What Just Happened!?!

I shake my head in disbelief. Here I am, surrounded by astonished parents. I listen to Mom's and Dad's say:

"It happened overnight!" 

Obviously it didn't.

"Where did the time go?" 

Fast, it went fast.

"We can't be old enough!"
Clearly we are!!

"They were just in Kindergarten!"

"What just happened?"
They grew up.
How dare they!?!

Here we are at Prom.

Young men and women my kids have gone to high school with, some they have gone to school with since they were in kindergarten, some they have known since birth. 

I am surrounded by young men dressed in suits, my own among them. 

Gorgeous young women so stunning it is hard to imagine them in a pair of jeans and a T-shirt.

My boys look like men.

They are men. 

So handsome!

I am so biased!!

Ok, I might be biased, but it is the truth, look at them!!

We are the parents saying stupid things to you young parents. 

"Enjoy it while you can!"

You young parents are drowning in diapers and sleepless nights while we long for our littles again, sticky kisses and chubby cherub cheeks.

"They don't stay little long."  

You are thinking, "Great because one more day of this might do me in!", while we long to have them small in our arms where we exercise some control of their worlds.

"They'll be gone before you know it!"

Young parents almost ready to cry from exhaustion think "Maybe that's not bad, I can't remember what it is like to not be exhausted, what does a full night's sleep feel like!?!" We are mulling what our homes will be like without this child filling their space in it.

We don't mean to overwhelm you or make you feel guilty. We just want you to get to our stage without wishing you had spent the time differently. We do not want you to have regrets.

We don' t want you to just have selfies of playing with your kid. We want you to put the phone down and enjoy playing with that babe. Make the memory real.

We don't want you to wash the dishes when your son asks you to help him build his train track. 

Put down the vacuum and when your little girl goes and gets her Princess dress, surprise her by dawning your Bridesmaid Dress or Wedding Gown and have that spontaneous tea party. 

I read a book of wisdom from retired Pastors a few years back. The last chapter was "What would I do differently?"

I was grieved because all of them had a large section wishing they had been more present and given more time to family. I just pinned a post on 37 regrets you will have. Many of them focused on family and children.

We don't mean to make you feel panicked. But when you are wiping the spit off your shirt at the Business meeting, or crying because you can't form a coherent sentence, we want you to remember, it is for a time. 

Even these are Holy moments. 

A gift.

Be present.

Don't miss it. 

They are for a time. 

Just a short time.

Feel what you feel. It's ok.

When you are discouraged, come to us, let us listen and tell you that you are amazing and you will get through.

Let us remind you, it is for a time.

Here I am, my little men taking my breath away as they dress up in three-piece suits. I watch them be the gentleman we trained them up to be. 

I know it is hard to imagine. You will be here too one day. You are going to feel simultaneously the sweetness of pride and the grief of time past.

My heart violently spasmed as I see our sweet girl dressed up, shining brighter than the sun. As we watch her become the woman we tried so hard to guide her into. 

You will be here too one day. Your mind will flash back to playing in the sandbox, jumping off the swings, splashing through puddles and your heart will ache with the bittersweetness of it all.

One day you will look back and think, "Where did the time go? How is it over already!?!" 

Put your phone down, the housework will keep.

Don't miss these moments.

It isn't long until you will be saying

"What just happened!?!"

The Heart of a Mother

As I sat contemplating Mother's Day, the thought came to me that I can never fully express to my children how much I love them. I can never get them to completely understand my heart for them. This may be one of my biggest frustrations.  The inability to adequately express all my heart holds for them.

I have mentioned in other posts that one of the things the Holy Spirit prepared me for as a child was to be a mother.  I knew it, deep, deep in my soul, very early.  Not just a mother to my own children, but as someone to walk with others on a Spiritual Journey. As a mother would. Lead, guide, encourage, walk alongside.  This is part of who I am. When I say "my kids" I am not talking only about the ones I gave birth to. I have many who I love just as dearly as my own. I am often overwhelmed by the capacity to love these as much as my own. I am almost afraid the intensity of the love God has given me for them will freak them out!!! 

I rely on actions, and words to show my kids how desperately I love them.  I know you do too. It is why we grab onto sayings like "I love you to the moon and back".  There are no words or actions that can demonstrate my love enough.

There is no way my kids will know the depth or breadth of my fierceness for them. I have to temper my protective instinct. Instead, I turn it to prayer and trust in God. There are appropriate moments to be protective; however, even then I have to control it. It would terrify people!

My kids will never know how hard it is to wait for them to see in themselves all that I see. They are incredible. Not perfect, definitely flawed, but so gifted and talented and amazing. I cannot tell them, they do not believe me when I do. I have to wait for God, life and time to unveil it. My heart bursting with all that I see in them.

When they hurt, I hurt. This is an almost unbearable pain. At times I have thought it might break me. They are not alone, never are they alone. there are no words for watching a child suffer. This is one of the most difficult aspects of a Mother's heart.

How can I express that I am for them? All the time! They cannot ever lose my love or loyalty. Even when I challenge, correct, set a boundary or discipline, I am doing so to make them better. Everything I do is motivated by that. I am always on their team. When they want to give up, I want to make sure it is for the right reasons so that they will not have regrets. When they can't go on I push them because I know they can. While this makes them frustrated, angry or sometimes downright hostile with me, I am willing to stand my ground because I see the end game.

Dear ones, I am for you!!

How does one express that just the sight of their face brings me joy? Just the thought of them fills my heart. All they have to do is exist and my heart is full. That is all it takes. They are enough. They do not have to do anything or behave a certain way. They are my delight. Words fail to express how deep and rich this is.

I know many of you know what I am talking about. Most of you can probably express it better.

The biggest gift on Mother's day is being able to live life with my biological children and those who have let me 'adopt' them. ( I cannot post pics of you because I haven't got permission!! If you think you might be "my kid" You are!!! ) You fill my heart and my life. It is the biggest blessing and the best part of life! Thank you for letting me love you.

Help I'm a Mom: I Am Not Enough

When parenting, have  you ever had the alarming thought "I am not enough."?

If you haven't, Iii am glad for you,  but please don't give those of us who have a weird, uncomprehending look. Your moment is either coming or you are blessed. If your moment is coming, you know who to call. If you are blessed, I am glad for you, please try not to make me feel less capable than I already feel.

The moment hit me early. My daughter was a week old, sleeping sweetly in her bassinet. I stood beside her watching her in the dim light and I felt overwhelmed all of a sudden at what the world would throw her way, the things she would need to learn and know. I felt small and ill-equipped. I knew I would let her down and wouldn't be enough. So we decided to have two more children and maximize the damage!! 

Ha! Just kidding, these are not the moments a couple remembers when they choose to grow their family. 

I cannot count the number of times I have felt this. Growing up is hard. I personally think it hurts worse watching your children go through it. For everything they go through, I am not enough.

I don't have all the answers, I don't have all the tools. I am limited by my own strengths and weaknesses, knowledge and experience. I am limited by my own limits. 

I am not enough.

We have had experiences in parenting when I have felt hopelessly wanting. Situations have arisen where I have been completely beyond my understanding, ability, and depth. Where even the place to start eludes me.

It is scary, heart-wrenching and the worst possible place to be. 

Or is it?

When I am desperate, I react in a few ways.

First,  I cry out to God. It is now my first instinct. I know some of you don't believe, some are not sure what they believe, and others actually feel let down by Him, forgotten or maybe even think God is against you. 

I have had my fights with God. In the middle of a situation, I do not always see what He is doing or what His end game is. Hindsight is perfect. I have learned from experience that if I tuck in close to Him, ask Him to show me where He is at work and what He is doing I can trust Him. Sometimes I don't get to see what He is doing, sometimes only hindsight shows me. Other times He has acted quickly and obviously. In the end, He is my only hope and so I turn to Him and ask Him to direct me.

Second, I seek to increase my tool belt. Usually, an obvious deficiency has been revealed. I do this through talking to people with the skill, knowledge or connections that will help me learn.i research, read books and devise patterns and plans for my behavior and reactions or interactions. I prayerfully ask God to reveal what I need and where to find it, then I ask what I am to do and when I am to do it. 

Third, I have learned to pay attention to the moment, I have learned to not let my mind run wild with 'what ifs' or possible outcomes. That is borrowing trouble. I have learned to stop worrying, pray and trust. Decades of work in a few simple sentences. It comes down to training your brain and dealing with what is right in front of you.

Fourth, I let people into what is going on. God has given us trusted friends who have loved us through many hard times. They help give perspective, insight, support and distraction. Laughter is the best medicine and they have been faithful in helping us laugh in spite of the struggle or pain we face. They help us keep our hope and focus on the step we are on. They support us with encouragement and prayer. It takes a village to raise a child and in my experience, it takes a village to support parents as they raise a child. Our people have helped us keep our heads above the water and our eyes focused where they need to be, on the face of Jesus. 

If you feel you are not enough, it is because you are not. 

And that is OK.

Because if you look at your life, the resources, people, and situations you find yourself in, what you need is within grasp. Somewhere close by is the tool, person, insight or action that you need. Sometimes we have to fight harder and go further than we feel capable of.  Even when the way is dark and a happy ending seems impossible, we can have hope. 

If you are feeling like you are not enough, it is alright. many of us understand.

We have been there.
Maybe we are there.

Take a risk, let someone know what you are feeling and 
if you can find the courage, what you are facing.

I have been there.

I am not enough.