Givers and Takers

Have you ever heard relationships described as having a "taker" and a "giver"?

Years ago someone older and more experienced in ministry talked in this fashion about marriage.

Am I the only one who gets raised hackles at this? It rubs me wrong. So wrong!! I tried to fairly evaluate the statements. It just seems like trouble.

In trying to sound humble and altruistic, labeling themselves a "giver" seemed to come from a place of veiled pride.

My immediate reaction was "Oh, No! What if I am the taker in my marriage, in my friendships?!?"

This thought horrified me.

I had never used this framework for evaluating all relationships.

What if Craig was quietly keeping tabs and felt he gave more than I did? What if I was running up a deficit?

What would happen if I started taking tally and found I was actually doing more? How would I feel?

I only saw discontent and danger resulting from this approach of looking at relationships.

So much can go wrong when we adopt this view of relationships. As a taker, you could never be satisfied, as a giver, you could get prideful about your selflessness and generosity.

The more I thought about it, the more it unsettled me.

I got my nerve up to talk with Craig about it one day. Honestly, I was so worried that in his gentle way he would let me know I was a taker. I so badly did not want that title!

He immediately told me that if I was a taker, I wouldn't be worried about being a taker. He felt maybe he was the taker. HA!

Let me tell you, he is most definitely not the taker!! Anyone who knows him recognizes his servant heart!

As we talked about it, we concluded that while it might be true in some marriages, it is not a reality in all marriages. We also agreed it is an unhealthy framework with which to approach marriage and friendship. It can be a foothold for resentment, pride, selfishness and discontent.

I started searching the scriptures.

1 John 3:16 By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers.

Galatians 5:13 For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.

Luke 6:31  And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.

Stick with me!!

Romans 12:10  Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.

I love that, "Outdo one another", maybe there is room for just the tiniest comparison in this. I see it more like "I felt so honored by that, how can I show them I honor them in return?"


Romans 13:10 Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfilling of the law.

Philippians 2:2-4 complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Hang on :)

Romans12:3 For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.

What is your impression as you read these scriptures? I see no room for the labels of "giver" and "taker" in these verses.

What I see is that I am to be focused on how I love others. I am to give, serve, honor.

I am to lay myself down for another.

There is no room to tally what I am receiving in return. As I read these verses, I am overcome by the reality of my own selfishness. There is no room for me to evaluate another's. My own is enough to tackle.

I am forced to ask myself, do those around me feel loved? Do they feel patience, kindness and thoughtfulness when in my presence?

Do they feel that I give priority to them rather than myself?

Do I honor them?

Oh, I can barely go on...

I fall so far short in this!

I am a fiercely selfish beast.

There are times when we are broken, times when we need to be loved and have no strength to offer anything in return. If those around me are keeping tally, the weight of what I owe them in return will break me.

As I heal and mature it is right that I give love back. It is a sign that we are growing, thinking of others when love goes both ways.

I urge you to resist looking at your relationships through the lens of "givers and takers", I believe no good can come from this. It will weaken your bonds and it makes room for all kinds of unhealthy patterns and emotions to develop.

Instead, join me in asking "What more can I do to love others well?"

First

Ouch!!

Do you ever come across a truth so plainly spoken that it is like having the wind knocked out of you?

What a generation you turned out to be!
    Didn’t I tell you? Didn’t I warn you?
Have I let you down, Israel?
    Am I nothing but a dead-end street?
Why do my people say, ‘Good riddance!
    From now on we’re on our own’?
Young women don’t forget their jewelry, do they?
    Brides don’t show up without their veils, do they?
But my people forget me.
    Day after day after day they never give me a thought.

Jeremiiah 2:31-32 The Message

Wow.

Day after day after day they never give me a thought.

That is like asking people "Did you forget to check your email today?" Crazy right!?!  No one forgets to check their email!!

Does the irony hit you as hard as it hits me?

An iPhone might get more attention than the King of the Universe!?!  And I thought that people back in the day were pathetic for worshiping rock or wooden images that they cut with their own hands...

I can feel the heat of shame rise as I read this.

Eugene Peterson in Run With The Horses: A Quest For Life At It's Best writes:


"In Jeremiah it is clear that excellence comes from a life of faith, from being more interested in God than in self, and has almost nothing to do with comfort or esteem or achievement."

Excellence comes from a life of faith, from being more interested in God than in self...

Again!! This quote sucker punched me.

I have been reflecting on this and what it means in my life for weeks.

Am I more interested in God than I am in myself?

I have a heavy feeling inside that this is not as much a reality in my life as I want it to be. I feel the heat of shame rise again...

What does the way I spend my time, effort, money and thought life reveal?

What does it mean to be more interested in God than I am in myself? How does my life reflect this?

I want my interest in God before myself  to define me. At the end of my days, this is what I want to be known for. This is it for me. My hearts desire.

I want it so badly it hurts and I am struck with the faithlessness of my own human nature. How easily distracted and self seeking I am.  I may not go days without thinking of God, but does my life reveal that He comes first? First in everything!?

Does God come before my personal comfort?

Am I more concerned about God than I am with achievement?

Alright, so none of us is perfect. There is always room for improvement. We can always work towards this.

So what does it look like to become more and more interested in God than in myself? How does He increasingly become my focus? How do I pursue Him above my own comfort & selfishness?

This will look a little the same and a little different for each of us.

I think looking at how we spend our time, money, and thought life is a good place to begin.

Is God taking up more and more of these things?

1.  When I wake up, my first thoughts will be of God.  I used my bible at my bedside to be a visual reminder to do this.
2. He will get the first fruits of my earnings.
3.  Before I check my messages or phone, I pray, or meditate on a scripture I am memorizing.
4.  When I go to bed at night I will reflect on my day to see where God was at work. I like the guidelines in Rummaging for God.

I love the song "First" by Lauren Daigle. It summarizes this pursuit of God simply and elegantly.

I use it to keep myself on track. I hope it spurs you onward also.

I will seek God first.

Called To Love

Do you ever wake up and think, "I just cannot read the news today!"? Do you ever feel sick and tired of this world? How do you respond?

Those who know me well will tell you I feel things intensely and deeply. So much that it can threaten to immobilize me.

I was talking with someone who could not understand why people would waste time in anger when it was more sensible to move through sadness, loss, love or difficult emotions.

I know why.

For those of us who feel things intensely, anger is actually less scary. It does not feel like it is drowning us. It makes us feel like we have some control when things are overwhelming us. When we feel so deeply that the weight of the emotion is crushing us, anger is easier. It masquerades in a way that doesn't seem so threatening.

Yeah, it is pretend control, at first it appears not as devastating as the emotion we are fleeing from.

I feel the threatening crush of sorrow for this broken world right now. There is so much that is vile, broken and just simply wrong. Ugly, so ugly!

My Spiritual Director once told me that the depth of emotion I feel is a gift, a window to the heart of God. A unique ability to feel what He feels for a lost world that He loves so much. She said those intense emotions were meant to be a catalyst, a drive He longs to use in my life to pray for His kingdom to be built on earth.

I remember thinking she was crazy. Seriously!?! This overwhelming emotion threatens, regularly, to destroy me. I cannot bear it.

She reminded me I was not meant to bear it. When that happens, my eyes have fallen off the face of my Wondrous Creator and onto the chaos of people. I have let hopelessness make it's home in my heart, a heart that was created to be the dwelling of hope.

I am currently reading Eugene Peterson's Run With The Horses: A Quest For Life At It's Best. It is a close look at the life of Jeremiah. The Weeping Prophet. It has been very profound for me.
I highly recommend this book. I think I have highlighted half of what I have read. It is a challenging, thought provoking book. Powerful!

A few weeks back I came across these passages. They stuck. I have been mulling and pondering.
The first quote is one I am unfortunately guilty of.

"We underestimate God and we overestimate evil. We don’t see what God is doing and conclude that he is doing nothing. We see everything that evil is doing and think it is in control of everyone."

When my sorrow threatens to break me, it is because I have lost sight of God and what he is doing.

"What is God doing? He is saving; he is rescuing; he is blessing; he is providing; he is judging; he is healing; he is enlightening. There is a spiritual war in progress, an all-out moral battle. There is evil and cruelty, unhappiness and illness. There is superstition and ignorance, brutality and pain. God is in continuous and energetic battle against all of it. God is for life and against death. God is for love and against hate. God is for hope and against despair. God is for heaven and against hell. There is no neutral ground in the universe. Every square foot of space is contested."

I have a choice. Do I join Him? Or do I give into despair and in essence set myself against Him? Remember, there is no neutral ground. I am either on God's side or not.

Putting this back into perspective helps kick me into action.

I want to fix the world. The problem is so much bigger than me. God has not called me to that. He has called me to love.  Where I am, who is in my life. That is my act of rebellion against the hate and evil that threatens to take over this world. That is how I fight alongside my King.

I am called to pour His love out.

I have to feel in order to do this. I have to set aside anger and feel the depths of grief, sorrow and love to to do this. Anger will not let me do what I am called to do. I cannot be afraid to feel.

My small act of love may be folding my kids laundry. Helping them get their lunch ready when they are tired and overwhelmed by all they have to do. It may be washing the dishes or holding my tongue. Loving is treating those around me with the love and consideration That I would like.

Putting love into the world means listening to the struggles my client is going through and praying for them.

To pour out love out means I choose to pray for those causing devastation around the globe, that they may find truth and turn from hate.

It may seem small. Inconsequential. It may feel like the impact is minimal. But is a piece in a larger story. I may want to be like the guy who figured how to make awesome Lego houses for the poor. He is solving a waste problem and addressing the need for housing! How incredible is that!?! I love it!!!!! That is his job, I have mine.  If I try to do that, who will do what I have been called to?  Who will love who I have been called to love? Who will pray what I have been called to pray?

I was not called to some great stage to change the world. I will be a cheerleader for those called to do big things. I will celebrate their answers to the challenges of this world.

I will not compare myself to them. I will do what is asked of me.

I am called to love, here, where I am.

Help I'm a Mom: Haven't I Been Saying That!?!

Has your jaw ever hit the floor in the midst of watching one of your children receive and act on advice from another person? I have experienced this phenomenon, numbed with shock, while screaming in my head "Haven't I been saying that!?!"

It is one of those wonderful truths about parenting. I personally believe it is where the age old adage "It takes a village" comes from. Really!


As parents, we know our kids well. Often we know what is wrong before our kids do. We know what needs to happen. We know darn it!!

The problem is, we often are not the ones who can tell them.  Yeah, I know it's frustrating, but there it is!

It is not that our kids don't listen to us. They do. In lots of areas they ask, listen and apply. There are just some critical areas of life that they need input from others. In reality I do not resent this, even though I sound like I do. If I take an honest look at myself, there are things I need to hear from other people too.

The reason I am thinking about it is that it just recently happened again. As I reflect on the situation, I see a change in my approach to it. I am learning and growing! This is very, very exciting!!!

A few months ago I could see one of our kids start struggling. I knew it was because they were wrestling to figure out where God time fit in. Their soul was drying up as they went without filling up at the well of Living Water. It actually physically hurt to witness.

I started to pray.

Every so often they would process out loud and ask my advice. I tried to carefully ask questions, had they considered this or that. No action steps were taken.

I kept praying.

As their soul began to wither, I asked if there was a possibility of connecting with their Mentor. Time went by, they hadn't yet.

I kept praying.

Finally, this child reached the end of themselves. With resignation, they connected with their Mentor and received the words they were not able to receive previously. Whew!

Wait a minute, hadn't I been saying that!?!

Just kidding! As long as they hear it from someone eventually, I am happy!

Sometimes the timing is off. I have learned to pray first. They may not be in a place where their soul is ready to receive the truth. God isn't in a hurry. If I push through and speak to something before the Holy Spirit has had time to prep the ground of my child's heart, I may actually cause them to become hardened, less ready to receive the truth they need to hear. This is the complete opposite of what I want!

Just because they have asked my advice does not mean they are ready for it. I have learned rather than to tell them what I see, it is better to ask questions and help guide them to uncover it. What they know in their mind, they may not know in their heart yet. It takes a while for both to come together.  I cannot get frustrated when they don't act. It doesn't mean nothing is happening, their heart or will is catching up with their mind. Patience and grace in this window is hard but necessary.

We have always known that the more loving adults our kids have in their lives the better.  We prayed fervently for this. Our kids are safer the more people they know who can guide them in wisdom, know them, speak into their lives and love them. It takes a village, it became an adage for a reason. I cannot be jealous of their voice into our kids life. I am thankful for it, rely on it and treasure it. They are helping us raise our children to succeed.

My privileged position in my kids lives is to see what their next challenge is and start to pray. I pray that God will move ahead of them, soften their hearts, make them ready. My job is to fight on my knees, cover them in prayer and invite God into the challenge before they even know they need to.

My knowledge of my child gives me an advantage, I know where their hang ups are, where they will be tempted to fight rather than submit. I know where they are vulnerable and where their wounds are.  I know them. I use this intimate knowledge to plead with God for mercy, direction and discernment. I have unique insight into how to pray for them because I know them. This is an awesome advantage.

 I have learned that I am not always the one to speak to their situation. I ask God when I should speak and when I should be silent. This is hard. The better you know me, the more you appreciate how hard this is where my kids are concerned. You've read my posts!!!

It's alright if in my brain I am screaming "Haven't I been saying that!?!" if they grasp truth in the end. I am realizing that my job is mostly to pray for God to be moving ahead of them.

Who Am I?

Who am I?

When someone asks "who are you?" how do you define yourself?

Reflecting on what I have learned through the last few years of surgeries and health challenges, a few things have been brought to the surface.

We previously lived a very active life. I would take the kids out, swimming, sledding, biking after school, Craig would come home have dinner and we would head out again.

When my health changed, that rhythm of life changed.

I worked. I was very appreciative when my neighbor approached me one day and said. "You work hard, clients are coming and going, you are a very hard worker!" I value being known as a hard worker.

That rhythm changes when health is compromised.

I had not realized how much I took my strength and physical ability for granted. All of a sudden being approached in a parking lot by an unknown individual who wanted money from me was a threatening situation. I felt vulnerable, unable to defend myself.

Prepping meals, cleaning the house, caring for my family and partnering with my husband all had to be redefined.

Ministering, meeting with people, leading, were all impacted by my health.

Missing some of my kids' sports games and tournaments for the first time was hard. All of it changed.

Having a scar running half the length of my torso, seeing my muscle tone decrease, being on meds that have impacted my metabolism and weight. All of these things attack the level of comfort I feel in my own skin and threaten my self-worth.

If my work, family life, ministry and self-image are taken from me, what is left?

If I define myself by those roles, activities, abilities, and factors, what happens when these things are stripped away?

What happens when my world falls apart. When everything meaningful, important and enjoyable is taken?

Who am I when all of that is gone?

If my worth is found in these areas, I am in deep trouble when they are taken from me.

How I define who I am, predicts how I respond to the challenges life throws at me.

If my self-worth is defined by my work, I am thrown into a desperate tailspin when that is taken from me.

If I define myself by my looks, growing old is seen as a curse instead of a privilege and I am likely to miserable, discontent and full of self-loathing when life impacts my physical body.

Anything this world offers as a means to define me is unreliable and false. It can be taken from me. It will not endure the test of time. Nothing this world offers lasts.

When our kids were little Craig asked them daily, "Who are you?"

Inevitably they would say their name, that they were our child, or something like a gymnasts or soccer player.

Soon he had them answering "God's child".

"Who are you?!" He would call as they left for school, sport or just for fun as they sat down for dinner.

" A child of God!" they would say.

As soon as it became routine, he asked less frequently. Weekly, every other week, when they were having a rough day, he would ask them "who are you?".

Now, Craig asks our children this question when it is clear they are losing sight of who they really are. When something becomes a threat to their true identity, he uses it to gently remind them of the truth.

The beauty of basing our identity in Christ is that nothing changes it. I can get old, break my body, lose my job, and nothing changes my identity. My worth and the truth are firm, unchanging when my identity is based in God.

I can fall to a temptation that regularly sabotages me and still my identity is secure.

It is an identity that is unshakeable. As I learn to base my worth in God, I become less important. The more that the truth of who I am has its' foundation in Christ, the less important what I can do or what I think I have to offer becomes. God is the focus.

All that matters is that I am His.

Through the sacrifice Christ made for me, the forgiveness I receive from Him and the recognition that he is my Lord,  I become His adopted child. All the work was done by Him. I just have to receive it. Simple.

At the end of it all, the answer to this question is the most important.

Who am I?