Tricks I have Discovered for Surviving and Enjoying Teenagers

I have been enjoying teenagers immensely these last few years. I have to admit this has been a delightful surprise. I have always thought it would be scary. No really, I was worried! This lead to a lot of praying, reading and asking questions of people who I thought were managing raising teens well.

I love my teens. I am thrilled about having a house full of teenagers. It isn't scary at all. In fact, I have found it the complete opposite! 

Now please understand me when I say, we are not perfect. We have our off days when we say or do things that do not fit our philosophy of parenting. We have moments when, if given a second chance, we would definitely change our ways. We are so very human. 

That said, these are a few of the critical elements we have discovered that help maintain enjoyment of one another during these years. 

1. Have realistic expectations. Now, I believe in expectations. I know if the bar is raised in an encouraging environment, kids are eager to reach for it and challenge their potential. If the bar is set unreasonably high, it is discouraging, disheartening and will cause a child to withdraw and give up. The goal is to help them win.
2. Overwhelm them with love. Know how they give and receive love and then flood them with it. Make sure that if they know one thing, it is that you are head over heels in love with them and nothing will ever change that. Be specific. Let them know what it is that you love about them. Their humor, their gentle nature, their courage, the way their mind works, their determination or work ethic. Let them know that who they are is already enough, your love for them is unconditional. 
3. Laugh a lot! Don't lose your sense of humor or take yourself too seriously. I know there is a boundary of respect, but it is fun for a kid to be able to tease a parent and joke around. Be present enough to catch their jokes and removed enough not to take it personally. Laughing together is bonding and healing.
4. Don't assume. Teenagers are changing dramatically in their thinking and perspectives. They are developing abstract thought. They are also teenagers and can say outrageous things. I have been learning that instead of assuming I know where they are coming from and reacting to what is said, it is better if I ask a few clarifying questions. I am often surprised and intrigued by the thought behind a statement. Then we work on more diplomatic ways of sharing ideas ;)
5. Limit the criticism. My Mom once told me she wished she had talked less. My kids already know what is expected, what is right. Sometimes they suffer from teenage brain and then, when it is too late, their brain checks back in.  We don't need to rub it in. Sometimes just asking the right question is enough to know they already have it worked out and know how to avoid it next time. Often, they have already experienced the natural consequence and don't need more than that.
6. They are the size of an adult and can masquerade as an "almost" adult, but they are not adults. Even the smartest child will need a little support in working a plan through or breaking it up into manageable sized chunks. A few gentle questions can expose the holes or you can just sit back and watch things play out. Either way it can be entertaining.
7. Believe in them. Encourage them, let them know why you believe in them. Help them identify their strengths. Help them see what you see. Repeat your thoughts frequently. They are often getting thrown into things that can overwhelm them or challenge their confidence. Knowing you think they can do it, helps them believe in themselves. Your confidence in them can give them courage to step out in new ways. 
8. Engage them on lots of topics. Give them a chance to talk. You already know what you think and chances are good they do too. This is your chance to find out what they think!
9. Play together. This builds common ground and positive memories together. Don't just assume they only want to be with their friends. Engage in what they are interested in. They still want to be with you too.
10. Give them the freedom to make choices. Consider it a test run before they leave home. I used be so frustrated with my Dad when I would ask him if I could go see a show and he would say, "Do what you think is best." I am sure I disappointed him with my choices at times and I hated the idea of doing that. But, he and Mom let me make my choice whether they agreed with it or not. As a parent now, I get it!  We need to let them test their decision making and independence while they are in the safety of our home, while we are here to support them. Keep the responsibilities appropriate, you know what they can handle.

Some of these things come more naturally to me than others. I need to be intentional with things like holding my tongue and allowing the natural consequence be the teacher. I need to be conscious of giving them the opportunity to make their own choices and ease them into independence. Some things, like keeping my sense of humor, loving on them and building them up are more instinctive. Thankfully Craig has strengths in areas I am weak. Over all of this is prayer. I spend a lot of time in prayer for my children, on my own and with trusted friends. 

I have also been known to dig out my Developmental Psychology book or even Google developmental descriptions at certain ages. A few Doctors trips for physicals are worth it through the years just to make sure there are no other reasons for fatigue or crankiness. Knowing some of the common traits for different ages helps to shape realistic expectations and ease worries. I know it might be hard to believe but, one day you may find yourself concerned because your child who has always climbed the walls is at risk of morphing into one of the pillows on your couch.

Don't be afraid or beg trouble before it comes. Teenagers are great. They have fascinating minds and are growing in amazing ways. Teenagers can also drive you crazy!  I am learning to not let some of the frustrations rob me of the joy and wonder of this stage. It really is a very intense and precious time. I want to be able to enjoy it the best we can.