The words "STOP", "Danger", "No" are received as a challenge. They will give you a look at two years of age as if you have just thrown down the gauntlet. A Warrior child never grows out of testing those boundaries.
If you are raising a Warrior toddler, there is no distracting them, no guiding them to something new and exciting. Their will is focused, insatiable and relentless.
Everything, time outs, removing of special toys, or any other creative discipline seems ineffective. As a parent, you know the minute you lay a boundary, it will be challenged. You find yourself chanting sayings to yourself to prepare for battle.You feel as though you are living in WW III.
It is downright exhausting!
We knew, very quickly, that we had a Warrior. He is amazing. We are still head over heels in love with him. His siblings are willful and determined, but they do not hold a candle to his relentless determination and appetite to fight for what he wants. This Warrior takes it to a whole new level.
Having just turned 4, our Warrior, got out of his car seat, barrelled over and out of the drivers door yelling "Don't talk to my Mom like that!!!" to an old man who thought I had pulled in too close to his precious truck bumper. I had a good 3" to spare :)
At 5 years of age, he made wonderful friends at the hospital when he had to get surgery. He spat the oral anesthetic back into the nurses face. Good times! Our Warrior fought so hard going into surgery that he came out with a fat lip. He believed with all his heart that he had won. The Surgeon had NOT extracted his adenoids. He would not eat a popsicle or use the bathroom post-op. He just wanted to go home. Eventually, the staff realized that it was just better to let us go.
As a grade one student, our little Warrior took on all the boys in grade 3 yelling at them "STOP CHASING MY SISTER!". She then had to explain that they were playing tag. It still didn't sit well with him.
I have grown up with a Warrior and am now raising one. Here is a little of what I have learned along the way. If you feel that you are in WW III, take the time to evaluate your parenting in these areas.1. Warriors need to be reassured of your unconditional love. They need to be told, in lots of ways, in no uncertain terms, that they are accepted, fully, for all of their strengths and all of their weaknesses. They need to know that they are treasured and desperately loved.
2. Warriors need respect. Regardless of gender, all Warriors need to feel respected. They need to know that you recognize the valid points of their position and argument. Warriors need to know you respect them, even if you disagree with them. Respect is conveyed in tone, body language, and words.
3. Warriors NEED choices. Other children do well with choices; Warriors need them. If you feel like all you are doing is fighting with that child, you are picking too many battles or not giving them enough say. Set aside some time with your spouse, evaluate which fights are the non-negotiable fights. Come up with choices for everything else. Warriors need multiple choices a day.
4. Every day needs to be a fresh start. For school aged kids, discipline choices should last a day. If trouble happens at bedtime, explain that discipline will be discussed at breakfast and will last for the duration of the next day. They desperately need the hope that they get a second chance tomorrow.
5. Warriors need help determining what they are responsible for. Warriors carry the weight of the world. They believe they are as capable as an adult even when they are 3 or 4 years old. They need clear expectations, or they will be crushed by carrying a weight of responsibility that is not theirs to carry.
There are times when we can be doing all these things well, and you can still be experiencing WW III. I usually chalk it up to growing. It makes me feel better...
As a Warriors parent, you believe you are failing. You are worried how their teachers will like them if they are going to get kicked out of school or be some epic rebel.
In my experience, other adults love them. Warrior children are charismatic. Other adults who know your child will look at you like they have no idea what you are talking about, and you will start to wonder who they are talking of.
A Warrior child will save their fight for you. As their parent, you are the place they feel safe to throw down. If you have done your job, they give respect to others who have authority over them. They will continue to challenge you also, as they grow and learn, they will become more repectful in challenging you.
I realize that not all Warriors are the same. I also understand that all children do well with these principles. If you think that this is not different than regular parenting, you are probably not raising a Warrior. These principles have to be carried to another level.
The difference is that they are necessities for Warriors and their parents to thrive. They are essential to keep chaos from taking over. Even with these principles in place, the parent of a Warrior is painfully aware that they are 1/2 a step away from complete chaos breaking out.
These are expressed NEEDS. Warriors need these aspects to be very, very clearly exhibited. We have two other children who do not require the same degree of explicit and clear presentations of these principles. Warriors are a different breed. It is possible that this makes no sense to you. I believe that means you do not have a Warrior child. People raising Warriors get this. We share an understanding smile and quietly listen to the wisdom of those who "Never experienced that!" knowing that if they had our kid, their ideas would be blown up, found wanting, completely destroyed. We are a humbled group who identify and commiserate with one another quickly.Looking forward to sharing more next week!
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