Givers and Takers

Have you ever heard relationships described as having a "taker" and a "giver"?

Years ago someone older and more experienced in ministry talked in this fashion about marriage.

Am I the only one who gets raised hackles at this? It rubs me wrong. So wrong!! I tried to fairly evaluate the statements. It just seems like trouble.

In trying to sound humble and altruistic, labeling themselves a "giver" seemed to come from a place of veiled pride.

My immediate reaction was "Oh, No! What if I am the taker in my marriage, in my friendships?!?"

This thought horrified me.

I had never used this framework for evaluating all relationships.

What if Craig was quietly keeping tabs and felt he gave more than I did? What if I was running up a deficit?

What would happen if I started taking tally and found I was actually doing more? How would I feel?

I only saw discontent and danger resulting from this approach of looking at relationships.

So much can go wrong when we adopt this view of relationships. As a taker, you could never be satisfied, as a giver, you could get prideful about your selflessness and generosity.

The more I thought about it, the more it unsettled me.

I got my nerve up to talk with Craig about it one day. Honestly, I was so worried that in his gentle way he would let me know I was a taker. I so badly did not want that title!

He immediately told me that if I was a taker, I wouldn't be worried about being a taker. He felt maybe he was the taker. HA!

Let me tell you, he is most definitely not the taker!! Anyone who knows him recognizes his servant heart!

As we talked about it, we concluded that while it might be true in some marriages, it is not a reality in all marriages. We also agreed it is an unhealthy framework with which to approach marriage and friendship. It can be a foothold for resentment, pride, selfishness and discontent.

I started searching the scriptures.

1 John 3:16 By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers.

Galatians 5:13 For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.

Luke 6:31  And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.

Stick with me!!

Romans 12:10  Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.

I love that, "Outdo one another", maybe there is room for just the tiniest comparison in this. I see it more like "I felt so honored by that, how can I show them I honor them in return?"


Romans 13:10 Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfilling of the law.

Philippians 2:2-4 complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Hang on :)

Romans12:3 For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.

What is your impression as you read these scriptures? I see no room for the labels of "giver" and "taker" in these verses.

What I see is that I am to be focused on how I love others. I am to give, serve, honor.

I am to lay myself down for another.

There is no room to tally what I am receiving in return. As I read these verses, I am overcome by the reality of my own selfishness. There is no room for me to evaluate another's. My own is enough to tackle.

I am forced to ask myself, do those around me feel loved? Do they feel patience, kindness and thoughtfulness when in my presence?

Do they feel that I give priority to them rather than myself?

Do I honor them?

Oh, I can barely go on...

I fall so far short in this!

I am a fiercely selfish beast.

There are times when we are broken, times when we need to be loved and have no strength to offer anything in return. If those around me are keeping tally, the weight of what I owe them in return will break me.

As I heal and mature it is right that I give love back. It is a sign that we are growing, thinking of others when love goes both ways.

I urge you to resist looking at your relationships through the lens of "givers and takers", I believe no good can come from this. It will weaken your bonds and it makes room for all kinds of unhealthy patterns and emotions to develop.

Instead, join me in asking "What more can I do to love others well?"