A Response to Chaos

I could have given up on Facebook this week. At first, the ridiculous Starbucks cup débâcle. Then the violence that struck and brought a tidal wave of opinions. Honestly, it was a lot. 

First, brothers and sisters in Christ, really!?! That is exactly the stuff the media loves to pounce on. It makes us look petty, judgmental, and it is a poor representation of the love of God. Let's be a little more discerning in the future! 

I have to laugh as I see the very people lumping all Christians into one miserable, judgemental group of ignorants,  then turn around and remind the world that not all Muslims are terrorists. I laugh because honestly, how else can I respond? I agree, Muslims are not all terrorists. The refugees are fleeing that very insanity to seek safer borders. The irony is that tolerance is promoted as a virtue, yet those promoting it are not extending it to all groups.

As a result of all the chaos, I have had the Prayer of St. Francis going through my head. I first learned these words in a children's choir. Even as a child, these words were impactful. I knew even then that the world would be so different if mankind could behave this way, if I could behave this way.

The Prayer of St. Francis

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

Where there is injury, pardon;

Where there is doubt, faith;

Where there is despair, hope;

Where there is darkness, light;

Where there is sadness, joy.

O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek

To be consoled as to console,

To be understood as to understand,

To be loved as to love;

For it is in giving that we receive;

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

It is in dying to self that we are born to eternal life.

It isn't my natural response, it is the response that comes from being close to God.

In my heart of hearts, this is who I want to be. In reality, well...

That is why I have been meditating on these words. That is why I beg God to change my human nature.

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

Amen

Catch and Release. Wait, WHAT???

I am sitting in the airport waiting for a flight. It is Sister's Weekend!! Yay!! I love these small get aways with my sister. So awesome!!

This time we are meeting in Calgary. Shopping, good food, girl talk. THE BEST! And for any and all sisters, a necessity!!

This time we get to see my sweet girl and her team play some Volleyball. I am barely able to acknowledge my excitement for fear I may completely startle the people around me. I am worried that if I let the door open a little, the damn will break. It is quite likely that would result in a 911 call because the elderly person sitting 10 feet to my right may have a heart attack. That is how excited I am.

I have not seen my girls' sweet face in 75 days. I only counted for writing this, really! For 18 years I have cared for this precious offspring. At the most we have spent a week apart.  I know she is an adult, but let's be honest, in my heart of hearts, she is my baby girl! 75 days!!! 

At this point I would like to acknowledge there are different kinds of Mom's. We each approach our role uniquely. That is good, in fact, it is great! I will celebrate your strengths and difference, in return, please allow me mine. Diversity is good people :)

I am the Mom that gets grumpy when school supplies turn up in the stores in the middle of July. What is up with that?! We haven't even had time to unwind from the year we just finished! 

I start slipping into a funk at the end of August because September is right around the corner.  It takes all my will power to not snap when yet another cashier reminds me that school is starting soon. No I am not eager to send my kids off again! We are having fun!! 

I count down the days to Christmas break and throw a party when I find out Spring Break is two glorious weeks. 

While I know my kids need to get a summer job,  I do not want to share the precious little time I have left. I feel this on the inside while I tell them " No way are you lying around next summer! It is time for you to experience real work! You are getting a job!!" I say it emphatically, and convincingly I might add. Then at night when they are asleep, I ask Craig if they really need to, I want to play instead. Yeah, I know, poor Craig! For these reasons, in order to prevent overwhelming our children with, well...me, it was good we handed them over for someone else to educate. I am jealous of all who get more time with them than me. That is the truth.

You may be a Mom who rejoices with what causes me grief. I may feel dismay at what brings you great happiness. I am okay with that. It is alright that we do this differently, I am convinced these differences are fantastic,  you are an amazing Mom! 

So for the first time in my life, I have not seen my sweet daughter for 75 days in a row. Yes, to those of you with little ones tugging on your pant legs, it is going to happen. Sooner than you think. It is completely unimaginable. In truth, it is totally splendid and thoroughly awful all at once. 

In 1 sleep, I will see her sweet face. Oh, how I miss it!! I will see her stunning eyes that with one glance tell me everything I need to know. I will hear her beautiful voice, laugh and wit. Best of all, I will get to wrap her up in my arms and hug her tight,  give her rosy cheek a kiss, and run my hands through her gorgeous hair tempted beyond belief to braid it as I did when she was little.

The next part, well I am not so sure how to do it. I do not actually think I will be able to unwrap the hug. I don't think I will actually be able to release her. No, really! Honest! I mean it! I am actually afraid I will just drag her back home like a Mother bear bring her cub back to the den. Can't you just see it??? Lord. Have. Mercy. I can't breath!!

Tears are streaming down my face as I type this in the airport lobby. How am I going to let her go?! Help... I still can't breath!!

I am glad it is my sister coming with me. As an older sister, she is immune to my tears. My awesome, and amazing husband simply is not. She alone is equipped for this first official "catch and release" visit. 

First, she may be small but she is shockingly strong and incredibly willful, if needed, I believe she will be able to pry me off and free my daughter. Secondly, she can effectively employ the technique of mocking to shame me into appropriate behaviour. She has had decades of unique training for this as an older sibling. It is a super power she has keenly honed to perfection. Finally, to avoid the drama little sisters resort to, she has developed her skills of wit and humour.  She has learned exactly how and when to get me to laugh instead of cry. She is excellent at this. Enough said. 

So while, I am thrilled, I am also a little apprehensive. I have the perfect companion for this adventure. Thank you Lord. What a gift my Sister is! So...here we go!!!

Don"t Throw the Baby Out With The Bathwater!

I am currently trying to encourage one of my sons to read a book he doesn't agree with conceptually. Just the conversations we have had about trying to engage with information that does not suit our perspective has been amazing, thought provoking and, for me, fun!

Critical thinking is something we deeply value. We have always encouraged our kids to challenge ideas. As they have gotten older, we are trying to encourage them to challenge and evaluate their beliefs and ideas.

It is easy to slip into lazy thinking. I am guilty of this, so much so sometimes I completely miss the point of something. (Just ask my cousin whose satirical posts I respond to before my morning coffee!) :)

The biggest trap for me is getting stuck reading material that agrees with my world view. If all I do is validate my perspective with information that agrees with me, I risk becoming a lazy thinker. I have to consistently look for material and sources that challenge me. Is it comfortable? No! I often find myself having strong reactions, maybe feeling incredulous or even angry. When that happens, I am actually at my most vulnerable intellectually. I find that I have to push on, or I may "throw the baby out with the bathwater" so to speak.

Our values of diversity and critical thinking were partly responsible for choosing Public School for our children. We knew that in the public system our values as Christians would be overtly challenged, especially as our kids grew older.  We try to take advantage of those opportunities to discuss with our kids what they are learning. We have numerous opportunities to evaluate the positions presented, contrast them with our own and challenge ourselves to interact with opposing ideas.  A diversity of thinking is valuable!
I try to take advantage of textbooks lying on my kitchen table. Taking the chance to peer through them, I look for topics of study that might provide a good discussion. I question our kids about projects and what topics they were covering in classes to open dialogue.

It is important that our kids explore and challenge their faith. We do not want them to believe because we believe. We try to discuss diverse approaches to faith and the logic around them. Such discussions expose the areas we need to understand more and investigate. The ultimate goal is an honest exploration for Truth. They need to determine for themselves what they believe and why.

Our son disagrees with the premise of the book I am trying to get him to read. I have told him that I don't want him to conform to the ideas of the book. I do not ever want him just to accept information. I want him to wrestle with it, think about it from different angles and evaluate. He has a great mind, we value it and want him to use it.

I have tried to convey that it is wise for us to read the information we don't agree with whether it is about faith, science, politics, health care, vaccines, abortion, anything. I am trying to teach him the value of setting our assumptions aside.  If we read information from a perspective that is different from our own and seek to understand the position, it makes us sharper.  Honest evaluation makes us more informed, helps us better understand the other side and encourages us to challenge our own perspective. We may be surprised that there are certain things we agree on even if our conclusions are different. It is not enough to limit our reading of information that already supports what we already believe.

There are a few steps I want him to learn to take when presented with ideas that challenge his own:

1. Clearly define the premises presented and seek to understand the position presented.
2. What are the arguments used to support the premise?
3. What are the strengths of the argument, are these valid?
4. What are weaknesses of the argument, what is invalid?
5. What points do I find convincing, worthy of consideration or do I agree with? Why?
6. What points do I find unconvincing, or do I disagree with? Why?
7. In what way am I emotionally reacting with the information? Do I want to mock the logic Am I feeling angry? Am I dismissing it with incredulity? Why?
8. What are my counter arguments?
9. Has this exposed a weakness in my own thinking? What steps am I going to take in response?
10. What areas of my own position do I need to understand more fully or investigate more?

This kind of parenting requires much effort. Mostly because I need to lead by example and take the time necessary to engage. The more I read through social media, the more I am committed to it.

I want to raise kids who are open to respectful dialogue. I want them to take the time and effort to try to understand. I don't want them to think they know the arguments of an alternate perspective.  I want them to truly understand the logic of that perspective.  I do not want them to seek out information that supports only their own view. I want them to be well-rounded, informed thinkers. I want them to be knowledgeable and respectful of another's position. I want them to be able to critique and evaluate ideas, so they are not caught up by rhetoric given by a charismatic presenter. My goal is to raise respectful, critical thinkers.

Transforming the Mundane

We were visiting with good friends last night and talking about some of the never ending tasks of keeping a house and managing family life. It reminded me of my struggle to transition to being at home with the children.

I was excited to become a Mom. We had been married 5 years and were settled. Craig was established in his career, and I was finishing up a degree. Even if we didn't feel totally ready, we were in a pretty good spot.

I was put on bed rest over Christmas and then was hospitalized over New Years, Sydney arrived early in January. She was a small little thing. Only 6 lbs when we brought her home. She felt like she was slipping through our fingers.

It didn't take long for the reality of parenthood to set in. I loved our girl, so much that I thought my heart would burst. But I am a finisher. I like to wrap up a task and mark it done. Often at the end of a day it seemed all I had accomplished was a fresh load of diapers done, maybe not even folded yet.

It didn't take long for never ending laundry, food prep and cleaning to discourage me. I had this poignant moment of despair. I remember getting under the table to wipe the floor clean for the third time that day thinking "There has to be more!"

It isn't that I didn't love raising my family, I was home full time with them for 10 years. I just needed more. I loved ditching the housework to play and have fun with the kids but let's be honest, housework has to be finished sometime. A lot of our lives are lived working at the mundane, repetitive tasks. It was then I stumbled across the Practise the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence. It was a book I had purchased during my years at Bible School when taking my Bachelors of Christian Ministry.

Brother Lawrence was a member of the Carmelite monastery in Paris. He entered as a lay brother, not having the education necessary to become a cleric. He spent his life working in the kitchen and as a repairer of sandals in his later years. His life was full of the repetitive mundane. As I read the book of letters compiled from his life again,  it transformed my days in a new ways.

I learned from this wise man who lived a simple life how to experience God in the midst of tasks that, while necessary, were mind numbing. 

I would use Sydney's first nap as a chance to have a cup of tea and read the Bible. Then as I worked at the dishes or housecleaning, I would meditate on a verse or thought that had been significant for me that day. Or I would pray and listen to God as I folded laundry. I slowly learned to use those mundane tasks to enjoy God's company, becoming mindful of him during my labor. 

I began to look forward to tasks that earlier had left me dying for intellectual stimulation.  Folding a basket of laundry no longer filled me with frustration at the cyclical rhythm of life. These tasks that previously left me desperate for the hope of something significant became extremely significant.  Not only were the tasks transformed but so was I. It took time, but it happened. 

I believe that the tasks that are necessary but seem so droll are an opportunity. Moments we want to fill with some other distraction are an invitation to experience God. I am so glad God led me to the example of Brother Lawrence in that stage of life. Getting under the table for the 3rd time in a day no longer filled me with a sense of hopelessness. 

I look back on that stage of life with a feeling of longing sometimes. I have not yet experienced another stage in life where I was free to experience him more. It was precious and fleeting. I sometimes wish to experience God's presence in my days to that extent again. 

I sometimes forget that folding a basket of laundry is an invitation to more. God can transform the common tasks of life into a meaningful, life-changing, moments.

Coaches Wanted!!

Just over a year ago, Sydney was at a College trying out for a sports team. We were excited at the invitation she received to come and train with the team for three days. If it hadn't been for her grade 9 Coach and a Coach who had trained her at a camp one summer, we would never have thought to pursue College. Those Coaches both saw something in our kid that we didn't have the insight or training to recognize. 

The camp Coach gave of her own free time to work with Sydney in preparation for her College tryouts. She took time out of her very busy life to training Sydney and talk to her about her mental game. It was incredibly generous. Unbelievable. This support gave Sydney the courage to take a chance.

At the end of the College try-outs, the College Coach said he really wanted to work with her. He told Sydney what he saw in her.  The qualities he mentioned were the same things those previous Coaches had recognized. She is at that College; her name is on the roster, and she is being challenged in her skill and character because of people who gave their time, encouraged her, believed in her and supported her.

This last month Craig was invited to work with our son's team. He is focusing development in the areas of character and team behaviour. Quin's coach recognized that it was not enough to train together. In order to reach their potential as a team, they needed to start working on character and team attitude. Recognizing her limited time, she was incredibly grateful for Craig's willingness to support this area of training.

I am almost jealous of Craig's chance to work with these guys. They are a fantastic group of young men. As Craig has engaged them in the areas of personal values, team values and individual character they have been receptive and responded with a sincere commitment.   They have risen to the challenge. They are hungry for the input, and they are working it out, on and off the court. It has been a transformation, not yet perfect, but moving rapidly in the right direction. Craig is extremely impressed with them. He looks forward to his time with them.

We have often told our kids that their love for and participation in sport is about much more than their personal enjoyment and success. Sport is about developing and honouring the gifts God has given to them. It is about using the opportunities given to them for developing relationships, character and playing to bring joy and delight to their Maker. He is the one who wired them for this. They are His light where he puts them. Every team, a chance to love the people around them well.

What I am seeing is an incredible opportunity for Adults to bring out the best in the next generation. Some schools are scrambling for Coaches. This is a huge need. Craig and I have often considered training for Coaching as a way to give our time to the next generation in meaningful ways. 

Coaching is an excellent opportunity to guide youth in the development of their character, teamwork and mutual respect. The youth of today are ready to be called higher. They will quickly meet the expectation and ask for more. Parents are glad for the support. We all know it takes a village to raise our kids. The input to our child's life from dedicated, caring, honest adults is something many of us are glad for. 

There is a need. We, the Church, could meet it.  Imagine!!!

Grace, I didn't really get it

Have you ever been completely laid bare? You know, seen yourself for who you really are? It happened in my mid-twenties. It was a necessary part of fully understanding God's lavish grace. I grew up hearing about it. I thought I understood it.  It wasn't until I got a good look at myself, acknowledging that I was by nature sinful, my desires self-centred, my instincts self-serving that I could grasp the concept of grace completely. I saw myself honestly, without God's grace and mercy on me, I was fully capable of every sin. 

Every. Single. One.

Initially I was so disgusted by my true heart that even though I knew about grace, I tried to fix myself up. I got stuck in the trap of trying to make myself more worthy. I tried to fight my sin, have victory and show God that I was worth his time. I understood grace intellectually, but my heart struggled to receive grace's truth and freedom. 

Focusing on victory was focusing on my sin. Inevitably I failed. I  felt worse and withdrew farther from God. I was overwhelmed by how unworthy of his love I was. It became a hopeless cycle, struggle, fail, berate myself, promise myself and God that I would do better and then start from the beginning again. Over and over.  

One day, in the midst of this struggle, overwhelmed by my sinfulness and failure we had a Small Group Christmas party to go to. I did not want to go. At all! I was crushed, burdened by the futility and overwhelmed by the hopelessness of my human effort. I felt heavy with the weight of my sin and failure. I was so unworthy of God's love and I knew it to my core.

We stopped at the grocery store to pick up some party items. I went in alone, gathered my things and got into line. As I placed my items on the till, I noticed the difference between my purchases and the man I front of me. He was a homeless man. A person I had seen around town frequently. My items were all nonessential frilly party items. He was purchasing items for a meal, a small meal. Necessities.

I felt the Holy Spirit whisper to me. God asked me to pay for his items. I knew my face was splotchy from crying that day, I didn't want to cause a scene or draw attention to myself. God pressed harder on my heart. I quietly spoke, "Could I purchase your items?". He didn't seem to hear, I thought I was off the hook. The Holy Spirit nudged me again. God asked me to touch the gentleman on the shoulder and ask.  I didn't know if he might have a mental illness and be freaked out about a stranger touching him. I still didn't want to make a move that would draw attention. I wrestled with God a while.  The Holy Spirit pressed more firmly. I reached out, put my hand on his shoulder and asked if I could pay for his items. He gratefully agreed and was so appreciative. I was so moved by his response.

So much happened through that small act of obedience. At that moment my heart was full, I finally understood, more than at an intellectual level. In my sin, in my unworthiness God used me to love on another. He showed me that though I am unworthy, he doesn't see me that way. He sees me as His chosen child, forgiven through the blood of Christ. He has declared me clean. He showed me that though I am unworthy, he can work through me if I am willing to obey. As I receive his grace, I can be an agent of his grace to others. My heart finally understood.

It was a powerful moment as this gentleman expressed his appreciation, the cashier teared up, and I cried. I cried because God still wanted to work in and through me, even though I was undeserving, flawed and human.

I thought I knew God's grace. It wasn't until that moment that I recognized the real worth of the gift God offered me. I fully knew in my heart the truth of his unconditional love and fullness of his forgiveness. I understood completely that there was absolutely nothing that I could offer or bring to the table. Wretch that I am, God chose to love me.  I finally came to understand grace. 

I learned true gratitude. Understanding grace created a heart within me that overflowed with thanksgiving and love for God's mercy. It drove me to spend time in his presence, learn more about him and love him more truly.  As I focused on him, victory over sin began to happen. He honoured my hearts desire to grow in the Fruit of the Spirit. I am thankful for this, there are no words adequate to express it. 

I have been asking God about my blind spots, what character issues he wants to transform.  From my perspective, there are SO many!!! I get discouraged by how far I still need to go. There are parts of who I am that I fight and struggle with. Parts of me I just don't like. I want to know what he wants to transform. As I focus on him, I know he will be faithful and take care of it. He has surrounded me by people who love and extend grace to me in my imperfections and failings. My sin keeps me humble, reminds me of my desperate need for God and fills me with longing for heaven.

I long for the day when my motives will be truly pure. When I can love others as God loved me. It makes me think of one of our favorite quotes by C.S. Lewis from the Silver Chair:

“Sir,” said Caspian, “I've always wanted to have just one glimpse of their world. Is that wrong?”“You cannot want wrong things any more, now that you have died, my son,” said Aslan.

Heaven is going to be so incredible!

Our Ladies Bible Study is doing a study on Colossians. The teacher, Matt Chandler, had a great quote. He said, "Jesus isn't in love with some future version of you." That is what God helped me understand that day. He is reminding me of it. God does love me. Just as I am. Wow!

Flexibility...

Flexibility is a trait my husband has in spades. It is one of his many attributes that I greatly admire and value. Okay, maybe even covet. He is unflappable! He gets thrown a curve ball and he seamlessly rolls with it. From where I sit, it looks effortless. It has always amazed me. He is the embodiment of calm under pressure.

I know you think I am exaggerating because I am head over heels in love, I can't be trusted. Well, first of all, I am completely hopeless at deception and lying. Honestly, I gave it up by age eight because my Dad told me I was terrible at it and I always got caught. Second of all, 23 years of marriage keeps it real.  Thirdly, you can ask anyone who works with him. 

One of the reasons I love and admire this about Craig is that I, myself, do not have this trait. If plans change, it takes me a good while to switch tracks. It takes a great deal of intentionality for me. It is something about myself that I find frustrating.

I value flexibility because of its fruit. It presents itself along with character traits like, calmness, patience, gentleness, slow to anger, realistic expectations, carefully chosen words and peacefulness. Those are all amazing qualities! I want more of these traits in my life.

So, I did what I know to do. I asked God to teach me how to be flexible.

That's right. That is what I did!

I have loved Jesus long enough to know that if my hearts desire is to overcome my flaws and weaknesses, he will honour that. He knows if I am serious about it or not.

He knew I was serious about this.

The problem with increasing flexibility is it involves stretching. To to point of discomfort and often pain.  Growing in flexibility hurts.  It is important to be prepared for discouragement. 

God has used a number of challenges these last couple of years to give me the opportunity to work with him in growing to be flexible.  It began when my left ovary grew a cantaloupe sized cyst which threw me into emergency surgery. God was not caught off guard by this. I definitely was. There was not a lot of prep time to prepare for that one. There was; however, a lot of time to work it through post surgery. Added to an increase in free time was a major change in my recreational activity.  I refuel by getting out of the house and playing with my family. It is life giving to me. It is an essential, non-negotiable necessity. Surgery took all that away. My favourite being, water skiing and water sports with my family. It was a real challenge for me to roll with.

I struggled a lot working that out.

When I was given the go ahead to exercise, I was so excited!!  This last February, eleven months after surgery, I partially tore my rotator cuff when snowshoeing. Then re-injured it in June. My family doctor took my care to a new level which warned me it was more serious than I wanted it to be. Again, right in time for water ski season! Seriously!! 

I ended up sitting on the dock all summer.  I did my best to roll with it, I think I am getting better at it. 

At a follow up visit, I  cornered my GP and he admitted that I would most likely need surgery. He was very reluctant in saying it. When he broke the news to me he said "You are handling this really well. Most people would be crying by now!" 

I took that as a big compliment! A sign of growth :) I am learning. I am getting flexible! I am learning how to roll with it! I am not perfect yet. When I went home to tell Craig I cried. Just a little though. Honest, I wasn't sobbing or anything :)

I just saw a surgeon and it looks like surgery is in my near future. If that happens, it is 3 months off work at least, another 3 of rehab. With the proposed timeline, another summer on the dock....

Ugh! 

I am learning to take it day by day. I am learning to let go of my expectations. One of the most beautiful truths about God is that if we invite him into our lives, he gives us the chance to not waste our pain. If we cooperate with him, he makes beauty out of ashes. He redeems difficult circumstances by revealing more of who he is through them. He can help us strengthen our weaknesses through trials, pain and stretching circumstances. 

I am not looking forward to what is ahead. I am kind of dreading it honestly. I have been told by a few professionals my arm will be immobilized for a few weeks. I don't even know how to do immobilized!  While I am not excited about it, I am learning to roll with it. I have grown in gratitude. Learned to focus on the good things and let go of my expectations. I am looking forward to knowing God more and becoming more like him! In the end, I know the hard time will be worth it.