Raising a Warrior Child: Part 2

Last week I introduced the topic of raising a Warrior child.  These incredibly determined, creative, often logical and articulate children are experts at humbling their parents. It is quite a ride!

Here are a few more things we have picked up along the way.

6. Warriors have the heart of a hero. They are naturally wired to defend.They are fiercely protective of their tribe. It is exponentially harder for them to watch those they love get hurt than it is for themselves to be hurt. Their instinct is to jump into your problem and take the hits themselves.  You cannot let them. They need to know you love this aspect about them and recognize the depth of their feelings in these situations.

7. Warriors need a gentle response. If you take a Warrior stance against them, LOOK OUT!  You just hit the big red button!  If it becomes clear they will not get their way, the goal shifts. All of a sudden winning means making everyone else as miserable as they are. This cannot happen or their behavior is rewarded.

8. Warriors need to understand. They are typically very black and white.  If they are afraid or uninformed, they will shift into fight mode.  This is not always possible to avoid as in our surgery experience.  That was scary for our Warrior no matter how much we talked or answered his questions. Whenever possible, take the time to sit, listen and answer their questions. Defiant behavior may be the result of fear or misunderstanding.

9. Warriors are natural leaders and need strong, clear, consistent leadership. In a leadership vacuum, they will take over and run the world at 2 years of age. As the parent, your leadership has to be loving and have very clearly defined (no loopholes allowed) behaviors and expectations.

Give them a chance to succeed at leadership, to work off their rough edges.  Our Warrior is a natural collaborator. He doesn't actually want to dictate but loves working together for the benefit of everyone.  There are times when he can't see past himself but that is normal teen behavior. When given the chance to see that everyone can win, he usually picks that option.

10 Warriors need encouragement.  They often feel like they are bad because they fight so much. Warriors do not always understand their need to fight. They can feel like their family dislikes them because of their need to battle.

It is important for you and the whole family to help them see very clearly what their strengths are, what they are good at and why even their need to fight is a large part of what is exceptional about them. Warriors seem confident, they often are not. Tell them daily what their strengths are and why they are amazing.

We still have conflict now and then, but let's be honest, that is normal. We have five different people with different viewpoints and perspectives.  We will not always agree. Conflict isn't bad, as long as we remain respectful and kind, which again, doesn't always happen. It is important that we equip ourselves and our families for healthy conflict. Everyone needs to be able to express themselves and work it out respectfully. It is our job as parents to know how to do that and teach our kids. When things go sideways in an arguement, we take a time out. When we come back to it, we own our behavior, apologize, correct our choices and press the restart button.

We are having a blast with our Warrior teen and his siblings.

If you are in the young years of raising a Warrior. Be encouraged! By building consistency, focusing on your Warriors strengths and viewing them positively, the teen years can be AMAZING!!  You don't want to break their will, the goal is to guide it and direct it in positive ways.  They will need their relentless doggedness for what they are designed to accomplish in this life. Not to mention, they give you a ton of amazing stories along the way! Take it a day at a time, look for the blessings. Not everyone gets this chance!

Raising a Warrior Child: Part 1

If you are raising a Warrior child, you know early on. In fact, there is no doubt in your mind when you hear the phrase, "Warrior Child" that you have one.

The words "STOP", "Danger", "No" are received as a challenge. They will give you a look at two years of age as if you have just thrown down the gauntlet. A Warrior child never grows out of testing those boundaries.

If you are raising a Warrior toddler, there is no distracting them, no guiding them to something new and exciting. Their will is focused, insatiable and relentless.

Everything, time outs, removing of special toys, or any other creative discipline seems ineffective. As a parent, you know the minute you lay a boundary, it will be challenged. You find yourself chanting sayings to yourself to prepare for battle.You feel as though you are living in WW III.

It is downright exhausting!

We knew, very quickly, that we had a Warrior. He is amazing. We are still head over heels in love with him. His siblings are willful and determined, but they do not hold a candle to his relentless determination and appetite to fight for what he wants.  This Warrior takes it to a whole new level.

Having just turned 4, our Warrior, got out of his car seat, barrelled over and out of the drivers door yelling "Don't talk to my Mom like that!!!" to an old man who thought I had pulled in too close to his precious truck bumper.  I had a good 3" to spare :)

At 5 years of age, he made wonderful friends at the hospital when he had to get surgery. He spat the oral anesthetic back into the nurses face. Good times! Our Warrior fought so hard going into surgery that he came out with a fat lip.  He believed with all his heart that he had won.  The Surgeon had NOT extracted his adenoids. He would not eat a popsicle or use the bathroom post-op. He just wanted to go home. Eventually, the staff realized that it was just better to let us go.

As a grade one student, our little Warrior took on all the boys in grade 3 yelling at them "STOP CHASING MY SISTER!". She then had to explain that they were playing tag. It still didn't sit well with him.

I have grown up with a Warrior and am now raising one. Here is a little of what I have learned along the way. If you feel that you are in WW III, take the time to evaluate your parenting in these areas.

1. Warriors need to be reassured of your unconditional love.  They need to be told, in lots of ways, in no uncertain terms, that they are accepted, fully, for all of their strengths and all of their weaknesses. They need to know that they are treasured and desperately loved.

2. Warriors need respect. Regardless of gender, all Warriors need to feel respected. They need to know that you recognize the valid points of their position and argument. Warriors need to know you respect them, even if you disagree with them.  Respect is conveyed in tone, body language, and words.

3. Warriors NEED choices. Other children do well with choices; Warriors need them. If you feel like all you are doing is fighting with that child, you are picking too many battles or not giving them enough say. Set aside some time with your spouse,  evaluate which fights are the non-negotiable fights. Come up with choices for everything else. Warriors need multiple choices a day.

4. Every day needs to be a fresh start. For school aged kids, discipline choices should last a day.  If trouble happens at bedtime, explain that discipline will be discussed at breakfast and will last for the duration of the next day. They desperately need the hope that they get a second chance tomorrow.

5. Warriors need help determining what they are responsible for. Warriors carry the weight of the world. They believe they are as capable as an adult even when they are 3 or 4 years old.  They need clear expectations, or they will be crushed by carrying a weight of responsibility that is not theirs to carry.

There are times when we can be doing all these things well, and you can still be experiencing WW III. I usually chalk it up to growing. It makes me feel better...

As a Warriors parent, you believe you are failing.  You are worried how their teachers will like them if they are going to get kicked out of school or be some epic rebel.

In my experience, other adults love them. Warrior children are charismatic. Other adults who know your child will look at you like they have no idea what you are talking about, and you will start to wonder who they are talking of.

A Warrior child will save their fight for you. As their parent, you are the place they feel safe to throw down. If you have done your job, they give respect to others who have authority over them. They will continue to challenge you also, as they grow and learn, they will become more repectful in challenging you.

I realize that not all Warriors are the same. I also understand that all children do well with these principles. If you think that this is not different than regular parenting, you are probably not raising a Warrior. These principles have to be carried to another level.

The difference is that they are necessities for Warriors and their parents to thrive. They are essential to keep chaos from taking over. Even with these principles in place, the parent of a Warrior is painfully aware that they are 1/2 a step away from complete chaos breaking out.

These are expressed NEEDS. Warriors need these aspects to be very, very clearly exhibited.  We have two other children who do not require the same degree of explicit and clear presentations of these principles.  Warriors are a different breed. It is possible that this makes no sense to you.  I believe that means you do not have a Warrior child. People raising Warriors get this. We share an understanding smile and quietly listen to the wisdom of those who "Never experienced that!" knowing that if they had our kid, their ideas would be blown up, found wanting, completely destroyed. We are a humbled group who identify and commiserate with one another quickly.

Looking forward to sharing more next week!

Thoughts From A Reformed Valentines Day Critic

If you know me well, you know I detest all things sappy and "ooey gooey" romantic. You will never see me wearing jewelry with a heart on it! It is not my thing. I won't judge you for wearing hearts, just don't judge me for not wearing them. Maybe that is why I rebelled against Valentines for years.

I used to think Valentines Day was ridiculous. Even through the first few years of marriage. I didn't like that it made people feel left out. It can, but it doesn't have to. I believed, and still do, that love should be expressed every day. I thought one specific day dedicated to celebrating love diminished our responsibility to choose to love daily. I thought is was a crazy, commercialized day exploited by retailers. It is, but that doesn't mean I have to make it about that.

At this point, you are probably thinking "poor Craig" how's the guy to win on a day like Valentines? He knows me. Humor, sincerity and a little creativity go a long way with a girl like me. A torch-lit snowshoe, an unusual meal, or a small adventure with our family are usually enough.

Valentines isn't restricted to romantic love. Sure it has it's roots in performing marriages for soldiers who were denied the right to marry a wife at that time. It also rooted in loving on those less fortunate. It was a day chosen to celebrate a Saint who selflessly loved others. Valentines gives us the chance to express love and appreciation to those who have loved us. Not just the ones who love us romantically but anyone. Even those who society deems unlovable. When viewed this way, Valentines turns into an opportunity!

Love is meant to be given and celebrated every day. The reality is, for many it is not. Some of us need a special day to remember our commitment to love others well. Valentines can become a valuable check point. An opportunity to evaluate how well we are doing in this area. Am I speaking their love language to them daily? Am I giving them my full attention? Am I spending too much time at work, or on my phone or tablet? Am I living in a way that tells the people in my life that they are more important than the other things that try to steal my attention? Valentines can be a chance for me to evaluate if my priorities are reflected by my actions. I have to be brave and honest wth myself so that I can make the necessary adjustments. There is significant value in that. 

Valentines has become a crazy, commercial gong show. The problem is that my previous position didn't make room for people who communicate love through gifts and who receive love through gifts. A hard core stance against gift giving on any holiday can deeply hurt people who receive love through giving and receiving gifts. Many misunderstand and think size, and cost matters to a person with the love language of gifts. Any thoughtful gift, big or small, bought or hand made, communicates love. To be shamed for this love language is profoundly damaging.

My sister has this love language. I feel awful because it is my lowest one, I am awful at loving her in this way. In fact, she is the only one in our family with this love language. I. Am. Sorry!!!! She vibrates with excitement from the moment she gets a gift until she can give it to you. She tells me, with great delight when she has found something perfect for me. She can barely stand it and will sometimes try to give it to me early. Making her wait is my twisted way of messing with her. Plus, I like opening gifts on my actual birthday :)

She has been very hurt by the disdain poured out on gift giving. She should be free to find the perfect gifts without judgment on this day, or any day! Those who want to love her in the way she receives love best should be able to give her the perfect gift with freedom on this day or any other day too.

Craig and I celebrate simply. We stick to a favorite activity with our family, or encouraging words in a card to one another, our children, or anyone else whose love has been a precious gift to us. The point is, pay attention and love your loved ones the way they receive love. If that is through gifts, that is just as beautiful as any other way. 

I have realized that even though I am committed to using every day as an opportunity to love those who are precious to me, I am thankful for the reminder to do so on Valentines Day. It gives me something to look forward. It is a chance to be creative in an otherwise dreary and challenging month.  It breaks up the grind of life in mid-winter and brings a little fun, color, and vitality. I have decided to embrace every opportunity to celebrate the amazing people in my life. As a result, I now choose to embrace Valentines Day!

Help! I'm a Mom!

Do you remember the moment it hit you? That profound moment when you realized that you, and your husband, were the ones who had to make the best choices for the little life in your hands? The moment when the responsibility seemed massively huge, and you felt so ill equipped? The moment you realized that if there were a way to be the perfect Mom, you would be. But then, you became painfully aware of your inability to be perfect.

For me, this moment happened the day they sent us home from the hospital. I was completely dumbfounded, how could the medical professionals trust us and send us home with this precious, helpless, wrinkled little sweetheart. Didn't they know all I had was some experience with babysitting, a few observations from watching family friends and that the rest of my very limited knowledge came from some books on my nightstand!?! How is that enough to guide, teach, and raise a precious little? What were they thinking letting us waltz out from under their wisdom, medical skill, and experience?!?

I remember looking at our little girl, my heart exploding with love. I have a wild imagination; even my imagination couldn't prepare me for that amount of love. I simply found it astounding.

Then our lives were overtaken by the sleepless nights, the crying, the helplessness of not being able to stop the crying. Explosions from both ends of something so small it was impossible to comprehend that they were the source of all the...grossness.  All of this was interposed with sweet expressions and adorable fingers and toes. Moments of intense, powerful love. Then, after a couple of hours of sleep, it would start all over again. 

It is a contradictory existence, a delicate balance between the sweetest and most challenging moments in life.  It is straight up exhausting! I thought I was the only one struggling. I thought everyone else was knocking it out of the park while I was ready to fly out the door for some quiet time when my husband came home. Not every day was like that. But there were days! And they were not always the minority ;)

Don't get me wrong, I love being a Mom. It is the third best thing I have done in my life. Loving God and loving Craig being the first two. 

I adore my children, and I know you do too. The reality is that this is a tough job. Parenting is not for the faint of heart.  There are the days when we cannot even express the bliss and wonder of it all. And then there are days we just pray these precious littles will survive us, and we them.

In order to make the most of this time I had a few checkpoints. I ask myself, these questions to regroup and refocus.

1. What is draining the life out of me right now? If I wasn't getting devotional time, I put memory verses around where I would nurse or wash dishes and meditate on them. Or I would identify a quiet time of day and try to get into my Bible and pray then. If it was that I wasn't getting out enough, I talked with Craig, and we decided I should join the gym. I got up at 6;00 am and tried to get back as they were waking up. If I was not getting enough sleep, I gave up that quiet time after the babies were down and went to bed when they did. It is important to know what gives life to you so that you can withstand the things that drain you.

2. What are appropriate expectations for my children at this stage? If I am frustrated, it could be that my expectations are not reasonable. There is nothing more draining and discouraging than unreasonable expectations. It can rob the joy of discovering who your littles are. It can make life hard for you and them.

3.Are we living according to our values? Discord between beliefs and actions can cause tension and rob a soul and a family of joy. Every once in a while, we need to evaluate how our lives as a family line up with what we believe and value. After a rough cold has gone through the house, we need to get screen time under control again. We need to evaluate if we are giving our time to the things we have decided are important. As the kids grow up, they need to be a part of these discussions. They need to buy in and decide where they will volunteer, how they want to develop their gifts and learn their interests and strengths. A family is full when behaviour, beliefs and interests are in alignment. It helps a ton if parents are on the same page.

Raising decent humans is a tough job. If you are worried you are failing, you are probably doing just fine. None of us is perfect. None of us have all the answers. Most of us are worrying about how we have failed our children or if they will be adequately prepared for life. That is ok. You are not alone. Truly, you are doing an incredible job under the circumstances and demands! I mean it!!!

In the end, God is enough to cover the areas where we were not sufficient. He's got our precious ones looked after. Do your best, and then rest in the fact that God has it figured out from there. That is the only way to stay sane!