The Problems With Perfection

I have come to view perfectionism as an illness. It is a symptom of a strength taken to it's extreme. At that extreme, it turns on you and becomes a weakness. My perfectionism reared it's ugly head when I got married and grew to monstrous proportions as I entered College and University.  It produced the results I wanted and so through those years, I embraced it. I began to see it for what it was in my first couple of years of being a new Mom. At that point, I took it on as an area I wanted to change. I worked at it with all my might. 

This is why:

1. I was hard on myself. I knew it. I didn't recognize how damaging it could be until I had little eyes watching me. All of a sudden I saw my behavior from another perspective. I didn't want my little ones to learn it from me. I did not want my kids to learn to be too hard on themselves. I thought they were already wonderful, I didn't want them to see themselves any other way. That was not the example I wanted to set for them. It was then that I realized my perfectionism did not honor God, it satisfied my ego.

2. Perfectionism is undefinable and therefore unattainable. I realized that it could change depending on what was important to me, what I was feeling and what I thought were expectations of me. Perfection isn't based in reality and therefore it is not achievable. I don't want my kids spending all that energy trying to reach a goal that cannot be reached.

3. I wanted my kids and husband to know they are enough. If I am unreasonably hard on myself, my family may think they need to live up to those ridiculous standards too. Though I don't say it, my behavior will communicate it and they will feel that pressure. I don't want that need to work for my approval to be something they feel they need to strive for, they already have my full approval!!

4. Perfectionism takes time away from the important stuff. It is possible to spend too much time on a task in the pursuit of achieving perfection. I love having a tidy, clean, well kept home. You know, one that doesn't look like anyone lives there. I learned that spending time making memories with my family was way more important than cleaning my house. I allot a certain amount of time to cleanliness,the rest is for my family, then ministry and work. They need to know they are more important to me than my "stuff" and other things.

5. My best effort is all I can do. I need to show my kids by example that if that is all you can do, it is enough. That means not fixing their asymmetrical art project or leaving some clutter about sometimes. If it means some of the nice "Martha Stewart" touches don't happen when we entertain, it is alright! . My effort is the measure of success not the outcome. That is why we downplay grades and rave about report card comments and effort in our home. That is where the really meaningful stuff is!!

6. I want my kids to know mistakes are alright. Mistakes are not the end of the world. Mistakes are actually very helpful. They teach us so much. I always breath a sigh of relief when our kids can share a disappointment or mistake with us. It means they know their value doesn't come from what they do. It also gives us a chance to walk with them, comfort them and help them learn what they can from it. Mistakes are part of being human, they are inevitable and my kids need to learn how to make them and recover from them. That is why we focus more on effort than outcome. Grades do not mean as much as work effort comments.

7. Perfectionism makes the soul agitated. Going crazy over little stuff causes confusion about what is really important. I have my crazy moments still. Sometimes living with things not up to my perfectionist standard gets to me, I admit it. But if I was to live that way every day, it would communicate the wrong values to my kids. Safety, morality, character, those are things worth the energy, and, depending on the circumstance, worth the crazy. Pillows out of order on the couch or paper work lying around? Not worth getting crazy about.  When I do get frustrated about those things it means I need to pull back and get myself grounded again.

8. Perfectionism can be a waste of time and effort. If an assignment is worth 5%, give it the appropriate amount of time and effort. We all have an internal gauge of what is appropriate. Using up too much time on something that doesn't require that much effort steals away from other, often more important things. In the end, the stress and impact are not worth it. I am accountable for my time, I want to use it well.

9. There is always an unconscious evaluation happening, either comparing effort to someone else or something that was previously achieved. Comparison does not allow for the acceptance or acknowledgement of success and effort. If my child gives their best effort and gets a C, I am more proud than if they get an A+ with little to no effort. Hard work is more important than perfection.

10. Perfectionism leads to misery. It it is not achievable and therefore leaves people feeling judged, incompetent, inadequate and pressured to always do more and be better. It leads to endless striving because it attacks our self worth. Perfection is never satisfied, never content.

When our children were little, Craig and I both made a conscious effort to lay down the idol of perfection. We saw tendencies in each of our children and quickly realized the damage, cost and weakening of relationships it causes. We are not completely over it, but we are all making good headway. It was a worthy effort. Our children know the trap of perfectionism. While they are not fond of mistakes and still try to avoid them, they are beginning to see mistakes do not cause the world to crash and explode. They know our love for them is for who they are and not what they do. Who they are is more than enough.  Those are just a few reasons for why we chose to replace perfectionism with giving our best.