When All You Have Left Are Tears

Have you descended to a place where the suffering is so dark and deep, there are no words left? 

Have you known a grief that physically hurts so badly you cannot form words? 

Have you been thrust into a situation so full of pain or loneliness, a place so desperate that there are no words adequate or even available to you?

I have known this pain. I know I am not alone. I know most everyone has or will, at some point, experience this kind of crushing grief.  I have endured it in different settings, at different times and in various circumstances. Just as there are no words to express it, there are no words to describe it. To even attempt description would be dishonoring. 

This pain is it's own category of suffering.

It is a uniquely desperate, helpless place. It is in that depth of sorrow where words have failed.  I haven't even know what to ask for to make it better. It is that point of despair that is beyond my ability to understand. I cannot comprehend it let alone bear and endure it. It is crushing, it seems to threaten to destroy. Without the grace of God it is too much to carry.

It is that place of pain and suffering where I felt that all I have left are tears.

Years before I had experience with this level of pain and suffering I had read these verses in Romans 8:26-27.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.  And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

Oh the glorious beauty of those words.

Even before I had need of their comfort, these words brought just that.

There is such tenderness, mercy and hope in those few sentences. Such beauty invited into such desperate pain. 

These verses touch on big promises.

When all I have left is tears, God is with me. 

When words fail me, the Spirit is there to communicate for me. 

I don't have to have words, I don't have to try to communicate my experience. He knows my pain intimately. He has searched my heart and mind. He knows!

When I don't know what I need, or what to ask for, it is alright. He knows!

When I am vulnerable and don't know which way is up. He knows. The Spirit knows how to pray it out for my best, in accordance with God's will.

God doesn't leave me lonely, speechless and directionless. He addresses all of that. He quietly moves into my pain with gentleness, mercy and love. While those are often the worst times of my life, they become beautiful because I have never been more aware of His presence, loving kindness and faithfulness.

He reclaims those moments and reshapes them into evidence of His grace and goodness. It is in those times that he has forged my character. He has humbled me, developed my love, patience, kindness. He has worked on my rough edges and strengthened my perseverance.

It is those dark times when I have learned to know him personally as my Healer, Savior, Defender, Sustainer. He has been my Shelter, Provider, the one who sees me and my Hope. I know him as Redeemer, the Merciful One and Father. He is the Faithful One in whom I can trust. In those dark times he has revealed to me my own self and who he is. Suffering has been the soil which he has used for powerful times of growth. In those darkest of times he reveals his presence and his character. If he calls me to suffer more, I will. He never wastes the pain. He always redeems it. It has all been worth it.

When all you have left is tears, you have an opportunity to invite God into that place. Giving God access to your pain does something amazing. It positions you to witness, first hand, his presence, love and power.

While I wish that I could promise you that you wouldn't have to endure such suffering, I pray you come to know God as I have in those moments.

With Love,

Lisa

Every Day Moments Lived Well

I have done a lot of thinking about life lately. Perhaps one of the reasons God had me start blogging was that he knew writing would help me work through the transitions we are experiencing.

As we prepare to launch our first child into her next chapter, I find myself reminiscing about the chapter that is closing.

One of my close friends made the comment ruefully "So much of our time is busy with just living, school, meals, homework, laundry." She is right. There is a lot of time just spent doing the regular boring old things. The mundane tasks of living.

As I look back over our lives together as a family, it is a collection of those everyday moments.For the most part they are moments lived well. Moments that I treasure. 

We never upgraded from a starter home. We were blessed with a gift that enabled us To do some major renovations. We took out a wall, created an open living area with an island and computer area for homework convenience in our kitchen. As our kids began to grow my Mom once said "You might need a bigger house. This one will be bursting at the seams." Craig quickly replied "Studies show that families that live in tight quarters are closer. We are staying right here."  

Now, I know there are exceptions to the rule. There are factors like communication, interaction and other aspects of family living that will impact relational commitment. However, tight quarters do facilitate those factors. This is a slice of our experience. 

Living in tight quarters has created opportunities to learn to get along. Limited space has taught us how to share. We have one computer, one TV and one, very out of date, gaming console and screen. The kids had to learn to take turns, negotiate and sometimes figure out when to walk away. They had to learn when to practice their music and when they couldn't because someone needed to have quiet for studying. Our small home created situations where we had to learn how to work through the sharing of that space daily.

Over time we realized that our children continued to congregate in our kitchen at the island, even when they could have gone to a quiet place or to their own rooms. Well, to another room. The boys chose to share a room so they could have a room for Lego and other activities. They still share a room out of choice. They each have their loft bed and are tucked into the smallest bedroom in the house at 16 and soon to be 15 years of age. Honestly, it just makes me laugh. They are as different from one another as two kids could be! One an extreme extrovert the other an even more extreme introvert. When we let them know they can have their own space, they both express a preference to share their room. I love that!!

We have had great holidays. Camping, times at the lake. We have had great trips generously given by family to places we probably wouldn't have been able to get to on our own. But those special times are not what I will miss. We will have more of those God willing. 

It is the every day moments doing homework, having them help me get dinner on the table, eating breakfast together at the island that I will miss. It is sitting down to dinner and asking what was the best part of the day, the challenging or funny part and hearing each other's stories that I will miss. It is listening with interest as I fold laundry in another room when the kids are trying to figure out what to watch together, or tackling a philosophical idea or how they will negotiate a conflict. It will be walking past the boys bedroom and hearing the rumble of their manly voices as they chat, or argue, before falling asleep that I will miss. It  will be those missing moments that will make this house seem too big one day.

It is the everyday moments. Teaching them healthy conflict, exploring ideas together, hearing their opinions or thoughts. Quin's millions of questions, Connor's quick witted remarks and Sydney's challenge to think about an idea from another perspective.  It will be the good natured teasing of siblings or the sound of their music filling our home. The creak of the door as they come home from school and greet me with a happy " Hi Mom!".   Goodnight hugs and kisses. Laughter as something funny happens and they burst out into a chorus of giggles. I love their laughter! 

Everyday humdrum moments. 

I remember being on the phone with Craig when he was away one time. The kids were little, I was overwhelmed and exhausted. I remember him asking how the day went and I sadly replied, "I don't remember if we laughed today, I don't think we laughed today." There are tough moments, days and seasons. If one of the kids was having a difficult time and would say "I am having a bad day." I would try to say "We are having a bad moment. It doesn't have to be a bad day!" 

There will be hard days and bad moments, but the goal is to have the good moments outnumber the bad. I have tried to teach myself and our children to get up, move past it, and see if we can redeem the next moment.

The goal is to have a collection of everyday moments.

Moments that are beautiful.

Everyday moments lived well.

The best manual I have found for accomplishing this is God's love letter to his creation. 

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Colossians 3:12 (NIV)

Tricks I have Discovered for Surviving and Enjoying Teenagers

I have been enjoying teenagers immensely these last few years. I have to admit this has been a delightful surprise. I have always thought it would be scary. No really, I was worried! This lead to a lot of praying, reading and asking questions of people who I thought were managing raising teens well.

I love my teens. I am thrilled about having a house full of teenagers. It isn't scary at all. In fact, I have found it the complete opposite! 

Now please understand me when I say, we are not perfect. We have our off days when we say or do things that do not fit our philosophy of parenting. We have moments when, if given a second chance, we would definitely change our ways. We are so very human. 

That said, these are a few of the critical elements we have discovered that help maintain enjoyment of one another during these years. 

1. Have realistic expectations. Now, I believe in expectations. I know if the bar is raised in an encouraging environment, kids are eager to reach for it and challenge their potential. If the bar is set unreasonably high, it is discouraging, disheartening and will cause a child to withdraw and give up. The goal is to help them win.
2. Overwhelm them with love. Know how they give and receive love and then flood them with it. Make sure that if they know one thing, it is that you are head over heels in love with them and nothing will ever change that. Be specific. Let them know what it is that you love about them. Their humor, their gentle nature, their courage, the way their mind works, their determination or work ethic. Let them know that who they are is already enough, your love for them is unconditional. 
3. Laugh a lot! Don't lose your sense of humor or take yourself too seriously. I know there is a boundary of respect, but it is fun for a kid to be able to tease a parent and joke around. Be present enough to catch their jokes and removed enough not to take it personally. Laughing together is bonding and healing.
4. Don't assume. Teenagers are changing dramatically in their thinking and perspectives. They are developing abstract thought. They are also teenagers and can say outrageous things. I have been learning that instead of assuming I know where they are coming from and reacting to what is said, it is better if I ask a few clarifying questions. I am often surprised and intrigued by the thought behind a statement. Then we work on more diplomatic ways of sharing ideas ;)
5. Limit the criticism. My Mom once told me she wished she had talked less. My kids already know what is expected, what is right. Sometimes they suffer from teenage brain and then, when it is too late, their brain checks back in.  We don't need to rub it in. Sometimes just asking the right question is enough to know they already have it worked out and know how to avoid it next time. Often, they have already experienced the natural consequence and don't need more than that.
6. They are the size of an adult and can masquerade as an "almost" adult, but they are not adults. Even the smartest child will need a little support in working a plan through or breaking it up into manageable sized chunks. A few gentle questions can expose the holes or you can just sit back and watch things play out. Either way it can be entertaining.
7. Believe in them. Encourage them, let them know why you believe in them. Help them identify their strengths. Help them see what you see. Repeat your thoughts frequently. They are often getting thrown into things that can overwhelm them or challenge their confidence. Knowing you think they can do it, helps them believe in themselves. Your confidence in them can give them courage to step out in new ways. 
8. Engage them on lots of topics. Give them a chance to talk. You already know what you think and chances are good they do too. This is your chance to find out what they think!
9. Play together. This builds common ground and positive memories together. Don't just assume they only want to be with their friends. Engage in what they are interested in. They still want to be with you too.
10. Give them the freedom to make choices. Consider it a test run before they leave home. I used be so frustrated with my Dad when I would ask him if I could go see a show and he would say, "Do what you think is best." I am sure I disappointed him with my choices at times and I hated the idea of doing that. But, he and Mom let me make my choice whether they agreed with it or not. As a parent now, I get it!  We need to let them test their decision making and independence while they are in the safety of our home, while we are here to support them. Keep the responsibilities appropriate, you know what they can handle.

Some of these things come more naturally to me than others. I need to be intentional with things like holding my tongue and allowing the natural consequence be the teacher. I need to be conscious of giving them the opportunity to make their own choices and ease them into independence. Some things, like keeping my sense of humor, loving on them and building them up are more instinctive. Thankfully Craig has strengths in areas I am weak. Over all of this is prayer. I spend a lot of time in prayer for my children, on my own and with trusted friends. 

I have also been known to dig out my Developmental Psychology book or even Google developmental descriptions at certain ages. A few Doctors trips for physicals are worth it through the years just to make sure there are no other reasons for fatigue or crankiness. Knowing some of the common traits for different ages helps to shape realistic expectations and ease worries. I know it might be hard to believe but, one day you may find yourself concerned because your child who has always climbed the walls is at risk of morphing into one of the pillows on your couch.

Don't be afraid or beg trouble before it comes. Teenagers are great. They have fascinating minds and are growing in amazing ways. Teenagers can also drive you crazy!  I am learning to not let some of the frustrations rob me of the joy and wonder of this stage. It really is a very intense and precious time. I want to be able to enjoy it the best we can.

Life Isn't Fair

"Life isn't fair!" Have you ever heard a parent say this to their child in a store? Did you ever hear it when playing a game? Have you ever had to say this to your own children? No, me either ;) 

I am hoping this truth isn't getting lost, even though I am struggling with the reality of it right now. I mentioned in an earlier post that we have a child who has struggled with a chronic illness from a young age. At a crucial and difficult moment, our family doctor knocked it out of the park when he said "I bet you are pretty frustrated that you have to deal with this." The look on our child's face was pure sadness and surprise, almost a "How could you know that!" expression. He gave our child permission to feel grief about their situation. Our Doctor went on to say, "Life isn't fair, this is your deck of cards. Everyone gets a deck of cards, some people get cancer,or addiction, some people get diabetes. It isn't fair, this is just how it is." 

I was thankful, God knew our child needed to hear it from someone other than us. Our Doctor spoke those words with such compassion and care, at just the right moment, maybe not even knowing that he was an instrument of God's grace that day. 

The other day I read this quote from Viginia Satir~ Life is not what it's supposed to be. It's what it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.

I was thinking about how I approach this as a follower of Christ. I am ashamed to say that it took me a while to wrap my head around the truth that God doesn't owe me the life I think I want or deserve. God doesn't show favoritism. The sun rises on those who follow him and on those who don't. The rain falls to nourish the crops of those who love and follow him and on the crops of those who don't.

In my last post I mentioned I have a rotator cuff injury that is preventing me from playing with my husband and kids the way we usually do during summer. I am sad because I feel like this is my last chance with our oldest who is graduated. I just don't know what next summer will look like. I feel like I have little time left with the boys and another summer on the sidelines is making me sad. But it's my 'deck of cards'. God really doesn't owe me anything. If I am not careful, my expectation of what I want or think I deserve will get in the way of what God wants to do at this time. I am trying to live out Romans 12:12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. I know you are surprised that I am struggling with this ;) I usually roll so effortlessly with the challenges life presents ( somehow the written word isn't quite catching the sarcasm that is enveloping my thoughts to the full extent, surprising!!)

My situation isn't nearly as challenging as my child's. I need to model my approach to affliction. I need to, not just for my child, but for my family and myself. Have joy in hope. Patience in Affliction. Faithfulness in prayer. 

Joy in hope. This restriction is not my eternity. I will get a new body that works exactly how it was intended to, "We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long to put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing." (2 Corinthians 5:2)

Patience in Affliction. Okay, this may be the hardest one for me. I like things working well, in order, efficiently. I have to remember that this will not always be my reality. My weak spot in having a good attitude will likely fall apart on this point. Patient endurance, not my favorite!! A day at a time is going to be my motto, rejoicing in small victories,

Faithful in prayer. The prayer isn't necessarily about my situation. How, in my current situation, do I stay on mission and pray that followers of Christ will be strengthened and the love God has for everyone be shared. My circumstance cannot eclipse the larger purpose. If I can keep this in perspective, my own frustration with my physical situation will be easier to keep under control.

Life will throw curve balls. I want to be able to look back and be certain that I behaved and acted in a way that honors God and others. I know I wont do this perfectly, but I want to do it to the best of my ability. This is my deck of cards and I want to cope with it in a way that models well for my children how to deal with disappointment.