Forgiveness Part 3: How do we live this out?

Forgiveness is hard to extend. It is also hard to confess. This process costs us. It takes humility and grace. It means we risk being hurt again. Yet, these are the basic actions required to live in healthy relationships together. We are commanded in Luke 17:3-4 to forgive one another as God forgave us.  In the previous two post we have explored a couple of Biblical models for what God requires for forgiveness.

An overview:

Confession (1 John 1:9). Offering forgiveness without confession occurring does not follow the biblical model. God requires that we confess our sin to him in order to forgive our sin. To forgive others as God forgives us therefore, requires confession.

Confession defines what we are repenting from and provides a framework for what restitution is appropriate. Without confession, how do you move to repentance? What are you repenting from? Without confession, how do you make restitution? What are you making restitution for? Confessing is naming our wrong doing with Gods language. I lied, I cheated, I used my anger wrongly, I was selfish. It is important to name it what God calls it, identifying what we have done.

Repentance is turning from our previous action and developing a new pattern. It is recognizing we have not done right by another and that we will seek to do right by them in the future. This is essential because it is our only hope for real change and transformation (Matthew 18:3; Acts 26:20). If we don’t admit our sin, it’s impossible to be renewed. If we do not acknowledge our sin what are we being renewed or transformed from?. If we do not acknowledge our wrong, we do not recognize the need to change. Repentance demonstrates that we need God to help us change our thinking, attitudes, and behavior. It communicates to the one we have wronged that we understand the nature of our sin, it's impact on them and that we will try our best with the help of the Holy Spirit to live a different way. Saying "I am sorry" is saying I will change.

Where Restitution is possible, we are to make it. Zacchaeus was the model we looked at in scripture last week. Sometimes the one who is owed restitution can wave that right (Matthew 18:25-27).  This is an act of grace and is a choice only the person who has been wronged can make.  We could not pay the price for our sin and so God had it fulfilled another way, through Jesus. He did not demand a price from us that we could not pay (Luke 7:41-42). This is forgiving the way God has forgiven us.

Forgiveness and Reconciliation. Forgiveness is holding no record of the wrong. Once I forgive, I no longer raise this as an example to make the person who wronged me feel guilty or ashamed. God puts my sin as far as the East is from the West. This is the example he has given. Then we work together to rebuild the relationship. This is what reconciliation is. Restoration. It is often better that what it was when both parties give their best effort and are committed to the process.

As a family we have tried to develop the language and pattern of forgiveness based on God's mode. if one of our children wronged another we walked through these steps.

"I am sorry I broke your toy, I know I hurt you. I will be more careful next time and treat your toys the way I would treat mine."

"I forgive you." (It doesn't always happen right away, sometimes the tone is wrong, baby steps!

Then they would have to go replace that item. If it was no longer available a suitable mutually agreed upon replacement would be purchased. sometimes our kids would wow us and not demand the replacement be made.

This is simple in theory but now one child does not trust the other with their things. Walking through a process of earning that trust back and learning to trust again will take time, patience and grace until true reconciliation can be achieved. i cannot make the choice for another to enter into that process. It takes two equally committed people to walk that road. I want someone to take that risk on me, therefore, I have to be willing to take a risk on them. I do this knowing in my own life just because I commit to change does not mean that it will happen right away. I still do what I do not want to do and realistically I have to have grace as those who have hurt me turn from their ways and learn new patterns.

As parents we have had to apologize to our children and demonstrate the steps of this process. It is very humbling to apologize to a child but there is no more beautiful thing than to hear them say "I forgive you Mom."

This all looks good on paper. We are not perfect, we do not always get this right. Different personalities have a hard time saying sorry, others struggle with wanting to resentfully hang on and keep a record of wrongs. sometimes one person struggles with both those things!!

This is a process that takes dogged persistence and we have to lead by example. We want to raise up adults who are humble enough to admit their wrong and gracious enough to forgive. I want to be someone who is humble and gracious. To reach our goal, Craig and I need to live this out in front of our kids, in our marriage, in our friendships and in our relationships with our children. this is the only way for them to grab it and internalize it.

Healthy boundaries and communication are essential for the journey towards true reconciliation and there are some great resources for this.

Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend have adapted this book for children, marriage, and leaders. These are essential skills for growing in these areas. Dr. Cloud has a facebook page and regularly publishes great articles looking into these tools and realities.

What happens when we refuse to follow the example God has laid out for us? What happens when there is habitual sin and no repentance? What if only one person works at reconciliation? How does this look when a step of the process is skipped?

What happens when we refuse to acknowledge the way God forgives and how to live that out in our relationships? We will look into that next week.

Forgiveness : Part 2

Craig and I spent some time really searching through scripture regarding forgiveness after we had experienced some deep hurt. Deep hurt doesn't cut it, we felt almost destroyed. People would boldly tell us how to behave or what to do without even understanding the situation.  This actually caused more harm than good.

I have been reading through Job and it just hurts when I read it. We experienced  Jobs 'friends' when they spoke into a situation assuming truth was what was needed when in reality we needed someone to share grief, listen, give a safe place to vent the pain and suffering, show some compassion and understanding.

Thankfully our community also provided us with good people who listened over months of hurt and processing who loved us as we healed.

It started us on a journey of looking into what God set out as the forgiveness process. Last week we took a look at how God modeled forgiveness with Adam and Eve. Today we will look at how God reset forgiveness with Jesus and how that impacts our lives when we follow the Biblical model.

There are scriptures throughout the new testament supporting these steps.

New Testament: Jesus brings in The New Covenant
For salvation it is required that we go through these steps, consistent with the requirements in the Old Testament.

Recognition of sin and Confession:
We have lived independently from God
Romans 1:20-21
For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made, so that they are without excuse. For even though they knew God, they did not honor Him as God or give thanks, but they became futile in their speculations, and their foolish heart was darkened.
(Luke 13:3,John 3:16, 2 Peter 3:9)

Repent:
Accept his Lordship
Romans 10:9-10
...if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved; for with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation.
(Acts 16: 31, Acts 20:21

Restitution:
Jesus paid this price for us
Hebrews 9:22
...and without shedding of blood there is no forgiveness. (NASB)
Romans 5:8
But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. 

This is the end of the sacrificial system. Over and over in the new Testament we are told that Christ died once for all sin.  This price has been paid in full, never to be paid again. This is the reset that Christ began.
(Romans 6:10, Hebrews 10:10, 1 Peter 3:18)

Forgiveness:
1 John 1:9
If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.  (NASB)
(Psalm 32:1-6, Proverbs 28:13)

Reconciliation:
When we do this we are given the relationship of sons and daughters.
(John1:12, 2 Corinthians 6:18, Romans 8:16, 1John 3:1)
We are invited to know, pray and relate to God.
Hebrew 4:16
For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. 

The pattern is the same as what we saw last week when God related to Adam and Eve.

The difference here is that Christ paid for us. He made restitution to appease the price sin demands.

How do we live this out? we will take a look next week.

Forgiveness Part 1

Have you ever had to forgive someone?  Have you ever been in a position where you were wronged, hurt or so blatantly sinned against and been told by others to forgive?

There is a lot of misunderstanding around the topic of forgiveness.  As believers, we often pile together the things we have heard and sometimes forget to go back to Truth to get a proper understanding. Even significant things like forgiveness.

Scripture is meant to be used as a whole. We are never to take one verse, or one idea and build a theology around it, yet this happens all the time. It is a dangerous use of the word of God and we need to guard against it. Instead, we study the entire scripture to get a thorough understanding.

I fear we have an incomplete, incorrect understanding of forgiveness. 

Mark 6:5 says "But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."  So we work hard to forgive no matter what and yet something doesn't sit right in our souls. 

When you have been grievously sinned against, something inside of you cries "NO!" 

To forgive when there has been no recognition of wrong, no restitution or reconciliation diminishes the wrong you have experienced. It makes little of sin, and God never does that.

In Luke 17:3-4 we are called to forgive as God forgave us.  So we now have these two verses about forgiveness. What do we do?? This last one is echoed in Colossians 3:13 and Ephesians 4:32.

How did God forgive us?

Sin separates us from God. We don't like that, it feels offensive. Yet we are comfortable with the concept of sin when someone has wronged us. Human nature, don't you love it??

Over and over we see God patiently explaining what wrongs have been committed against him. He gently spells out for his people the way back. Stubborn as they are, they rarely take it.

Before we can forgive others as God forgave us, we need to understand how God forgives. The whole Bible is full of examples of how God has dealt with people when sin has come between.  I cannot form my Theology of Forgiveness from just the New Testament or the verses I find most significant. I need to search the whole Scripture.

Right away in Genesis, we are given our first example:

Old Testament: Under The Law, before Jesus

Adam and Eve

The relationship is broken by sin.

Eve had been tricked by the serpent to eat from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil and gave some to the Adam who was with her. That expectation was articulated clearly in Gen. 2:16-17

Genesis 3:8

Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden.

Recognition of Sin and Confession:

Genesis 3:11-13

And he (God) said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?”

The man said, “The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.”

Then the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?”

The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”

So here we are. They had freely walked and talked with God and now they hide from Him. The relationship is broken.

Because this is the first act of sin, God does the work to show them what is required

Repentance and Forgiveness:

Hebrews 9:22 tells us that the shedding of blood is required for the remission of sin. This is supported by the Bible in the Offerings and Sacrifices required from the Jewish people and it is echoed in Psalms 51:7.

That blood has to be shed for forgiveness to happen tells us how seriously God takes sin.

Genesis 3:21

The Lord God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife, and clothed them. (NASV)

In making garments of skin, the first blood was shed as a requirement for covering sin. The fact that God does this is a foreshadowing of his plan to send Jesus. The debt was Adam and Eve's and God took care of it. The debt is ours and yet God took care of it by having Jesus pay it. 

Restitution:

Revealed in the next chapter. God has instituted Offerings as restitution. Adam and Eve’s sons Cain and Abel live under The Law which now required offerings. Living in obedience rather than in disobedience is contrasted in their offerings and responses (Genesis 4).

Genesis 3:23

The Lord God sent him out from the garden of Eden, to cultivate the ground from which he was taken.

No longer did they enjoy the produce provided, they are now required to work the ground, bear children in pain.

Forgiveness & Reconciliation:

Genesis 3-4

We see Adam and Eve are driven from the garden, they no longer walk and talk freely with God. His presence withdrawn by the sin that has now entered. Relationship is maintained through the introduction of Offerings.

In chapter four Cain and Able demonstrate the difference between repentance and rebellion.

Forgiveness does not mean there is no consequence, they are driven from the Garden of Eden. Reconciliation does not mean there are now no boundaries. God no longer walks and talks with them face to face. God takes sin seriously. There is a change in the nature of their relationship.

Sin is what separates us from God and what hurts and separates us from one another.

The steps God requires for us are

1. Recognition of Sin and Confession
2. Repentance- turning from sin
3. Restitution when it can be made
4. Forgiveness
5. Reconciliation

The goal is alway to recover the relationship through reconciliation.

This is one of many of the Old Testament examples. There are many throughout in which you can see this pattern.

As we study this it becomes clear why, maybe, it is not so easy as just forgive and forget. Move on! Because the seriousness of sin requires more than that. Forgiveness isn't cheep.

Part 2 Next week

What Can I Do?

I heard a gentleman talking about visiting a developing country. He had met people who had barely enough to eat that day and lived in an 8'x10'house. That is as big as my bedroom. They were happy. Like deep, real, cannot lose it joy.

It made me think about how many people I know who have so much. More than they can eat, more than they can wear, more than they need and yet they aren't happy. In fact, they are deeply, deeply unhappy. It makes no sense.

The people in the 8x10 home knew Jesus, had a personal relationship with him. They knew what it was to have no hope and then experience redemption. They had found true happiness and desired to share that with others.

It is interesting that the people I know that have more than they need also know Jesus.  Why do they not have the same joy?

What are we doing wrong?

I read an article the other day that stated: "Christians who do not use their gifts are bored."  Sorry, I have tried to find it again and can't. It was a great article! I totally agree with its premise. I would maybe push it further and say if followers of Jesus are not, using their gifts, developing those gifts and exploring the potential of those gifts they are bored.

God does not intend for his people to be bored...

Maybe the comfort we live in robs us from what it really means to live. Maybe being self-sufficient and not lacking anything can take the adventure out of life.

What part of our life do we desperately need God for?  What can we not do with out him? Really.  If we are not completely dependant on God in something or in some area, there is no stretching, no adventure, no risk. We just get comfortable, lazy and in my experience, miserable.

Have you read through the accounts of the early church lately?  When I do, I cannot help but think we are doing something wrong.

As I read about the early church I am challenged to reflect on my priorities. I am forced to ask what the use of my time and money indicate about my priorities. How are those priorities different from what I am called to as a follower? What is distracting me from my true purpose?

If I am bored, I am doing something wrong.

Really wrong!

I find the biggest danger of our culture is distraction. There is so much to keep us from what really matters. We are lulled into complacency by so many distractions.

Technology, hobbies, sport, information, entertainment, all of these are not inherently bad, but they can use up too much of our time. They can derail us from what we should really be doing. It is a sly tactic of the enemy.  Unfortunately we are easy prey. These distractions can make us complacent about the priorities that should really be driving us. They make it all about us instead of about God, our spiritual family and those around us. Do you know why we are unhappy? Because life isn't meant to be all about me.

How do I put these things back into their proper place?

1. Look at what my time and money tell me are my real priorities.
2. Confess to God the things that have snuck in where they do not belong
3. Ask Him to renew me
4. Explore through listening prayer what God wants from me
5. Share it with someone who will check in with me for accountability
6. Do it.

If we really want to live, something has to change.
Do you really want to change?
What can you do?

Do You Have A Happy Place?

Do you have a happy place? A place you can't wait to get to? A place you can go to get away from the world?

When I was a little girl, my parents bought a lake lot. I was devastated. I thought we would never take a holiday again. I loved camping and holidaying as a family. I was sure if my parents bought this lake lot, all our money would be gone forever and we would never get away again. 

I was 9.

Cloudy or sunny, if it was 20 degrees we were there. Friends, water, fun. 

It was hard for me as a student to miss that family time out there when I started working. As a young Mom,  it was a refuge, a place my kids could play and be happy.  A boat makes an excellent safe space for little explorers. I could jump in there, visit with the adults on the dock and not have to run everywhere to save my toddlers from impending doom. It is where my parents patiently taught me to ski. Where we had the pleasure of watching our kids learn to wakeboard and ski. 

It has given us countless hours of fun with friends and family.  

Turns out that place I never wanted them to purchase has become my happy place. I am so thankful that they bought it, kept it, invested in it and have been crazy generous to us with it. I wait all winter for the days we can go relax and be there together.

It is my place to get away from work and our house. The dust doesn't demand to be dusted, the laundry doesn't niggle me to be laundered. The books don’t beg to be…booked???

It is where I love to be if I need to work things out. The splash of the waves, the rustle of the wind help to quiet me to get to the root of my unrest. 

I have mentioned that when I am hurt, my emotion of choice is anger. It is a red flag to me that all is not right in my world. It makes me step back and unpack everything to get to the route of my unrest.  The lake helps me get there faster. It takes me out of my space so I can't be distracted. It clears the clutter.

It is hard for me to face my hurt. I feel overwhelmed by it. Somehow in that peaceful place God can help me face it.  

In reality, God is my safe place. He gives me the courage to face my pain and not be overwhelmed by it. The lake just gives me space to hear his soft whisper. It sweeps away the noise so God can lead me through it. 

Do I Have a Favorite?

Do you think your parents play favorites?  Do you think you are the favorite?  

Does your sibling or siblings think they are too?

We were talking with a group of young adults and they were convinced their parents had favorites. they were so bold as to assert that Craig and I had favorites among our children.

As much as we tried to convince them otherwise, that was their perspective. 

I was a little put off at being told I have a favorite amongst my kids. 

I love them all so much that it makes my heart almost burst. yet how I love them is different.

I really, really hope they all think they are my favorite!

Once you become a parent, I think this changes. I have been struggling to find the words to express my love for my kids.  My love is equal yet different for each of them. I maintain that I do not have a favorite.

I am disturbed by the idea of favorites because each family in the Old Testament who chose a favorite child was ripped apart by that behavior. I want nothing to do with it. It is unhealthy in every way. I actually consider it a generational sin, Isaac and Rebecca each had a favorite and that caused family division, their son Jacob favoring Joseph caused division. These people are included to let us know to follow God we do not have to be perfect, but shame on us if we do not learn from their mistakes!

Even so, I still lacked the words to describe the intensity yet varied nature of my love for my children.

I meet with a group of beautiful young women (inside and out!). We started a devotional called Without Rival, found in the Bible study plans in the YouVersion Bible App.  It is based off a book called Without Rival by Lisa Brevere. It is fantastic and addresses our identity in God specifically as women. Yet the truths apply to men also.

In this study, Lisa proposes that God loves us uniquely and my soul cried out “YES!!!”

We are created unique, there is no one like us. We are unique in our appearance, temperament and in how we are designed to worship and honor God.

To honor our uniqueness, God loves us uniquely.

AHA! This is exactly what I was trying to express to my young friends. I may not be as good at this as God, but this is what I try my best to do as a Mom. 

My children are completely different from one another. One is an extreme extrovert, one is an extreme introvert and one is an extroverted introvert. One spends their spare time reading, another playing music, the other expressing their creativity in artistic model design. While each possesses these next qualities, each of them shines more in a specific area. One has an incredible imagination, one a talent for information and knowledge and the other is gifted in reason and understanding. 

How am I to love them the same when they are so different? It is impossible!

Just because one shines in an area does not diminish the shine of the others in their area of strength.

I do not value any of these traits above the other and do not love one child more than another. They each are fascinating and wonderful. 

I do not love my children the same, I love them the way they are in their uniqueness, which in turn renders my love for them unique. 

And so to honor their uniqueness, I love each one uniquely.

They do not need to compete for my love. They are the only one of their kind. 

No one can compete with them. 

There can be no rivalry because no one can rival them. 

That is what it means to be unique.

Children, if you are reading this,  believe it with all your heart. 

Your parents love you each fiercely and uniquely. 

There is no one else that I love the way I love you, Sydney.

There is no one else that I love the way I love you, Quin.

There is no one else that I love the way I love you, Connor.

You cannot compare it, it cannot be measured. Each of you is precious and priceless to me.

When I commend one, it does not mean I value them more, 

There are qualities I commend you for too! If you need reminders about where you shine, 

come ask me. 

Do not feel outshone by your sibling, you shine in beautiful ways too. You can all shine without diminishing one another's glow. 

Do not compare yourselves to one another.  

Your Father and I do not compare you to each other, 

because each of you is beyond compare.

My dear children,  how beautiful to realize your Heavenly Father loves each of you this way? It removes all need to compete because there is no one in your category. You are one of a kind. There is no one to compare you to.

You are Without Rival.

Dear Graduates...

High School Grad occurred this weekend for our son. He was a little nonchalant about it. and honestly, that is mostly our fault.

You see, we have told him High School Grad is a basic expectation. While being a step in his path to achievement, we assume it is going to happen.  After Grad, he is still an unskilled worker in society and success in life is not guaranteed.  They have finished the prep work and are now at the start line.

Dear Graduates;

There are things your teachers, parents and the world will tell you that are simply not true.

1. You can be anything.  I do not know where this one came from. It just simply is not true. There are things that you cannot do.  No matter how hard you believe in yourself, some things are just not yours to be had.  You have certain skills, talents, abilities and interests and if you take opportunities that arise, develop them and see where they lead, it is going to be a very interesting life.

You have limitations. These are also part of what make you unique and human. Learn to accept these limitations, shine where you shine and let others shine where they shine.

Can you own an Island, fly a jet and be a billionaire? Well, the stats are not in your favor. Eventually, you are going to have to be OK with that!

2. Academic success (straight A's, insane GPA's and 99 percentiles) is everything. Schools might not say this out loud, but it is implied through the awards schools present and unbalanced glorification of those who thrive in the academic setting. Academics is one aspect of life. I personally love academics! Graduated the top of my Program at UNBC. Now, 18 years later, who cares??? Seriously! Who. Cares!

Balance is important, so is community involvement. I just spoke with a gentleman who is involved in hiring staff. They actively look for individuals who are well rounded.  Academic success does not always equal well rounded.

3. Do what you are passionate about. Really???  Let's be honest, how many people in the world earn a living at their passion?  Come on!  I apologize for this myth, we almost paralyze many of you with it. It is really unfair. First of all, you are 18, you probably do not know yet what your passion is! That is OK, you will discover it, no worries. Really, do not worry about it.

If you do know your passion and you pursue it for work, you very likely will diminish your passion for it. And finally, most of us do what we are passionate about after work or on the weekend.  If you work at what was previously your hobby, what will be your hobby? Filling your whole life up with work brings us right back to #2! 

Here is the reality, 

1. Learning to work well with others is foundational. Treat people the way you want to be treated. With the chaos in the world right now, that could stand being said again.

Treat others the way you want to be treated. 

Some of you will have to learn this after the bubble of High School because you got away with some completely unacceptable behavior while there. Many of you figured this out early and it shows,  emotionally healthy adults can pick up on this! Before you talk, act, or respond ask yourself would I want someone to talk, act, or respond to me this way? It goes a long way to making family, workplaces and the world a better place. Get this and you are ahead of 75% of people!

2. Take time, travel, work, try new things and take risks. Develop yourself in any way you can.  Become well rounded. Opportunity will arise and it is to your advantage to take it and find out what it reveals. Find out your interests and follow them. If something intrigues your curiosity, follow it. Most of us are working in fields that focus on what we are interested in. If it keeps our interest and curiosity, that is a great way to spend a work week! Start where you are interested, the rest will come together, trust me!

3.  You are going to really not like this one! I didn't at your age. Listen to the people who know and love you! They have watched you grow and know you. They see your strengths and the honest ones will acknowledge your weaknesses. They can give you insight into yourself. They can give you ideas about what this world might have for you. Listening doesn't mean you have to do it. OK!?! But, it will give you a starting point. Investigating those areas might cause you to trip upon the one you are interested in.

I am not telling you these things to burst your bubble. I care, I see how the lies society throws at you cause you frustration, can paralyze you from taking action and often overwhelm you with unhealthy expectation.  We have made this next step seem so important and life altering that you may feel afraid to start.  

It is not that intense.

Many of us zig zag and change direction. a few of us have false starts and then discover what is really important to us and head off in that direction. The path is not always straight. There are detours and corners, tunnels and sometimes the path just stops and it is the chance to look for a new one. This is the adventure of life. Do not get so focused on the destination that you forget to live while on the journey.

Enjoy it!

Praying for your best!

With Love,

Lisa