I was asked to share at a baby shower a while back. A wonderful couple had been blessed with a beautiful baby girl. She is precious!! As all babies are. Here is what I intended to share, a terrible cold kept me from delivering it in its' entirety. I am also sure my delivery lacked gusto as I was really very ill! C'est la vie! Here was what I meant to say!
No one can prepare us for motherhood. No one can adequately express with words how our hearts will flood to bursting with love for this small helpless babe. There are no words for the intensity of the protective instinct that is awakened in us, or for how quickly it can transform us into a Mother Bear when our little one is threatened. No one can prepare us for the new definitions of gross, cute, exhaustion, or delight. We can never be fully prepared. We just can't.
It is simultaneously difficult and wondrous. It is so beyond our abilities in ways that we wonder who on earth thought is was a good idea to trust us with a little soul's survival. Yet we would never miss this ride. Not for anything. Well, in our weaker moments the promise of an uninterrupted nights sleep might tempt us ;) However, given a moment to see past our desperate fatigue, we would never go back!
As I thought about what might be meaningful as you take on the this new role of parenting, I thought back to what I have found to be some of the biggest lessons of motherhood.
I cut it down by half so as not to overwhelm you!
Loving God with your heart soul and mind is the best preparation for parenthood there is. Loving God and spending time with him transforms us. We increase in love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness and self-control. All the virtues that we see in those we consider to be amazing moms!!! If these are the qualities we want to define us as mothers, we need to cling to the one whose love transforms us. To be the best Mom you can be, make God your priority daily. One resource I found particularly helpful was a book I studied in Bible school called Practicing the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence. It is an amazing book, teaching on how to make the most of repetitive household tasks meaningful opportunities to spend time with God. It transforms mundane tasks like washing the floor, or folding laundry into meaningful times, where you can fully experience God's presence. Doing this can actually make these chores something that feed your soul. You will find yourself looking forward to these tasks. You may be tempted to try to make excuses to not not. Our lives as Moms are busy. Please don’t let this happen. As God transforms you and your kids see the beauty of this. God becomes more attractive to them. They will be drawn to Him. If they have God as their priority, everything else in their lives is going to fall into place.This is the first and most important foundation of your life and marriage and home.
Your husband comes before your kids, always. Often it is the small things that communicate this. Giving him a hug and kiss before he leaves for work. Making a point to greet him at the door when he comes home from work. Expressing your appreciation for the things he does. One of the most important ways of doing this is to make sure you are loving him in his love language. I think most of us are familiar with them. The five love languages are encouraging words, acts of service, quality time, physical touch or receiving gifts. Commit to some small regular gestures that let him know he has not lost his place in your heart. Having his favourite snack ready for him, though if it is something really terrible for his health, maybe give that to him once a month, your goal is to spend a lifetime together ;) one of the greatest gifts you can give your child is being the greatest couple you can be. Children become insecure and angry when they sense that they come before your marriage. It is so very important to put one another first. When children are confident of their parents commitment and passion for one another they can rest in that stability and thrive. It needs to be another foundation of your home. You may need to get creative. The rhythm of life can slip into mere survival very quickly. It takes creativity and commitment to maintain one another as a priority. After the little ones go to bed, have a quiet evening with some atmosphere and special food. Take some time to play a game together or spend some time dreaming together about what is next for you. Try to take some weekends away if you can budget for them. Try not to get stuck in a rut of dinner and a movie, google is a good resource to keep you from predictable patterns. Ballroom dance was a favourite for us!
Friends are essential! Find your soul sisters. Pray for some friends you trust and who you can be completely honest with. In confessing your failings to each other and praying for each other God is true to his word and there is healing. As you live life together, their perspective will bring clarity. They will help you see what God sees in you and be his agents of grace. They will encourage you when you want to give up, remind you of your strengths and keep you accountable. Through sharing, laughter and praying together, God will use them as his tangible expression of love, healing and strength. The journey of motherhood will entwine your hearts together in deep and lasting ways. They are God's gift of love and mercy for the journey and what a gift they are! Life without them will become unimaginable!!
Flexibility is a virtue. Some days are just off days. Maybe your night was interrupted more than usual, or the baby is cranky and you don't know why. Maybe your simplest plans just are not coming together. You know, those days where instead of accomplishing your list of errands, basic survival rises up as the main goal of the day. If you are like me, it can be difficult to dismiss your goals and go with the flow. I don't segway well. Sometimes the hope of accomplishing something is just too hard to let go of. I must say, in my experience, it was rarely worth it. Learning to assess reality and adjust to it is one of the most valuable things I have learned. Do what you have to do to survive those days and let the guilt and disappointment go. Arrange to make your plans happen another time, release the expectation of what you hoped the day would be and embrace the joys it will bring.
The way to overcome your inadequacies as a parent is to focus on the love of Christ and the grace he offers you. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. However, it is a nice ideal. My daughter was about 9 and she was furious with a parenting decision I made. She sat at the table stewing and muttered under her breath "I am going to be the perfect Mom." It was a hard hit right to my heart. I took a deep breath and then sat beside her and let her know I knew how she felt. I remember thinking that very same thing. In fact it was fully my plan to be just that. I was going to be the perfect Mom. Too bad my humanity got in the way. I assured her I would have been the perfect parent if I could have be. I was sorry I couldn't be perfect. I apologized for the ways I had failed her. There are no words that sufficiently communicate the depth of my love for her, but I tried. I also told her that God is a perfect parent. That is one of his unique abilities and gifts to us. In his love and wisdom he sets boundaries and disciplines his children. That bible tells us that is how he treats his legitimate children. Sometimes it is what is best for children even if they don't like it. She agreed and was quick to forgive and acknowledge the truth of it. I know I am not the only one who set out to be the perfect parent. I know as women we all want to be the perfect Mom. We don't want to hurt our kids with a harsh word. We do not want to be impatient with them. This is one of the hardest realities of parenting. It does not help you to punish yourself for being human. God will redeem your failings and bring beauty. By focusing on the grace you receive from Christ and his forgiveness for your failings, love for him grows and his love helps you overcome your weaknesses.
These are a few of the things the journey has taught me. I pray some of this has been helpful.
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