Grace, I didn't really get it

Have you ever been completely laid bare? You know, seen yourself for who you really are? It happened in my mid-twenties. It was a necessary part of fully understanding God's lavish grace. I grew up hearing about it. I thought I understood it.  It wasn't until I got a good look at myself, acknowledging that I was by nature sinful, my desires self-centred, my instincts self-serving that I could grasp the concept of grace completely. I saw myself honestly, without God's grace and mercy on me, I was fully capable of every sin. 

Every. Single. One.

Initially I was so disgusted by my true heart that even though I knew about grace, I tried to fix myself up. I got stuck in the trap of trying to make myself more worthy. I tried to fight my sin, have victory and show God that I was worth his time. I understood grace intellectually, but my heart struggled to receive grace's truth and freedom. 

Focusing on victory was focusing on my sin. Inevitably I failed. I  felt worse and withdrew farther from God. I was overwhelmed by how unworthy of his love I was. It became a hopeless cycle, struggle, fail, berate myself, promise myself and God that I would do better and then start from the beginning again. Over and over.  

One day, in the midst of this struggle, overwhelmed by my sinfulness and failure we had a Small Group Christmas party to go to. I did not want to go. At all! I was crushed, burdened by the futility and overwhelmed by the hopelessness of my human effort. I felt heavy with the weight of my sin and failure. I was so unworthy of God's love and I knew it to my core.

We stopped at the grocery store to pick up some party items. I went in alone, gathered my things and got into line. As I placed my items on the till, I noticed the difference between my purchases and the man I front of me. He was a homeless man. A person I had seen around town frequently. My items were all nonessential frilly party items. He was purchasing items for a meal, a small meal. Necessities.

I felt the Holy Spirit whisper to me. God asked me to pay for his items. I knew my face was splotchy from crying that day, I didn't want to cause a scene or draw attention to myself. God pressed harder on my heart. I quietly spoke, "Could I purchase your items?". He didn't seem to hear, I thought I was off the hook. The Holy Spirit nudged me again. God asked me to touch the gentleman on the shoulder and ask.  I didn't know if he might have a mental illness and be freaked out about a stranger touching him. I still didn't want to make a move that would draw attention. I wrestled with God a while.  The Holy Spirit pressed more firmly. I reached out, put my hand on his shoulder and asked if I could pay for his items. He gratefully agreed and was so appreciative. I was so moved by his response.

So much happened through that small act of obedience. At that moment my heart was full, I finally understood, more than at an intellectual level. In my sin, in my unworthiness God used me to love on another. He showed me that though I am unworthy, he doesn't see me that way. He sees me as His chosen child, forgiven through the blood of Christ. He has declared me clean. He showed me that though I am unworthy, he can work through me if I am willing to obey. As I receive his grace, I can be an agent of his grace to others. My heart finally understood.

It was a powerful moment as this gentleman expressed his appreciation, the cashier teared up, and I cried. I cried because God still wanted to work in and through me, even though I was undeserving, flawed and human.

I thought I knew God's grace. It wasn't until that moment that I recognized the real worth of the gift God offered me. I fully knew in my heart the truth of his unconditional love and fullness of his forgiveness. I understood completely that there was absolutely nothing that I could offer or bring to the table. Wretch that I am, God chose to love me.  I finally came to understand grace. 

I learned true gratitude. Understanding grace created a heart within me that overflowed with thanksgiving and love for God's mercy. It drove me to spend time in his presence, learn more about him and love him more truly.  As I focused on him, victory over sin began to happen. He honoured my hearts desire to grow in the Fruit of the Spirit. I am thankful for this, there are no words adequate to express it. 

I have been asking God about my blind spots, what character issues he wants to transform.  From my perspective, there are SO many!!! I get discouraged by how far I still need to go. There are parts of who I am that I fight and struggle with. Parts of me I just don't like. I want to know what he wants to transform. As I focus on him, I know he will be faithful and take care of it. He has surrounded me by people who love and extend grace to me in my imperfections and failings. My sin keeps me humble, reminds me of my desperate need for God and fills me with longing for heaven.

I long for the day when my motives will be truly pure. When I can love others as God loved me. It makes me think of one of our favorite quotes by C.S. Lewis from the Silver Chair:

“Sir,” said Caspian, “I've always wanted to have just one glimpse of their world. Is that wrong?”“You cannot want wrong things any more, now that you have died, my son,” said Aslan.

Heaven is going to be so incredible!

Our Ladies Bible Study is doing a study on Colossians. The teacher, Matt Chandler, had a great quote. He said, "Jesus isn't in love with some future version of you." That is what God helped me understand that day. He is reminding me of it. God does love me. Just as I am. Wow!