Thoughts From A Reformed Valentines Day Critic

If you know me well, you know I detest all things sappy and "ooey gooey" romantic. You will never see me wearing jewelry with a heart on it! It is not my thing. I won't judge you for wearing hearts, just don't judge me for not wearing them. Maybe that is why I rebelled against Valentines for years.

I used to think Valentines Day was ridiculous. Even through the first few years of marriage. I didn't like that it made people feel left out. It can, but it doesn't have to. I believed, and still do, that love should be expressed every day. I thought one specific day dedicated to celebrating love diminished our responsibility to choose to love daily. I thought is was a crazy, commercialized day exploited by retailers. It is, but that doesn't mean I have to make it about that.

At this point, you are probably thinking "poor Craig" how's the guy to win on a day like Valentines? He knows me. Humor, sincerity and a little creativity go a long way with a girl like me. A torch-lit snowshoe, an unusual meal, or a small adventure with our family are usually enough.

Valentines isn't restricted to romantic love. Sure it has it's roots in performing marriages for soldiers who were denied the right to marry a wife at that time. It also rooted in loving on those less fortunate. It was a day chosen to celebrate a Saint who selflessly loved others. Valentines gives us the chance to express love and appreciation to those who have loved us. Not just the ones who love us romantically but anyone. Even those who society deems unlovable. When viewed this way, Valentines turns into an opportunity!

Love is meant to be given and celebrated every day. The reality is, for many it is not. Some of us need a special day to remember our commitment to love others well. Valentines can become a valuable check point. An opportunity to evaluate how well we are doing in this area. Am I speaking their love language to them daily? Am I giving them my full attention? Am I spending too much time at work, or on my phone or tablet? Am I living in a way that tells the people in my life that they are more important than the other things that try to steal my attention? Valentines can be a chance for me to evaluate if my priorities are reflected by my actions. I have to be brave and honest wth myself so that I can make the necessary adjustments. There is significant value in that. 

Valentines has become a crazy, commercial gong show. The problem is that my previous position didn't make room for people who communicate love through gifts and who receive love through gifts. A hard core stance against gift giving on any holiday can deeply hurt people who receive love through giving and receiving gifts. Many misunderstand and think size, and cost matters to a person with the love language of gifts. Any thoughtful gift, big or small, bought or hand made, communicates love. To be shamed for this love language is profoundly damaging.

My sister has this love language. I feel awful because it is my lowest one, I am awful at loving her in this way. In fact, she is the only one in our family with this love language. I. Am. Sorry!!!! She vibrates with excitement from the moment she gets a gift until she can give it to you. She tells me, with great delight when she has found something perfect for me. She can barely stand it and will sometimes try to give it to me early. Making her wait is my twisted way of messing with her. Plus, I like opening gifts on my actual birthday :)

She has been very hurt by the disdain poured out on gift giving. She should be free to find the perfect gifts without judgment on this day, or any day! Those who want to love her in the way she receives love best should be able to give her the perfect gift with freedom on this day or any other day too.

Craig and I celebrate simply. We stick to a favorite activity with our family, or encouraging words in a card to one another, our children, or anyone else whose love has been a precious gift to us. The point is, pay attention and love your loved ones the way they receive love. If that is through gifts, that is just as beautiful as any other way. 

I have realized that even though I am committed to using every day as an opportunity to love those who are precious to me, I am thankful for the reminder to do so on Valentines Day. It gives me something to look forward. It is a chance to be creative in an otherwise dreary and challenging month.  It breaks up the grind of life in mid-winter and brings a little fun, color, and vitality. I have decided to embrace every opportunity to celebrate the amazing people in my life. As a result, I now choose to embrace Valentines Day!

Help! I'm a Mom!

Do you remember the moment it hit you? That profound moment when you realized that you, and your husband, were the ones who had to make the best choices for the little life in your hands? The moment when the responsibility seemed massively huge, and you felt so ill equipped? The moment you realized that if there were a way to be the perfect Mom, you would be. But then, you became painfully aware of your inability to be perfect.

For me, this moment happened the day they sent us home from the hospital. I was completely dumbfounded, how could the medical professionals trust us and send us home with this precious, helpless, wrinkled little sweetheart. Didn't they know all I had was some experience with babysitting, a few observations from watching family friends and that the rest of my very limited knowledge came from some books on my nightstand!?! How is that enough to guide, teach, and raise a precious little? What were they thinking letting us waltz out from under their wisdom, medical skill, and experience?!?

I remember looking at our little girl, my heart exploding with love. I have a wild imagination; even my imagination couldn't prepare me for that amount of love. I simply found it astounding.

Then our lives were overtaken by the sleepless nights, the crying, the helplessness of not being able to stop the crying. Explosions from both ends of something so small it was impossible to comprehend that they were the source of all the...grossness.  All of this was interposed with sweet expressions and adorable fingers and toes. Moments of intense, powerful love. Then, after a couple of hours of sleep, it would start all over again. 

It is a contradictory existence, a delicate balance between the sweetest and most challenging moments in life.  It is straight up exhausting! I thought I was the only one struggling. I thought everyone else was knocking it out of the park while I was ready to fly out the door for some quiet time when my husband came home. Not every day was like that. But there were days! And they were not always the minority ;)

Don't get me wrong, I love being a Mom. It is the third best thing I have done in my life. Loving God and loving Craig being the first two. 

I adore my children, and I know you do too. The reality is that this is a tough job. Parenting is not for the faint of heart.  There are the days when we cannot even express the bliss and wonder of it all. And then there are days we just pray these precious littles will survive us, and we them.

In order to make the most of this time I had a few checkpoints. I ask myself, these questions to regroup and refocus.

1. What is draining the life out of me right now? If I wasn't getting devotional time, I put memory verses around where I would nurse or wash dishes and meditate on them. Or I would identify a quiet time of day and try to get into my Bible and pray then. If it was that I wasn't getting out enough, I talked with Craig, and we decided I should join the gym. I got up at 6;00 am and tried to get back as they were waking up. If I was not getting enough sleep, I gave up that quiet time after the babies were down and went to bed when they did. It is important to know what gives life to you so that you can withstand the things that drain you.

2. What are appropriate expectations for my children at this stage? If I am frustrated, it could be that my expectations are not reasonable. There is nothing more draining and discouraging than unreasonable expectations. It can rob the joy of discovering who your littles are. It can make life hard for you and them.

3.Are we living according to our values? Discord between beliefs and actions can cause tension and rob a soul and a family of joy. Every once in a while, we need to evaluate how our lives as a family line up with what we believe and value. After a rough cold has gone through the house, we need to get screen time under control again. We need to evaluate if we are giving our time to the things we have decided are important. As the kids grow up, they need to be a part of these discussions. They need to buy in and decide where they will volunteer, how they want to develop their gifts and learn their interests and strengths. A family is full when behaviour, beliefs and interests are in alignment. It helps a ton if parents are on the same page.

Raising decent humans is a tough job. If you are worried you are failing, you are probably doing just fine. None of us is perfect. None of us have all the answers. Most of us are worrying about how we have failed our children or if they will be adequately prepared for life. That is ok. You are not alone. Truly, you are doing an incredible job under the circumstances and demands! I mean it!!!

In the end, God is enough to cover the areas where we were not sufficient. He's got our precious ones looked after. Do your best, and then rest in the fact that God has it figured out from there. That is the only way to stay sane!

Finger Paint and Other Musings

What are your favourite memories from childhood? My childhood was great, not pain-free, but truly fantastic! Some of my favorite memories? Running barefoot in the grass at twilight, catching "grass moths", dancing in the rain with my friends, feeling the wind whip through my hair as I flew down a hill on my bike. Loading our trampoline with water and friends, well beyond its capacity. Running with our troupe through the neighborhood like a pack of wild dogs. Good times!!

I was truly grieved by the changes in what was socially acceptable by the time we had children. We entered a sanitized, scheduled reality. It felt somewhat colourless.

Now I read things like "Mess-free finger painting" and my heart breaks a little. What is happening to childhood?? What happened to imagination, exploration and experience?
What happened to putting our fingers in the paint!?!

Facing this new "scheduled play date, don't let the kids run the neighbourhood" sanitized version of childhood, I felt like some color needed to be put back into childhood.

1. Our kids were allowed, no, encouraged to get dirty.  I would not get upset with them for getting muddy, instead we gave them the skills to clean up. Mud puddles, here we come!!!
2. Raincoats, rain pants, gum boots were available but not necessary. Everyone needs to run barefoot in the rain once in a while :D
3. When it snows, drop everything and get outside, catching snowflakes on your tongue is good for the soul!
4. Little boys and girls need their Mom's to initiate Nerf gun wars. It is epic. (It is also a good way to blow off steam)
5. There will be time later to clean the house. Spontaneity doesn't come naturally to me, I made a choice when my kids were little that I would try and embrace those opportunities and I think I am a little better at it now. Sometimes that means letting the house be messy.
6. If there wasn't a pack of kids to run the neighbourhood, there could be a pack at my house. There were times it didn't work, but I tried to make space for it.
7. Free time for kids is like water to a fish, lifegiving! We learned the hard way, downtime is the playground for imagination and creativity.
8. Get big boxes for them to build forts often!
9. Let them test their independence appropriately. The first time I let the boys ride across the neighbourhood to go find their friends and do some mountain biking, it was like they sprouted wings.
10. Finger paint!! The messy way!!!

We need to un-sanitize childhood a little. Let them take risks. I remember the first time I let them head to the playground alone, walkie-talkie in hand. The independence was fantastic for them. I nearly lost my mind, but it was so good for them to face things alone and test their life skills. Kids need to test their limits. They need to have the chance to have the opportunity to experience life even if it gets a little messy. Give kids a chance to go crazy. They need space to get their fingers in the paint!

Provider

Heading into this year, I knew the financial stress we would feel. Being on one income for four months due to surgery, Craig and I were both conscious of how creative we would have to be. We were uncomfortably aware that in the short term, our finances might not be pretty. 

We survived on one income when the kids were younger but with food prices the way they are and raising a couple of teenage boys... yeah, YIKES! 

As I came to the Lord with this concern and the guilt of adding, even more, pressure to my dearest man, I was feeling the weight of it. Craig never once did anything to make me feel that guilt. It was ALL me. I am learning to bring troubles to God more quickly.  He is ever faithful and good.

God did what He promises to do in His Word. In mercy and gentleness, God took my burden and replaced it with peace. In the last seven months, every time this concern would rise up, peace would wash over me.

Joni Eareckson Tada in her book "Hope...the Best of Things" says, "You may not realize it, and it may seem odd, but the sufferings that are scratching at your door are the very windows through which God wants to shine his brightest rays of hope. He wants to illumine your heart with his peace, power and perspective." He did just that for me. It is crazy amazing!!

In fall, our daughter approached us with the opportunity her team had been asked to consider. A missions trip to Costa Rica, costing $3750.00. We told her we would pray about it. I knew right away that God was calling her to go. When I thought of our limited ability to financially support her, again, God affirmed that He would provide. We told Sydney that if she felt God calling her to go, she should step out in faith. Where God leads, He always, always, provides. With excitement, we watched her take the step of faith and trust Him.

As a family, we began to pray regularly that if this was God's plan for her, He would be pleased to provide.

God is true to his word.

Scripture reveals this.

After telling His people, the Israelites what will happen, God tells them their response once His words come true. He says to them,

 "Then you will know that I am the Lord. Those who put their hope in me will not be ashamed.” Isaiah 49:23a 

This is how God has been our Provider, it just gets me so excited to share His faithfulness with you!

One week post-op. Craig and I received a large financial gift. It has taken the pressure off us financially. There are no adequate words. God is so good in his timing. May He mightily bless those who have been so generous to us. What else can we say...Thank you, Lord!! Thank you to those who use their resources to bless others. It has meant so much, and honestly, saying "Thank You" feels so inadequate. This gift has made a world of difference to us. We are so humbled by the blessing God has given us through you. 

Then that same day, and over the next 4 days, God raised up more people to share their resources so very generously. Sydney now has 96% of her financial need met for her Costa Rica trip
.

That is SO crazy!!!

Each gift a precious testament to God's faithfulness and the response of people to His purposes. Each giver, an encouragement and treasure to us.

This is truly a life lived to the fullest. A courtside seat to witness the merciful acts of a good God. 

We are almost speechless!! Well, it's me...not quite speechless ;)

There are no words sufficient to express what your generosity means. In less than a week, all of this.

WOW.

We are spinning from it.

To hear our child who once told us she didn't believe in God and who deeply struggled with faith exclaim,"If that is not God, I don't know what is!"

Powerful. Mind. Blowing. Powerful!!

To have our sons see God move so specifically in answer to her need and ours is incredible too.

Inexpressible joy!!!

Thank you to all who have responded to God's nudge and been a part of this incredible journey. We appreciate it all more than we can say.

God does not always move so quickly. He is building the faith of our children. As we mature in our faith, He stretches the timeline.

In one area of our lives, Craig and I have waited on God for 13 years. Even in this situation, God is good. Even in this endless waiting, God has provided. It may not be the answer we want, it may feel like He is asking us to wait longer, even when we feel our strength has faded. This is not an occasion to doubt God. Instead, we watch for moments like this. God is still at work and we choose to trust Him for His best. I do not always do this perfectly. Times like this remind me that God is still mindful of us and our situation. Even when we do not see Him working it out, the truth is that He has it completely under control.

God is good. He keeps His word. We put our trust in Him and have not been put to shame.

We have personally experienced Him as Provider, Jehovah Jireh, through the generosity of His people. What a beautiful, unforgettable blessing.

Psalm 25:1-3a

1 In you, Lord my God,

    I put my trust.

2 I trust in you;

    do not let me be put to shame,

    nor let my enemies triumph over me.

3 No one who hopes in you

    will ever be put to shame.

Post Surgery Life

I have known for six months that my shoulder would need surgery. It finally happened last Monday. For me, surgery is not the scary part. I was more concerned about life after surgery. So, we are almost one week in, I think I am recovering well. Of course, what do I really have to compare to? Rotator cuff surgery is very different from my previous surgeries. What I appreciate about this recovery? When I am going stir crazy, I can jump on my exercise equipment and work it out. 

Some great insights we have discovered;

1. When they say a responsible adult should come get you, they mean it. A responsible adult may be harder to find than you think ;)
2. Someone not under the influence of codeine should read the post-op instructions
3. Just because your medicine journal makes sense to you does not mean it makes sense to those caring for you. This is probably a task better left to people not under the influence of codeine.
4. Setting a phone alarm for your medicine schedule is very helpful. Again, this works better without codeine.
5. If you have a choice, ALWAYS choose day surgery. Recovery is much easier at home than in a hospital.
6. If you have a choice, private surgery centers are very comfortable. My surgery was covered by health care, however, they booked OR time at the private facility to decrease the wait list. That worked out well for me.
7. Everyone should be sent home with their own personal blanket warmer.
8. Your sister should always come take care of you after surgery because your husband already is burning the candle at both ends. If you don't have a sister, you should get one.
9. It is good for your sister to stay for a week but 10 days or two weeks is better. You need a very excellent brother-in-law for this to happen. Do you think if I ask again, he will let her stay longer? ;)
10. If you don't try, you don't know. Just because cracking an egg with your left hand is easy in theory, does not mean it is in reality.  Knowing when to ask for help is also important. You should ask for help to get the egg shells out of the pan after you have tried to crack an egg with your left hand...

We are doing very well though that may all fall apart once my sister leaves. She has really made this so much easier. We are very blessed. I am learning what I can and cannot do left handed. I will be just as proficient cracking eggs with my left hand by the end of this! One day at a time, celebrating small victories is where it is at!

Entering the Tunnel

I have been feeling ambivalent about the arrival of 2016. I am facing it with the same unease as I would feel at the prospect of entering a dark tunnel. Reluctantly. I know it is going to be a challenging year for me. There is struggle, pain and the unknown ahead. There is recovery, rehabilitation and hopefully light ahead. I don't know the outcomes. I am not sure what the light on the other end of the tunnel looks like. I am not just looking at a fresh page with endless possibilities. There are some things already written on my page.

I am looking forward to what I know will be a stretching year. Surgery is written on my page.

I have to have surgery on my rotator cuff and bicep attachment. I will have 6 weeks of complete immobilization for that arm. I am not even sure I can do immobilization, how does someone do that? I will have 4 months off work.  My poor clientele! I will then have a slow re-entry into work, that will cost me financially and in clientele. In total, from start to "finish" it will be a year of rehab. Rehab is actually the only part of it all that I am looking forward to. I know it will be painful and frustrating but, I will get to learn and move and will feel like I have something to offer to. If I do it well, I will regain my strength, mobility, and the things I love to do will be doable again.

That is what a major part of 2016 is going to look like for me.

My honest reaction? UGH!!!

To be completely authentic with you, I have been struggling to listen to everyone else's excitement. I hear people talk about the things they are looking forward to, anticipating, wondering about. I am glad for them. I hope they have a magnificent year.  I just feel a bit of a twinge as I think about my own year ahead and realize what a struggle it is going to be.

In order to handle this coming year well, I have to face what I am really feeling about it, acknowledge where I am and make a plan for where I want to be.

If I stick my head in the sand and pretend I am good, I will be sideswiped by my feelings when they become too big to ignore. I may not like how I am feeling, but it is how I am feeling.

When I look ahead, I know there will be pain, frustration, exhaustion, fear, financial stress, and slow progress. I know I will feel guilt at needing my family to do everything for me when I would rather do things for them. I know I will be sitting on the sidelines watching my family have fun when I would rather be having fun with them. I know I will have to find new recreation to replace the things I will not be able to do. I will have to be on top of my attitude and outlook. I will need to be able to quickly identify what I am feeling and work it through so that it doesn't sneak out and impact those I love.

When I look at the year coming up, I know it will be difficult. I know how I want to handle it. I know the only way to do that is to be grounded in Christ. Some of these are not new habits but,  I will need to be sure I continue diligence in them.

My plan:

1. Perspective. God and His Kingdom work are the priority, this is a small blip in the story of my life and my place in God's Kingdom story.
2. Continue to pursue God daily, spending time in His word and prayer.
3. Daily examine, allowing time for reflection and for God to examine my hearts, motives, feelings, posture. 
4. Gratitude. Daily I will need to look for what I have to give thanks for. Gratitude is one of the foundations of joy. I want joy!!
5. I will continue to meet with and be honest with my Spiritual Director. 
6. Love, I will seek to love those around me to the best of my ability. I will strive to stay other focused.
7. Trust. When I begin to be fearful, I will recount God's faithfulness through the ages in history and in my life.
8. Flexibility. I will embrace the opportunity to adapt, grow, and respond positively to circumstances and challenges.
9. Discipline. I will be relentless about these spiritual disciplines and my rehab exercises. 
10. Community. I will continue to make getting together with people a priority. The company, distraction, and laughter that happens with good friends is life giving.
11. Patience, I will seek to be realistic in my expectations, knowing there will be setbacks.  I know that looking at the larger picture will show which direction I am moving.

All of that said, here is what I am looking forward to. I know hard times are when my character is refined. I welcome that, there is much that needs work in me!!!  Difficulties force me to lean into God harder and more persistently.  I am fickle enough to need that motivation regularly.  Through trials and unwanted struggle, I learn more of who God is firsthand.  That is an immeasurable blessing, it is how God redeems the ugly in this world.  He is masterful at reclaiming all that is nasty, difficult and just plain ugly and bringing inexpressible beauty from it. Every trial I have faced I would endure again for the beauty God has created from it. In the end, the struggle has always been worth it. I am not one who goes looking for trouble, I have learned it is great at finding me. I find peace in the fact that God is ever present and working out His will through all the good and bad I have to face.  That is what I am looking forward to in this. That is what gives me courage, joy and even hopeful anticipation. And health, I am looking forward to restored health ;)

I wrote this before I found out my surgery will happen early this week. God is funny that way!!  We covet your prayers. Especially for Craig and the boys as much will be required of them. Please pray for our daughter who is far away and will find it hard not to be with us in this time. Please pray I am a "good" patient ;)  Also, I would ask for protection in the first 6 weeks so that these small muscles and tendons heal perfectly.  This journey may form a large portion of my blog material over the next while.  I will try to keep up as best I can. I am now entering the tunnel...

What's Over the Hill?

A year ago I took a step of obedience I had fought for, well, a long time. Over a year, maybe two, I don't really want to admit specifically how long.

I know for some the personal nature of a relationship with God sounds strange. That He speaks to those who follow Him and enters into conversation sounds ridiculous.  Until it happens to you, there is no way to describe it or explain it. I don't know what to say. He speaks to me. He has had grace on me and lets me hear his voice and wants to do the same with you.

So then...back on topic!! God had been asking me to blog and for a long time I didn't take him seriously. I didn't read blogs, I didn't understand the concept. I didn't think anyone would really care about what I had to say. I wasn't sure I had anything to say. I just could not comprehend why God would ask me about this. Honestly, it did not make any sense at all.

 I said nothing to anyone. I didn't even mention it to my husband.  I kept pushing it off. So God started speaking louder and louder. He is so patient and relentless with me.  I was so resistant, He finally had others speak to me. In a couple of weeks time random people, who knew nothing about this battle I was having with God, would walk up to me and talk to me about sharing my thoughts in a written form. One even mentioned blogging specifically. Unbelievable!!! What can I say, I am one stubborn girl. But, that finally got my attention.

A year ago, at Ladies Bible Study, God gave me something to share and let me know it was to be my first official post. I cannot even express the fear. It is a vulnerable thing posting your thoughts and reflections. I wonder and pray fervently each week what God is going to ask me to share.

Thank you. To those of you who read my posts, you are patient with my grammar, thought formation and all the mistakes I make.  I struggle with the demon of perfectionism. In College and University, I would go over and over my work so I would get the grade I wanted. I was detailed and had the time to be so. The rules of writing do not come naturally to me and so a lot of editing is required. Currently, life does not allow me the time to review my writing as much as it needs. (Or as much as I would like) Yes, It clearly needs more editing than I am capable of and I am painfully aware of it. Yet, God will not let me stop. He is just telling me to get better at it. I know, right!?! Can you believe it!?! I thought that after a year of seeing how it went, He would agree with me, realize how inept I am and allow me to stop.

God has a great sense of humor.

Every time I have the thought that "this post will surely be my last!" He has a reader write me a private message or bump into me at a shop giving us a chance to talk about it.  Or a reader will comment on the post and I am encouraged to continue. Every. Time! Not even kidding a little.

I have learned that every time God asks me to do something and I finally give in, I am surprised by how much I am blessed. He has helped me in so many ways this year as I have worked through the various posts. I have grown through this task.

Clearly, God has His reasons.

Who would ever think that a no name girl from a now where place would have her thoughts read in multiple Countries by such a variety of people. It is honestly mind blowing.

To those who take the time to read my posts, I appreciate your patience with me. Many of you have hung on in spite of my mistakes. I am completely humbled that you would take the time to read my thoughts. I am very relationally driven. I LOVE it when you share your responses. Messaging me with how you identify with what I write or struggle with it. Keep that up. It's my favorite!! I am glad for the adventure it has been and for the interactions with so many beautiful people. I am actually glad to continue the adventure. Who would have thought it! Thanks for sharing it with me.

For now, it looks like the journey will continue. I have no idea what is over the hill, but I guess that is where we are going...YIKES!!!