What Just Happened!?!

I shake my head in disbelief. Here I am, surrounded by astonished parents. I listen to Mom's and Dad's say:

"It happened overnight!" 

Obviously it didn't.

"Where did the time go?" 

Fast, it went fast.

"We can't be old enough!"
Clearly we are!!

"They were just in Kindergarten!"

"What just happened?"
They grew up.
How dare they!?!

Here we are at Prom.

Young men and women my kids have gone to high school with, some they have gone to school with since they were in kindergarten, some they have known since birth. 

I am surrounded by young men dressed in suits, my own among them. 

Gorgeous young women so stunning it is hard to imagine them in a pair of jeans and a T-shirt.

My boys look like men.

They are men. 

So handsome!

I am so biased!!

Ok, I might be biased, but it is the truth, look at them!!

We are the parents saying stupid things to you young parents. 

"Enjoy it while you can!"

You young parents are drowning in diapers and sleepless nights while we long for our littles again, sticky kisses and chubby cherub cheeks.

"They don't stay little long."  

You are thinking, "Great because one more day of this might do me in!", while we long to have them small in our arms where we exercise some control of their worlds.

"They'll be gone before you know it!"

Young parents almost ready to cry from exhaustion think "Maybe that's not bad, I can't remember what it is like to not be exhausted, what does a full night's sleep feel like!?!" We are mulling what our homes will be like without this child filling their space in it.

We don't mean to overwhelm you or make you feel guilty. We just want you to get to our stage without wishing you had spent the time differently. We do not want you to have regrets.

We don' t want you to just have selfies of playing with your kid. We want you to put the phone down and enjoy playing with that babe. Make the memory real.

We don't want you to wash the dishes when your son asks you to help him build his train track. 

Put down the vacuum and when your little girl goes and gets her Princess dress, surprise her by dawning your Bridesmaid Dress or Wedding Gown and have that spontaneous tea party. 

I read a book of wisdom from retired Pastors a few years back. The last chapter was "What would I do differently?"

I was grieved because all of them had a large section wishing they had been more present and given more time to family. I just pinned a post on 37 regrets you will have. Many of them focused on family and children.

We don't mean to make you feel panicked. But when you are wiping the spit off your shirt at the Business meeting, or crying because you can't form a coherent sentence, we want you to remember, it is for a time. 

Even these are Holy moments. 

A gift.

Be present.

Don't miss it. 

They are for a time. 

Just a short time.

Feel what you feel. It's ok.

When you are discouraged, come to us, let us listen and tell you that you are amazing and you will get through.

Let us remind you, it is for a time.

Here I am, my little men taking my breath away as they dress up in three-piece suits. I watch them be the gentleman we trained them up to be. 

I know it is hard to imagine. You will be here too one day. You are going to feel simultaneously the sweetness of pride and the grief of time past.

My heart violently spasmed as I see our sweet girl dressed up, shining brighter than the sun. As we watch her become the woman we tried so hard to guide her into. 

You will be here too one day. Your mind will flash back to playing in the sandbox, jumping off the swings, splashing through puddles and your heart will ache with the bittersweetness of it all.

One day you will look back and think, "Where did the time go? How is it over already!?!" 

Put your phone down, the housework will keep.

Don't miss these moments.

It isn't long until you will be saying

"What just happened!?!"

The Heart of a Mother

As I sat contemplating Mother's Day, the thought came to me that I can never fully express to my children how much I love them. I can never get them to completely understand my heart for them. This may be one of my biggest frustrations.  The inability to adequately express all my heart holds for them.

I have mentioned in other posts that one of the things the Holy Spirit prepared me for as a child was to be a mother.  I knew it, deep, deep in my soul, very early.  Not just a mother to my own children, but as someone to walk with others on a Spiritual Journey. As a mother would. Lead, guide, encourage, walk alongside.  This is part of who I am. When I say "my kids" I am not talking only about the ones I gave birth to. I have many who I love just as dearly as my own. I am often overwhelmed by the capacity to love these as much as my own. I am almost afraid the intensity of the love God has given me for them will freak them out!!! 

I rely on actions, and words to show my kids how desperately I love them.  I know you do too. It is why we grab onto sayings like "I love you to the moon and back".  There are no words or actions that can demonstrate my love enough.

There is no way my kids will know the depth or breadth of my fierceness for them. I have to temper my protective instinct. Instead, I turn it to prayer and trust in God. There are appropriate moments to be protective; however, even then I have to control it. It would terrify people!

My kids will never know how hard it is to wait for them to see in themselves all that I see. They are incredible. Not perfect, definitely flawed, but so gifted and talented and amazing. I cannot tell them, they do not believe me when I do. I have to wait for God, life and time to unveil it. My heart bursting with all that I see in them.

When they hurt, I hurt. This is an almost unbearable pain. At times I have thought it might break me. They are not alone, never are they alone. there are no words for watching a child suffer. This is one of the most difficult aspects of a Mother's heart.

How can I express that I am for them? All the time! They cannot ever lose my love or loyalty. Even when I challenge, correct, set a boundary or discipline, I am doing so to make them better. Everything I do is motivated by that. I am always on their team. When they want to give up, I want to make sure it is for the right reasons so that they will not have regrets. When they can't go on I push them because I know they can. While this makes them frustrated, angry or sometimes downright hostile with me, I am willing to stand my ground because I see the end game.

Dear ones, I am for you!!

How does one express that just the sight of their face brings me joy? Just the thought of them fills my heart. All they have to do is exist and my heart is full. That is all it takes. They are enough. They do not have to do anything or behave a certain way. They are my delight. Words fail to express how deep and rich this is.

I know many of you know what I am talking about. Most of you can probably express it better.

The biggest gift on Mother's day is being able to live life with my biological children and those who have let me 'adopt' them. ( I cannot post pics of you because I haven't got permission!! If you think you might be "my kid" You are!!! ) You fill my heart and my life. It is the biggest blessing and the best part of life! Thank you for letting me love you.

Help I'm a Mom: I Am Not Enough

When parenting, have  you ever had the alarming thought "I am not enough."?

If you haven't, Iii am glad for you,  but please don't give those of us who have a weird, uncomprehending look. Your moment is either coming or you are blessed. If your moment is coming, you know who to call. If you are blessed, I am glad for you, please try not to make me feel less capable than I already feel.

The moment hit me early. My daughter was a week old, sleeping sweetly in her bassinet. I stood beside her watching her in the dim light and I felt overwhelmed all of a sudden at what the world would throw her way, the things she would need to learn and know. I felt small and ill-equipped. I knew I would let her down and wouldn't be enough. So we decided to have two more children and maximize the damage!! 

Ha! Just kidding, these are not the moments a couple remembers when they choose to grow their family. 

I cannot count the number of times I have felt this. Growing up is hard. I personally think it hurts worse watching your children go through it. For everything they go through, I am not enough.

I don't have all the answers, I don't have all the tools. I am limited by my own strengths and weaknesses, knowledge and experience. I am limited by my own limits. 

I am not enough.

We have had experiences in parenting when I have felt hopelessly wanting. Situations have arisen where I have been completely beyond my understanding, ability, and depth. Where even the place to start eludes me.

It is scary, heart-wrenching and the worst possible place to be. 

Or is it?

When I am desperate, I react in a few ways.

First,  I cry out to God. It is now my first instinct. I know some of you don't believe, some are not sure what they believe, and others actually feel let down by Him, forgotten or maybe even think God is against you. 

I have had my fights with God. In the middle of a situation, I do not always see what He is doing or what His end game is. Hindsight is perfect. I have learned from experience that if I tuck in close to Him, ask Him to show me where He is at work and what He is doing I can trust Him. Sometimes I don't get to see what He is doing, sometimes only hindsight shows me. Other times He has acted quickly and obviously. In the end, He is my only hope and so I turn to Him and ask Him to direct me.

Second, I seek to increase my tool belt. Usually, an obvious deficiency has been revealed. I do this through talking to people with the skill, knowledge or connections that will help me learn.i research, read books and devise patterns and plans for my behavior and reactions or interactions. I prayerfully ask God to reveal what I need and where to find it, then I ask what I am to do and when I am to do it. 

Third, I have learned to pay attention to the moment, I have learned to not let my mind run wild with 'what ifs' or possible outcomes. That is borrowing trouble. I have learned to stop worrying, pray and trust. Decades of work in a few simple sentences. It comes down to training your brain and dealing with what is right in front of you.

Fourth, I let people into what is going on. God has given us trusted friends who have loved us through many hard times. They help give perspective, insight, support and distraction. Laughter is the best medicine and they have been faithful in helping us laugh in spite of the struggle or pain we face. They help us keep our hope and focus on the step we are on. They support us with encouragement and prayer. It takes a village to raise a child and in my experience, it takes a village to support parents as they raise a child. Our people have helped us keep our heads above the water and our eyes focused where they need to be, on the face of Jesus. 

If you feel you are not enough, it is because you are not. 

And that is OK.

Because if you look at your life, the resources, people, and situations you find yourself in, what you need is within grasp. Somewhere close by is the tool, person, insight or action that you need. Sometimes we have to fight harder and go further than we feel capable of.  Even when the way is dark and a happy ending seems impossible, we can have hope. 

If you are feeling like you are not enough, it is alright. many of us understand.

We have been there.
Maybe we are there.

Take a risk, let someone know what you are feeling and 
if you can find the courage, what you are facing.

I have been there.

I am not enough.

In Our Weakness

Do you have a weakness? A bad habit or behaviour that you cannot overcome? Some area of struggle that you cannot gain victory over? Something that reminds you that you are flawed, imperfect, unlovely? Has it been a source of shame? Have you kept it hidden because you fear if others knew about it they would reject you?  Do you worry it makes you unloveable?

Have you ever dreamt of what it might be like if you could tell someone about it? That when you finally got brave enough to tell someone, their reaction would be one of love, compassion, and acceptance?

Do you long for a someone?

Someone who knew everything about you and would still accept you? Where the fear of rejection is wiped away? How amazing would it be to have someone who did not define you by that flaw but rather could see who you are becoming regardless of it? Do you long for a friend who would believe the best about you even though they knew your weakness?

What would it be like if someone saw all of you and loved you fully anyway? What if they could see who you dreamed to be and stayed with you in your successes and failures as you journey towards that goal? Wouldn't life be great if there was a friend who would help pick you up when you fall? Someone who would encourage you? A friend who would remind  you of the dream of who you want to be when you have forgotten.  What if there was someone who could help you regain courage to continue to move towards that dream? What would that be like?

God is that someone. He sees you, He loves you and wants a relationship with you.  He sees who you are meant to be and longs even more than you to see you realize it. He longs to walk step by step through the ups and down, successes and failures as you journey. He longs for your affection and to love you fully in return. God wants to be the most important relationship in your life.

He wants the security and intimacy of your relationship with Him to give you courage to let others know you. He longs for His people to love one another and the world the way He has loved us.

Do you have a brother or sister in Christ whose struggle you have difficulty understanding? Do you have a trouble extending compassion? Are they struggling with something that you find straight forward and honestly can't figure out why it is a problem for them in the first place?

Have you ever considered that you might actually try to treat them in their place of struggle the way you want to be received in yours? You may not be weak in the same exact thing, but can you identify with weakness and imperfection? (I am challenging myself here)

How do you want to be received in your area failure? Can you extend that compassion and grace to another?

Can you treat them the way you want to be treated?

Can you offer a place of safety and love the way Jesus offered one to you?

Can you be for someone what you yourself have longed for?

Could we choose compassion and love instead of judgement or the falseness of tolerance?

If we can live like this in the family of God, we have a better chance of loving all people better.

This is where real community begins.

This is the kind of love that shows others we are people of God.

Can you be their someone?

Life Lessons From Laundry

Last night I wearily began folding the most enormous pile of laundry. I cannot even begin to guess how many loads of laundry I have done over the years. More than can be counted perhaps.

Laundry! Oh the amounts a family of 5 can create!!

I don't remember being scolded for getting dirty as a kid. I remember shock and amazement at how messy I was.  We decided to never get upset with our kids for having adventures and coming home messy. In fact, we encouraged puddle jumping and mud hunts. I remember a few spectacular moments going to see what the commotion at the back door was about only to find sweet faces flushed from exploring and pride at how they wore the evidence of their misadventures. Shooing them into the backyard to hose down before coming in the house.

As I attacked my load (loads) of laundry I remembered how it used to bore me out of my mind. How I resented the mundane regularity of the task. How little hands used to help me sort and fold as best they could.

Laundry has taught me a few things over the years.

1. Be present- We have all sorted in a hurry and had that red sock Make our whites pink. Or gone down to switch the loads and forgot to pull that sweater out to hang. The frustration of finding it shrunk and ruined.
2. Plan ahead- We have all had a Friday when getting ready to go out we are gazing at our closet thinking, where are those jeans that look great with that top? Oh yeah, I spilled coffee on them on Wednesday and forgot to wash them...
3. Delegate- Part of being a family or working on a team means we all do our part. Having responsibility gives us connection, purpose, and confidence that we matter and are significant. I do my part you do yours. Seeing kids take on the responsibility and gain these important attributes is pretty sweet.
4. Things don't always make sense.
   
    Socks. I buy equal numbers, wear them in pairs. There is always a conundrum with socks. I may just ask if I can see a time lapse from the perspective of my socks when I see God, I am curious. I just cannot figure this out!  I even have a kid's book written (well in my head) to explain it. Yeah, I think that much about it. Please don't make any conclusions about me that are irreversible.
5. Slow down- I used to resent having to stop and go sort or fold laundry. I have learned over the years to enjoy the time to slow down and focus on the task. It calms me in a way.
6. Don't procrastinate- if you don't get it done you end up at the Chiropractor in shabby undergarments. Not cool!
7. Learn to enjoy the rhythm. The sun rises and sets predictably, we eat 3 meals a day,  the laundry needs to be washed weekly. I am a finisher, as soon as you are done laundry, there are clothes in the hamper. This can be hard for a finisher. I had to focus on the rhythms of life that give stability. If the rhythm of life is driving me crazy, I need a holiday. As I pay attention to the rhythm of my need for a holiday, I can predict how a calendar year should look.
   
8. A little goes a long way. I don't look at the huge pile. It overwhelms me and I feel I will be folding laundry for forever. I would rather play. Instead, I grab a handful, put it in front of me and fold it. Done! Grab another handful. All of a sudden I am done and I can go do something I like. Breaking a task down into manageable bites makes all the difference and I am rewarded multiple times as a finisher. Instead of finishing one load, I celebrated 10 finishes for one load.
   
   
9. Men do it differently and that is OK. In the desire to lighten my workload once in a while Craig will insist on looking after it. He sorts differently, folds differently. I quickly go through and pull out anything that needs special attention and hide it (don't tell him ok?) If I am not around, then we just deal. Men do things differently and it is good. If we all thought and did things the same it would be mundane, boring and in the end, we would miss the magic of trying to figure each other out.
10. Think of others. The day I heard my son say "This load is too small. Does anyone have jeans that need washing?" Was one of those days when a Mom's heart swells with inexplicable emotion. He was not only thinking practically if he had, he would have just thrown other darks in to make the load sufficient in size. Instead, he thought of his family. Sweet!!! In so many ways and on so many levels❤️

Those are a few of life's lessons I have learned from the laundry. What are your life lessons from laundry? I want to hear them!

Love Speaks in a Whisper

Love came softly this morning.

I could sense the Holy Spirit as he wrapped around my son.

I knew He was whispering in my son's ear.

God has been gently wooing him for a while. Slowly the independence and fight have been ebbing away, peace and joy taking its place.  It has been beautiful to witness. This son who has always known truth, defended it even while running from it. He has given up his fight. God did not come in the earthquake. He did not come in the fire. He came as a gentle whisper.

 Like a gentle breeze.

If I had not been looking for Him, I might have missed it.

He whispered this morning.

The Holy Spirit spoke today.

I could sense the conversation between them. 

My son sat beside me, and all of a sudden his knee started bouncing furiously.

Then I sensed the spirit speak to me. 

Pray!!

The Spirit spurred me. 

I could feel the struggle.  

We always have a little fight in us, don't we?

"Do I speak Lord? Do I stay quiet and say nothing?"

Speak!

I looked at my boy. "Dad will be there with you, he can baptize you."

Eyebrows raised in response.

He sat tight.

Pray!

So I prayed.

 Furiously.

A smile on my lips.

"Not really sure which way this is gonna go Lord!!"

Praying for my children has been one of the great joys and struggles of my life.  

I know many parents understand this.

I could feel the love of almighty God, gently wooing him, whispering to him.  

"Do I speak? Do I stay silent? Lord, what is a Mom to do??"

Speak.

"If the Spirit is speaking to you, do not quiet His voice, obey Him son."

And that was it.

 Up he got and off he went.  

If I had not been looking for Him, I might have missed it.

God will not force us. He calls with arms wide inviting us.

He will not make us.

He waits for us to choose.

Baptism is the call to declare Christ is Lord and that you will follow him to the best of your ability.  We practice baptism by immersion. Symbolically dying to self and the old way, rising with Christ into newness of life. 

Jesus modeled it and calls us to do likewise. the early church demonstrates it. It is  a step in growing in our relationship with God.

What a joy to see your child walk in obedience. What a joy to see them lay down their fight and choose God.

If God has His rightful place in their lives, everything else falls into place. This is the biggest desire of our hearts for our kids, now and always. This is what we pray for. 

I am humbled by God's love and grace. I am so grateful!!

Love speaks in a whisper, don't miss it!

Miss the Mark?

Are you competitive?

My son went to archery with his physical education class this week.  He is very interested in it and enjoyed it immensely.

Did he get a bull's eye?

NO.

Did he want to?

YES!!

We want to think we are OK.

We don't like to think there is something "wrong" with us.

We like to think we are good people.

When a child takes a toy from a toddler, their instinct is to hit.

The instinct of that child is to hit back.

As parents, we intervene and teach that hitting is wrong.

We are to be kind, ask if we can trade.

Why?

If we are intrinsically good, why is it then wrong to instinctively want to take something from someone or to hit?

Where did this standard come from?

Thinking we are basically good by nature becomes harder after raising children :)

This has been another tough few weeks in the news. Chemical warfare in Syria, the US firing back, bombings in Egypt and the horrendous ever growing issue of child and human sex trafficking. Canada ranked 3rd in offenders of creating distributing and promoting this despicable industry that treats children, people as commodities.  It makes me nauseous!!

That is all the information that I need to know that there is something 'wrong' with humanity.

Easter is the biggest of the Christian celebrations.

Scripture tells us there is a standard of what is right and good and that we all fall short of that standard. It is not just some of us. ALL of us.  There is no room for self-righteous indignation at the situation of another. My eyes are on me, your eyes are on you and if we are honest with ourselves, we know there is something off and there is nothing we can do about it. 

We shy away from the word sin, but there it is. In my thoughts, motives, and actions.

I do not achieve the standard. 

I know it is wrong to hit and sometimes I still want to!

I miss the mark.

God is just, perfectly just. Sin has a price and in His perfect justness, that price needs to be paid. Being perfect, he comes to our rescue. 

He knows humanities plight. 

He knows we will never be able to pay the price.

So He does.

He rescues us.

 We were helpless to do anything and so He does.

We don't like this either. 

We want to be independent, believe we can do it on our own. 

We can't and so in rebellion, we try to prove we can.

But, He took care of it by sending Jesus. The only perfect one, worthy to pay the price.

It is too easy. 

I think that is why we fight it.

Or maybe we are overwhelmed by our dark nature and think we are still unworthy.

For whatever reason, we fight.

God has his arms wide inviting us to come.

In the Jewish Religion, one High Priest was chosen by lot to go into the Holy of Holies to represent the people of God on Yom Kippur, the day of Atonement, the Sabbath of Sabbaths. The Holy of Holies was guarded by a massive veil.  It kept the presence of God separated from us.  

When Jesus breathed his last, The veil tore.  There is no more separation, he paid the cost, the debt owed by sins for all time paid and we were given free access to God. We no longer need priests to represent us. We can go to Him ourselves. 

He has His arms wide inviting us to come!

To receive forgiveness we need to recognize that sin is an issue for us and Jesus is the answer.

God made a way through Jesus, we are covered by his blood,  our sin washed away. When we receive what Jesus has done on our behalf and recognize Him as our Saviour, we are declared righteous. We are justified. 

Sin previously separated us from God. Jesus took care of that. We get unrestricted access to God. 

All we have to do is accept the gift, our debt paid by another. 

But there is more!!

He conquered sin and death by rising.
There were over 500 eyewitnesses and the accounts were written within their lifetimes.
There are nonreligious historical evidence too if you research.
 If the accounts were false, there would have been plenty of eyewitnesses and documents to correct them.

This is where things really get good.

Now I am a child of God, a new creation.
Because Jesus rose, sin has no nold on me.

I am an heir, the glory of eternity is my inheritance.

Sin no longer has a grip on me and death has no sting.

I have access to God, a personal relationship with Him, not a set of rules to follow and sacrifices to make.
A relationship.
 He wants only my love.

This is why Easter is our biggest celebration.

Are you tired of fighting? Are you ready to receive Him?

There is great freedom here.

He is Risen!!