilities
9. Watching them surpass us in certain areas. They are truly remarkable, spunky individuals.
10. Witty humor and banter!! There are no words. Love this part!!! They keep us laughing, they are so very clever!!

Now do not mistake this to mean our lives are conflict free. do not think that every day at our house is deep intellectual discussions, wild laughter, peace and joy falling from the sky.

There are challenges. Some big ones. Yes, even in a ministry families home, shocking I know!! 😉

I have learned that focusing on what we love about this stage goes a long way to enjoying it more. There is so much good!

I have learned it is important to seek to understand where they are coming from rather than assume I know. I do not always remember to do this. I know them pretty well, sometimes I forget the rate at which they are growing and changing intellectually.

Knowing that we believe the best about them is a huge deal. We put some hard work into raising respectful, honest, hardworking good people. I need to let them know I believe they are doing their best to be those things. Knowing that we do believe the best about them gives them confidence. It assures them that we are on their side even when we do disagree or need to correct them.

I am thankful every day for the privilege of raising these dear ones. They have made me a better person and taught me so much. It is going to be fun to see what choices and directions they pursue in the next few years. I am looking forward to more fantastic adventures!

Do You Fit?

Do you fit? Is this world comfortable for you?

I read this quote from Christine Caine, co-founder of A21 a while back and have been ruminating on it.

"You often don't, can't & won't fit "HERE" because God is preparing you for "THERE." A misfit here can be a perfect fit there!"

Here being the world, there, the Kingdom of God.

It is something Craig and I evaluate often. Are we being lulled into the comforts of life here forgetting that as children of God, this is not our home? Are we intentionally living as those who view their home in eternity as the place they are preparing for?

This is particularly difficult in the child rearing years for me. I wanted to give my kids exposure to sports, music, and develop their interests. I didn't want them to miss out. We quickly learned there is a distinction between cultivating a child's gifting and talents and giving them everything. We were, in ways, fortunate to have limitations on our financial situation. It kept us from slipping into the dominant child rearing philosophy of the time. It causes us to struggle with what our  priorities are.

We recently had a conversation with one of our kids about this. It is hard during the teenage years. There is pressure to "fit". It is easy to give in. The temptation is to live for self is our human nature and has been embraced by the world.

The problem is, we know there is more than that. We know in the end, living for self is unsatisfactory, empty and meaningless. If that is the way our kids choose to live, I will not put my hard earned money behind it. We work too hard for our money to be investing in the "Kingdom of Reimer". If we are going to invest, the focus needs to be the Kingdom of God.

That's the bottom line.

We need to resist the trappings of this world, it's philosophy's, comforts and priorities. As a child of God, this is not my home.

I am an alien.

I should not fit here. There should always be an uncomfortable tension.

I am desperately human. My natural tendency is to gravitate towards comfort.

"You often don't, can't & won't fit "HERE" because God is preparing you for "THERE." A misfit here can be a perfect fit there!"

Consequently, a perfect fit here can be a misfit there.

In my heart of hearts, I want to fit "THERE", that is my goal. "There" being the Kingdom of God. That is the longing of my heart. My true desire.

I do not want to waste my time here so that I don't fit there. That is such a disturbing thought!! How do I resist it? How do I fight my natural tendencies?

For starters:

The renewing of my mind through scripture.
Spending time in the presence of God in prayer.
Starting each day with intentional focus, it is not about me but about God and his work.

Those are a few disciplines that keep me focused, what works for you?

The Story of Us: Lisa's Side

Love at first sight? Pffft...right!?! 25 years ago, I didn't believe in it either!

I had gone to Bible School to deepen my faith. It was time to grapple at a deeper level intellectually with the things of God. In my first year I did have a boyfriend, he had broken up with me because I was holding us back. I was protecting myself. Things were getting more serious, and I tried to laugh it off, lightened it up. I had been hurt and I had hurt others in dating and I was scared.

I was part of a choir that toured BC a few weeks after that break up. I was processing. A few days before we went to Chilliwack there is a journal entry where I had written that I was tired of the ups and downs of dating, I wished that God would show me the face of my husband so I would know him when I met him and avoid future heart aches.

I was billeted at the home of a wonderful retired couple. Not many people stand out on a trip like that. This couple did. The husband prayed with passion and authority. I was very aware that he had spent a lifetime cultivating a deep relationship with God. The wife was a gracious hostess, practical and fun loving. Their love for each other was obvious and as I stood looking at her family photos, displayed above the piano, I remarked. "What a gorgeous family!" Honestly, a great looking crew!! I remember the moment like it was yesterday.

Getting on the bus the following morning a fellow choir mate said "There is a guy here who is really into you!"

Whatever, like I would ever see him again right?!?

Summer had been hard, many of my friends from Bible school were east. I went back to school determined to get to know the BC people. It was going to be a year of friendship and increasing knowledge and love for God. The first day of school, in walk three guys from BC. A few days later I was waiting in the lunch line with them and asking them why they had come to Bethany, the first two gave their answers and the third, Craig, said "To meet you!" I was taken off guard, he was about as shocked as I, with his friends graciously amused and covering for him. It was that night that we figured out I had stayed at his Grandparents house in Chilliwack. This guy was part of that gorgeous family I commented on.

During Thanksgiving, my sister was out to visit. She had arrived Wednesday  and on Friday morning she was telling me in the mail room that she had a date. Craig was walking by as I exclaimed to her "This is so typical! You have been here two days and already have a date, I have been here 6 weeks and not a single date!"  From the hallway I heard Craig say " I'll take you on a date!" I laughed it off!

Wednesday in the lunch line Craig came up asking what we were doing for our date. I had honestly thought he was joking "If you are asking me on a date, you better plan it, let me know when you are picking me up and let me know what to wear!" I replied.

October 21st was our first date. It was fun and real. We laughed, adventured, and talked openly and authentically about life. He was one of few people willing to admit they didn't have it all together, he was pursuing God and was honest about the challenges of faith and knowing God. I was desperately longing for conversations of this nature. It was a great evening!

I may not have recognized my husband by his face as I asked for in my journal, but I recognized his heart. He was insatiably hungry for the word of God. He was focused on his studies, faithful, respectful, self controlled, honest. He loved his family. He was hard working and enjoyed the same recreation I did. I knew he was the one.

That summer, I went down to visit Craig. I met the whole family that weekend, one of his cousins was getting married. I found myself in Craig's grandparent's house, staring at the photo's of this beautiful family again. Surrounded by the actual people.  Through the weekend, friends and cousins would say these interesting things. Craig had never told me we had met the weekend the choir had come through. As I listened to his Cousin Jane tell me that Craig couldn't keep his eye's off me when our choir sang and that he went to Bethany saying he was going to marry me, I was a little more than surprised. When I told him of the comments I had been receiving and then what his Cousin had said, Craig was shy about it and finally fessed up.  The night before our choir sang at his church, we had a BBQ with the youth and young adults. I remember a group sitting off by themselves, withdrawn. I grabbed a bunch of choir members and we went over to introduce ourselves, to try to get them involved. Craig was in that group. That was where it all started.

We were engaged later that summer. I wrecked it by driving home from work a different way and spotting his car. Oops!!

Our wedding was simple and fun. Craig's Youth Pastor Stan made the tribute to Craig and recalled how Craig and he had gone for coffee, Craig telling Stan that he was going off to Bible School and he was going to find his wife. The best part was that he already knew who she was...everytime I heard those comments I was floored. I never thought I was the pretty one. It made no sense to me!

We spent our first year at school completing our Bachelor's of Christian Ministry. It was a fantastic first year!

Marriage has had it's challenges, joy and suffering, are a reality of this life. Laughter is sweeter, joy is deeper, the future more inviting with my best friend by my side. Craig, while not perfect, is an incredible husband, amazing father and best friend I could ask for. He has challenged me, grown with me, tried new things together with me and been faithful through it all. He has seen the best in me when I was drowning in the worst. He is patient, loving and kind. He daily lives love out in practical ways. He is gentle, strong and servant-hearted.

We have had hard times. Knowing the only way through is together helps us continually choose each other. We are on the same side. We might fight with each other, but we always fight for each other.

We celebrated 24 years of marriage this month.  It feels like a heartbeat in time. He is the only one for me.  From now until the end of days Craig, I love you, and because of you, I believe in love at first sight!





If you missed Craig's side of the story, you can read it here :)

The Story of Us: Craig's Side

"That's the girl I'm going to marry."  Those are words I have been reminded of frequently over the years.

I first saw Lisa at an event happening between her college choir and the church of my youth. We were at Cultus Lake having a BBQ when I saw her across the covered picnic area. I was hanging out with my friends when she came over and tried to engage us in conversation. It was less than successful. I hadn't started to actually take God seriously at that point in my life and did not have that as my plan for the foreseeable future.

My mother had other plans.  She had agreed to take in two billets for the weekend and it would be my job to ferry them around.  I was less than impressed with this arrangement and set out to keep these guys up as late as I could.  Instead they got the upper hand and influenced my life.  We played basketball, I re-injured myself with an old sports injury.  They told me about Bible school and the things they were learning there.  In all it was an adequate weekend (Sorry Cam and Nelson).

What really impacted me though was this beautiful red head who seemed to have an energy and passion that I didn’t have.  During their performance I leaned over to my mom pointed out Lisa and said, "That's the girl I'm going to marry."

That Monday I forgot about everything and went back to life as usual.  God wasn't done.  I'm not sure what got me thinking about Bible School but, together with two other guys we ended up at Bethany Bible Institute. Along the way I apparently let the guys know that I would be finding that red headed girl and marry her.

During that first week I caught sight of her in the massive crowd of 160 students.  Waiting in line for lunch one day Lisa came and asked me why I was at school.  In quite possibly the greatest pick up line ever, I said, "To meet you."  Inside, I said to myself, "Did I really just do that?"  The rest is history.  Her outward beauty was matched by an inner beauty that shone through in how she pursued God and loved others.  This truly was my soul mate and so I pursued her.  I committed to her.  I love her.  To this day, I am glad for that one line, "To meet you!"  Through all of the ups and downs in our life and relationship I have never regretted that day (As cheesy as it was).

Help I"m a Mom: Raising Explorers

Are you someone who naturally explores

and pushes the limits of your comfort? Do you stay within the safety of the known? Do you actively try to expand your world or do you like the way things are?

In our family, we have discovered three types of explorers.  I wonder if we had more children if we would have discovered more.

In our family, including the adults, these are the explorer types.

The Natural Explorer: This one sees something new and heads right in adjusting and learning as they go. For this one, adventure usually happens with a big grin.

The Calculating Explorer:  This one sits back a while, gets the lay of the land and then is eager to jump in. This one is a little tense at the idea of something new and then once they have had a chance to see what is involved, can’t wait to get started.

The Reluctant Explorer: This one is happier doing what they know. Typically they are not interested in trying something new and likes  their world just the way it is.

Raising these uniquely wired individuals has been a lot of fun. In different settings, their natural bent has been fascinating to observe and sometimes difficult to navigate as a parent.

Teaching one caution while encouraging the other to take a risk can seem to send mixed messages.

It 's hard for one to see the consequences or risks of certain actions. All they seem to see is the fun and adventure and how this new experience will be fun and enriching. Then at the other end of the spectrum having a child who cannot see the benefit of expanding the breadth of their experiences.

Here are some of the ways we have navigated that.

1. Experience is the best teacher.

Letting our Natural Explorer try and experience the consequences in situations that have measured risks, teaches them about risks and consequences. Over time, this gives them a little wisdom.

Our Calculating Explorer learns from the Natural Explorers mistakes and adds their own common sense into the mix.

The Reluctant Explorer is dragged along until they start to see the benefits and are willing to give it a try. Very rarely have we encountered something this one will not do again.

2. Persuasion through appropriate encouragement.

Telling our kids why we think they will enjoy something based on their natural interests, abilities and qualities often give them what they need to try something new.

In our Natural Explorers situation, that may mean exploring how risk has been handled previously. We often affirm his ability to anticipate and respond in smart ways to challenges. We sometimes consider beforehand what kinds of situations come up and what options there might be to handle them. He knows we trust him, that he is aware of his limits and knows how to push those limits reasonably.

For our other Explorers, it means helping them see the strengths they have that will benefit them in this new adventure. Sometimes we explain why we believe they will enjoy an experience or what they have done previously that made us think they would like to try something else.

3. Knowing when to push and when to wait.

Let’s face it we know our kids. There have been times when we have pushed and learned later we should have waited. Consequently, there have been times when we should have pushed, didn’t and then regretted it. In

Our Reluctant Explorer was very conflicted one holiday. The kids were learning to surf but this one was very hesitant. I had to be straight up and say, "You will not get another chance. If you think you will be sorry you didn't try, then you just have to decide to try."  I was so proud when this one overcame their reluctance and learned a new skill that in the end was very enjoyed. Yeah, not at all to our surprise but, whatever!!

Sometimes we have to force our kids to expand their world. Sometimes they get too comfortable. It is important that they continually learn to exercise the skills they develop when they are learning to deal with the unknown. 

There are certain coping skills that only develop under stress. 

It is in our kid’s best interest to work these skills. 

I want my children to be comfortable being uncomfortable. 

I want them to know that they are the masters of their discomfort. They have the ability to learn to take on a new situation, and they have strategies to deal with the stress.

They will always have their natural hard-wired bent. Bu we can equip them to push their limits of safety and comfort. 

I want my kids to expand their worlds, to consistently try and learn new things.

The older they have become, the more we see them learning to employ their skills and be victorious. When they have a new opportunity to step out into something unknown and challenge themselves the more the world has to offer!

Givers and Takers

Have you ever heard relationships described as having a "taker" and a "giver"?

Years ago someone older and more experienced in ministry talked in this fashion about marriage.

Am I the only one who gets raised hackles at this? It rubs me wrong. So wrong!! I tried to fairly evaluate the statements. It just seems like trouble.

In trying to sound humble and altruistic, labeling themselves a "giver" seemed to come from a place of veiled pride.

My immediate reaction was "Oh, No! What if I am the taker in my marriage, in my friendships?!?"

This thought horrified me.

I had never used this framework for evaluating all relationships.

What if Craig was quietly keeping tabs and felt he gave more than I did? What if I was running up a deficit?

What would happen if I started taking tally and found I was actually doing more? How would I feel?

I only saw discontent and danger resulting from this approach of looking at relationships.

So much can go wrong when we adopt this view of relationships. As a taker, you could never be satisfied, as a giver, you could get prideful about your selflessness and generosity.

The more I thought about it, the more it unsettled me.

I got my nerve up to talk with Craig about it one day. Honestly, I was so worried that in his gentle way he would let me know I was a taker. I so badly did not want that title!

He immediately told me that if I was a taker, I wouldn't be worried about being a taker. He felt maybe he was the taker. HA!

Let me tell you, he is most definitely not the taker!! Anyone who knows him recognizes his servant heart!

As we talked about it, we concluded that while it might be true in some marriages, it is not a reality in all marriages. We also agreed it is an unhealthy framework with which to approach marriage and friendship. It can be a foothold for resentment, pride, selfishness and discontent.

I started searching the scriptures.

1 John 3:16 By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers.

Galatians 5:13 For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.

Luke 6:31  And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.

Stick with me!!

Romans 12:10  Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.

I love that, "Outdo one another", maybe there is room for just the tiniest comparison in this. I see it more like "I felt so honored by that, how can I show them I honor them in return?"


Romans 13:10 Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfilling of the law.

Philippians 2:2-4 complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Hang on :)

Romans12:3 For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.

What is your impression as you read these scriptures? I see no room for the labels of "giver" and "taker" in these verses.

What I see is that I am to be focused on how I love others. I am to give, serve, honor.

I am to lay myself down for another.

There is no room to tally what I am receiving in return. As I read these verses, I am overcome by the reality of my own selfishness. There is no room for me to evaluate another's. My own is enough to tackle.

I am forced to ask myself, do those around me feel loved? Do they feel patience, kindness and thoughtfulness when in my presence?

Do they feel that I give priority to them rather than myself?

Do I honor them?

Oh, I can barely go on...

I fall so far short in this!

I am a fiercely selfish beast.

There are times when we are broken, times when we need to be loved and have no strength to offer anything in return. If those around me are keeping tally, the weight of what I owe them in return will break me.

As I heal and mature it is right that I give love back. It is a sign that we are growing, thinking of others when love goes both ways.

I urge you to resist looking at your relationships through the lens of "givers and takers", I believe no good can come from this. It will weaken your bonds and it makes room for all kinds of unhealthy patterns and emotions to develop.

Instead, join me in asking "What more can I do to love others well?"

First

Ouch!!

Do you ever come across a truth so plainly spoken that it is like having the wind knocked out of you?

What a generation you turned out to be!
    Didn’t I tell you? Didn’t I warn you?
Have I let you down, Israel?
    Am I nothing but a dead-end street?
Why do my people say, ‘Good riddance!
    From now on we’re on our own’?
Young women don’t forget their jewelry, do they?
    Brides don’t show up without their veils, do they?
But my people forget me.
    Day after day after day they never give me a thought.

Jeremiiah 2:31-32 The Message

Wow.

Day after day after day they never give me a thought.

That is like asking people "Did you forget to check your email today?" Crazy right!?!  No one forgets to check their email!!

Does the irony hit you as hard as it hits me?

An iPhone might get more attention than the King of the Universe!?!  And I thought that people back in the day were pathetic for worshiping rock or wooden images that they cut with their own hands...

I can feel the heat of shame rise as I read this.

Eugene Peterson in Run With The Horses: A Quest For Life At It's Best writes:


"In Jeremiah it is clear that excellence comes from a life of faith, from being more interested in God than in self, and has almost nothing to do with comfort or esteem or achievement."

Excellence comes from a life of faith, from being more interested in God than in self...

Again!! This quote sucker punched me.

I have been reflecting on this and what it means in my life for weeks.

Am I more interested in God than I am in myself?

I have a heavy feeling inside that this is not as much a reality in my life as I want it to be. I feel the heat of shame rise again...

What does the way I spend my time, effort, money and thought life reveal?

What does it mean to be more interested in God than I am in myself? How does my life reflect this?

I want my interest in God before myself  to define me. At the end of my days, this is what I want to be known for. This is it for me. My hearts desire.

I want it so badly it hurts and I am struck with the faithlessness of my own human nature. How easily distracted and self seeking I am.  I may not go days without thinking of God, but does my life reveal that He comes first? First in everything!?

Does God come before my personal comfort?

Am I more concerned about God than I am with achievement?

Alright, so none of us is perfect. There is always room for improvement. We can always work towards this.

So what does it look like to become more and more interested in God than in myself? How does He increasingly become my focus? How do I pursue Him above my own comfort & selfishness?

This will look a little the same and a little different for each of us.

I think looking at how we spend our time, money, and thought life is a good place to begin.

Is God taking up more and more of these things?

1.  When I wake up, my first thoughts will be of God.  I used my bible at my bedside to be a visual reminder to do this.
2. He will get the first fruits of my earnings.
3.  Before I check my messages or phone, I pray, or meditate on a scripture I am memorizing.
4.  When I go to bed at night I will reflect on my day to see where God was at work. I like the guidelines in Rummaging for God.

I love the song "First" by Lauren Daigle. It summarizes this pursuit of God simply and elegantly.

I use it to keep myself on track. I hope it spurs you onward also.

I will seek God first.