Here We Are...AGAIN!!

Here we are again, I thought practice would make me better at this. It has not.
Time is my enemy and my friend.
Moments give me precious memories.
Yet they feel all too fleeting.
I feel like I have all the time in the world, and yet not enough.

Our first born boy is off.
Making his way.
Testing new waters.

It is magnificent.

And yet my heart hurts.

A few years ago the Dave Mathews Band wrote a song You & Me. It resonated deeply and immediately I felt like it was “our song” for the next season of life. Craig and I had never had a song, and it felt cheesy, so I never said anything.

Here is the chorus and bridge:

Oh, and when the kids are old enough
We're gonna teach them to fly

You and me together
We can do anything, baby

We can always look back at what we did
Always memory of you and me, baby
Right now, it's you and me forever, girl
And you know we can do better than anything I would do
You know that you and me, we could do anything

Let me be clear, without God, we could not have done this hard thing called raising children. If I am clinging to God and because of God's goodness to me, I have Craig by my side, I can do anything. It is a miracle Quin made it to 18. I cannot tell you how seriously I mean this.

It seems like yesterday I heard this song for the first time and we were years from teaching our kids how to fly and now here we are.
What's more is, this isn't our first time!!

Now, if you are not the same as me and launching your kid is sweet joy and pleasure for you, embrace it.  Love it and do not question it. There is nothing wrong with that at all! We are not all alike and neither are we meant to be.

It is bittersweet for me.
I am 90% relational and 10% get stuff done. I love having my kids around.

Quin has been our joy and our action. He has kept us on our toes. He has shaped my character immensely and given us such sweet laughter and challenge. He has humbled us and made us better.  

Everything Quin does is wholehearted and he drives us to fully engage. Oh the stories we have!

He, like every other child, will leave a big, wide, gaping hole. His place is unique in our family. His strengths and weaknesses fill a particular void. He is our song and our dance.

It is hard to imagine our home and family without his interesting conversation and lively teasing.

In short.
I miss my boy.

It is good and it is right.

It will be so amazing to watch him continue to grow and become the person he is meant to be.

He never fails to surprise and delight us. It is going to be incredible supporting him in the next stage of our journey.

By the grace of God we got him to 18 alive and by the grace of God he is an amazing kid who is kind, hard working, musical, academic and fun loving.

We are so proud and yet know our part was small.

Quin, you have taught us more than we ever taught you and we are head over heels for you kid!

Give it all you've got! We are always and forever in your corner, cheering, believing in you, grinning ear to ear. What a ride!


Oh, and when the kids are old enough
We're gonna teach them to fly
You and me together, we can do anything..

Forgiveness Part 4: What If The One Who Wronged Me Does Not Confess?

Being human can be so hard sometimes. It is so awful that we hurt one another willfully and accidentally. We fail one another repeatedly and that is why a good, thorough, Biblical understanding of forgiveness is so necessary.

The pattern of forgiveness we have looked at in the previous posts has been based on God's model and the call to forgive as he has forgiven us. God does this perfectly whereas we as humans mishandle it. In human hands, it can break down at any point.

Often it is confession that trips us up. Being masters of rationalization, we excuse our behavior and talk ourselves out of the need to own our behavior. We fail to properly apologize. The saying "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." rings true in this situation. You may not have intended hurt but your actions caused hurt. To own it and not put that on another is emotionally healthy. It is the difference between "I am sorry I hurt you." (owning it) and " I am sorry you were hurt by what I did." (not owning it and making their hurt their problem).

What happens when Confession doesn’t happen?

Scripture tells us that before we confess and repent, we are enemies of God

(Romans 5:7-10).  However, even while we were his enemies he loved us.Similarly, people who have wronged us have placed themselves against us. They are now our enemy.

Jesus gave specific direction to his followers on how to treat our enemy.

Matthew 5:43-44
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’  But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,

“But I say to you, love your enemies.” How are we to love?  "Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets" (Matthew 7:12).

When someone fails to confess, they have placed themselves against us. They have become in a way, our enemy. Our human reaction to this is to hate, seek revenge, hope the worst for them. This is not how God handles us when we are his enemy. He sent Jesus to bridge the gap and make a way back for us, he sought our best and yet, while we are in that position of enemy, there are boundaries. We do not get to enjoy reconciliation or the fullness of his presence. If we follow God's example, we love our enemy, pray for them, and continue to treat them the way we would want to be treated.

This means we do not give in to behavior we ourselves do not want shown to us. We do not hate, seek revenge or give into the desires of our human nature. Instead we recognize that we have also hurt and wronged others. We recognize that as I desire grace from God and others, I will extend grace to others. We recognize it is not our right to seek payment. God will avenge if he deems it necessary (Leviticus 19:18, Romans 12:19-21). He will hold us accountable. I release my need for this and acknowledge that it is God’s right (Romans 14:12; Hebrews 4:13).

To have someone ignore the step of confession breaks the relationship. We are left with pain that has no resolution. When an offense goes unrecognized, it is often harder to sort through the devastation, hurt and anger and come to a place where we are not consumed by bitterness and rage.

We can find healing, validation and comfort that our pain is acknowledged by our Lord (Psalm 147:3) and that Christ has experience life on earth. He has been betrayed, he experienced grief and abandonment first hand. He was slandered. He suffered at the hands of men. He knows. Yet he demonstrated praying for his enemies.  “Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34).

It is in prayer for our enemy that God softens our hearts. He uses our faithfulness in prayer for those who have wronged us to feel love instead of hate, mercy instead of bitterness and grace in place of revenge. Through prayer God helps us release it. The result for our soul is freedom, the same as if we forgave someone who had repented. Through prayer he brings us to a place where we are ready to forgive as he is always ready to forgive. He enables us to release the outcome to him without cheapening forgiveness and it’s requirements.

This takes time, is often a cyclical process of working through the steps of grief. It is important to find safe people who will give you space and time to feel what you feel, understand, give a listening ear and be patient with you. People who will let you travel with gentle encouragement, compassionate insight when you hit a roadblock and who have a commitment to stick with you giving you hope that you will reach the other side.

The other side is when there is confession with no repentance. Change takes time. this is a little trickier to navigate. It the sin is repetitive, there has to be some protection for the one being consistently hurt. People who say sorry yet fail to change are dangerous. You need to protect yourself.

When confession and repentance have not occurred, we set up boundaries. Boundaries keep us from unnecessary harm. God’s boundary is that we do not have communion with him when we have not recognized him as Lord (1 John 3:10).  When people sin against us and do not  follow the biblical model of repentance, we set limits that are appropriate. This creates safety, communicates that a transgression has occurred that needs to be addressed and is very appropriate.

Dr. Henry Cloud is consistently publishing helpful articles on how to navigate this road. While he and I define forgiveness differently, he has steps to help clarify the boundaries. Help from a strong social support is essential as you set these boundaries. They will be challenges, you may be bullied or made to feel that you are unreasonable. You will start to doubt yourself and the steps you have taken to protect yourself.

This is how we seek to live in accordance with God’s example. This is how we forgive as God forgave us.  This is how we seek to live when others sin against us and do not follow the biblical model laid out by God. it is difficult and costs us, yet there is a way to wholeness even when it breaks down. God is enough for this, he can move us through to releasing it to him and trusting him with the outcome. He is big enough.

Forgiveness Part 3: How do we live this out?

Forgiveness is hard to extend. It is also hard to confess. This process costs us. It takes humility and grace. It means we risk being hurt again. Yet, these are the basic actions required to live in healthy relationships together. We are commanded in Luke 17:3-4 to forgive one another as God forgave us.  In the previous two post we have explored a couple of Biblical models for what God requires for forgiveness.

An overview:

Confession (1 John 1:9). Offering forgiveness without confession occurring does not follow the biblical model. God requires that we confess our sin to him in order to forgive our sin. To forgive others as God forgives us therefore, requires confession.

Confession defines what we are repenting from and provides a framework for what restitution is appropriate. Without confession, how do you move to repentance? What are you repenting from? Without confession, how do you make restitution? What are you making restitution for? Confessing is naming our wrong doing with Gods language. I lied, I cheated, I used my anger wrongly, I was selfish. It is important to name it what God calls it, identifying what we have done.

Repentance is turning from our previous action and developing a new pattern. It is recognizing we have not done right by another and that we will seek to do right by them in the future. This is essential because it is our only hope for real change and transformation (Matthew 18:3; Acts 26:20). If we don’t admit our sin, it’s impossible to be renewed. If we do not acknowledge our sin what are we being renewed or transformed from?. If we do not acknowledge our wrong, we do not recognize the need to change. Repentance demonstrates that we need God to help us change our thinking, attitudes, and behavior. It communicates to the one we have wronged that we understand the nature of our sin, it's impact on them and that we will try our best with the help of the Holy Spirit to live a different way. Saying "I am sorry" is saying I will change.

Where Restitution is possible, we are to make it. Zacchaeus was the model we looked at in scripture last week. Sometimes the one who is owed restitution can wave that right (Matthew 18:25-27).  This is an act of grace and is a choice only the person who has been wronged can make.  We could not pay the price for our sin and so God had it fulfilled another way, through Jesus. He did not demand a price from us that we could not pay (Luke 7:41-42). This is forgiving the way God has forgiven us.

Forgiveness and Reconciliation. Forgiveness is holding no record of the wrong. Once I forgive, I no longer raise this as an example to make the person who wronged me feel guilty or ashamed. God puts my sin as far as the East is from the West. This is the example he has given. Then we work together to rebuild the relationship. This is what reconciliation is. Restoration. It is often better that what it was when both parties give their best effort and are committed to the process.

As a family we have tried to develop the language and pattern of forgiveness based on God's mode. if one of our children wronged another we walked through these steps.

"I am sorry I broke your toy, I know I hurt you. I will be more careful next time and treat your toys the way I would treat mine."

"I forgive you." (It doesn't always happen right away, sometimes the tone is wrong, baby steps!

Then they would have to go replace that item. If it was no longer available a suitable mutually agreed upon replacement would be purchased. sometimes our kids would wow us and not demand the replacement be made.

This is simple in theory but now one child does not trust the other with their things. Walking through a process of earning that trust back and learning to trust again will take time, patience and grace until true reconciliation can be achieved. i cannot make the choice for another to enter into that process. It takes two equally committed people to walk that road. I want someone to take that risk on me, therefore, I have to be willing to take a risk on them. I do this knowing in my own life just because I commit to change does not mean that it will happen right away. I still do what I do not want to do and realistically I have to have grace as those who have hurt me turn from their ways and learn new patterns.

As parents we have had to apologize to our children and demonstrate the steps of this process. It is very humbling to apologize to a child but there is no more beautiful thing than to hear them say "I forgive you Mom."

This all looks good on paper. We are not perfect, we do not always get this right. Different personalities have a hard time saying sorry, others struggle with wanting to resentfully hang on and keep a record of wrongs. sometimes one person struggles with both those things!!

This is a process that takes dogged persistence and we have to lead by example. We want to raise up adults who are humble enough to admit their wrong and gracious enough to forgive. I want to be someone who is humble and gracious. To reach our goal, Craig and I need to live this out in front of our kids, in our marriage, in our friendships and in our relationships with our children. this is the only way for them to grab it and internalize it.

Healthy boundaries and communication are essential for the journey towards true reconciliation and there are some great resources for this.

Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend have adapted this book for children, marriage, and leaders. These are essential skills for growing in these areas. Dr. Cloud has a facebook page and regularly publishes great articles looking into these tools and realities.

What happens when we refuse to follow the example God has laid out for us? What happens when there is habitual sin and no repentance? What if only one person works at reconciliation? How does this look when a step of the process is skipped?

What happens when we refuse to acknowledge the way God forgives and how to live that out in our relationships? We will look into that next week.

Forgiveness : Part 2

Craig and I spent some time really searching through scripture regarding forgiveness after we had experienced some deep hurt. Deep hurt doesn't cut it, we felt almost destroyed. People would boldly tell us how to behave or what to do without even understanding the situation.  This actually caused more harm than good.

I have been reading through Job and it just hurts when I read it. We experienced  Jobs 'friends' when they spoke into a situation assuming truth was what was needed when in reality we needed someone to share grief, listen, give a safe place to vent the pain and suffering, show some compassion and understanding.

Thankfully our community also provided us with good people who listened over months of hurt and processing who loved us as we healed.

It started us on a journey of looking into what God set out as the forgiveness process. Last week we took a look at how God modeled forgiveness with Adam and Eve. Today we will look at how God reset forgiveness with Jesus and how that impacts our lives when we follow the Biblical model.

There are scriptures throughout the new testament supporting these steps.

New Testament: Jesus brings in The New Covenant
For salvation it is required that we go through these steps, consistent with the requirements in the Old Testament.

Recognition of sin and Confession:
We have lived independently from God
Romans 1:20-21
For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made, so that they are without excuse. For even though they knew God, they did not honor Him as God or give thanks, but they became futile in their speculations, and their foolish heart was darkened.
(Luke 13:3,John 3:16, 2 Peter 3:9)

Repent:
Accept his Lordship
Romans 10:9-10
...if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved; for with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation.
(Acts 16: 31, Acts 20:21

Restitution:
Jesus paid this price for us
Hebrews 9:22
...and without shedding of blood there is no forgiveness. (NASB)
Romans 5:8
But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. 

This is the end of the sacrificial system. Over and over in the new Testament we are told that Christ died once for all sin.  This price has been paid in full, never to be paid again. This is the reset that Christ began.
(Romans 6:10, Hebrews 10:10, 1 Peter 3:18)

Forgiveness:
1 John 1:9
If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.  (NASB)
(Psalm 32:1-6, Proverbs 28:13)

Reconciliation:
When we do this we are given the relationship of sons and daughters.
(John1:12, 2 Corinthians 6:18, Romans 8:16, 1John 3:1)
We are invited to know, pray and relate to God.
Hebrew 4:16
For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. 

The pattern is the same as what we saw last week when God related to Adam and Eve.

The difference here is that Christ paid for us. He made restitution to appease the price sin demands.

How do we live this out? we will take a look next week.

Forgiveness Part 1

Have you ever had to forgive someone?  Have you ever been in a position where you were wronged, hurt or so blatantly sinned against and been told by others to forgive?

There is a lot of misunderstanding around the topic of forgiveness.  As believers, we often pile together the things we have heard and sometimes forget to go back to Truth to get a proper understanding. Even significant things like forgiveness.

Scripture is meant to be used as a whole. We are never to take one verse, or one idea and build a theology around it, yet this happens all the time. It is a dangerous use of the word of God and we need to guard against it. Instead, we study the entire scripture to get a thorough understanding.

I fear we have an incomplete, incorrect understanding of forgiveness. 

Mark 6:5 says "But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."  So we work hard to forgive no matter what and yet something doesn't sit right in our souls. 

When you have been grievously sinned against, something inside of you cries "NO!" 

To forgive when there has been no recognition of wrong, no restitution or reconciliation diminishes the wrong you have experienced. It makes little of sin, and God never does that.

In Luke 17:3-4 we are called to forgive as God forgave us.  So we now have these two verses about forgiveness. What do we do?? This last one is echoed in Colossians 3:13 and Ephesians 4:32.

How did God forgive us?

Sin separates us from God. We don't like that, it feels offensive. Yet we are comfortable with the concept of sin when someone has wronged us. Human nature, don't you love it??

Over and over we see God patiently explaining what wrongs have been committed against him. He gently spells out for his people the way back. Stubborn as they are, they rarely take it.

Before we can forgive others as God forgave us, we need to understand how God forgives. The whole Bible is full of examples of how God has dealt with people when sin has come between.  I cannot form my Theology of Forgiveness from just the New Testament or the verses I find most significant. I need to search the whole Scripture.

Right away in Genesis, we are given our first example:

Old Testament: Under The Law, before Jesus

Adam and Eve

The relationship is broken by sin.

Eve had been tricked by the serpent to eat from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil and gave some to the Adam who was with her. That expectation was articulated clearly in Gen. 2:16-17

Genesis 3:8

Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden.

Recognition of Sin and Confession:

Genesis 3:11-13

And he (God) said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?”

The man said, “The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.”

Then the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?”

The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”

So here we are. They had freely walked and talked with God and now they hide from Him. The relationship is broken.

Because this is the first act of sin, God does the work to show them what is required

Repentance and Forgiveness:

Hebrews 9:22 tells us that the shedding of blood is required for the remission of sin. This is supported by the Bible in the Offerings and Sacrifices required from the Jewish people and it is echoed in Psalms 51:7.

That blood has to be shed for forgiveness to happen tells us how seriously God takes sin.

Genesis 3:21

The Lord God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife, and clothed them. (NASV)

In making garments of skin, the first blood was shed as a requirement for covering sin. The fact that God does this is a foreshadowing of his plan to send Jesus. The debt was Adam and Eve's and God took care of it. The debt is ours and yet God took care of it by having Jesus pay it. 

Restitution:

Revealed in the next chapter. God has instituted Offerings as restitution. Adam and Eve’s sons Cain and Abel live under The Law which now required offerings. Living in obedience rather than in disobedience is contrasted in their offerings and responses (Genesis 4).

Genesis 3:23

The Lord God sent him out from the garden of Eden, to cultivate the ground from which he was taken.

No longer did they enjoy the produce provided, they are now required to work the ground, bear children in pain.

Forgiveness & Reconciliation:

Genesis 3-4

We see Adam and Eve are driven from the garden, they no longer walk and talk freely with God. His presence withdrawn by the sin that has now entered. Relationship is maintained through the introduction of Offerings.

In chapter four Cain and Able demonstrate the difference between repentance and rebellion.

Forgiveness does not mean there is no consequence, they are driven from the Garden of Eden. Reconciliation does not mean there are now no boundaries. God no longer walks and talks with them face to face. God takes sin seriously. There is a change in the nature of their relationship.

Sin is what separates us from God and what hurts and separates us from one another.

The steps God requires for us are

1. Recognition of Sin and Confession
2. Repentance- turning from sin
3. Restitution when it can be made
4. Forgiveness
5. Reconciliation

The goal is alway to recover the relationship through reconciliation.

This is one of many of the Old Testament examples. There are many throughout in which you can see this pattern.

As we study this it becomes clear why, maybe, it is not so easy as just forgive and forget. Move on! Because the seriousness of sin requires more than that. Forgiveness isn't cheep.

Part 2 Next week

What Can I Do?

I heard a gentleman talking about visiting a developing country. He had met people who had barely enough to eat that day and lived in an 8'x10'house. That is as big as my bedroom. They were happy. Like deep, real, cannot lose it joy.

It made me think about how many people I know who have so much. More than they can eat, more than they can wear, more than they need and yet they aren't happy. In fact, they are deeply, deeply unhappy. It makes no sense.

The people in the 8x10 home knew Jesus, had a personal relationship with him. They knew what it was to have no hope and then experience redemption. They had found true happiness and desired to share that with others.

It is interesting that the people I know that have more than they need also know Jesus.  Why do they not have the same joy?

What are we doing wrong?

I read an article the other day that stated: "Christians who do not use their gifts are bored."  Sorry, I have tried to find it again and can't. It was a great article! I totally agree with its premise. I would maybe push it further and say if followers of Jesus are not, using their gifts, developing those gifts and exploring the potential of those gifts they are bored.

God does not intend for his people to be bored...

Maybe the comfort we live in robs us from what it really means to live. Maybe being self-sufficient and not lacking anything can take the adventure out of life.

What part of our life do we desperately need God for?  What can we not do with out him? Really.  If we are not completely dependant on God in something or in some area, there is no stretching, no adventure, no risk. We just get comfortable, lazy and in my experience, miserable.

Have you read through the accounts of the early church lately?  When I do, I cannot help but think we are doing something wrong.

As I read about the early church I am challenged to reflect on my priorities. I am forced to ask what the use of my time and money indicate about my priorities. How are those priorities different from what I am called to as a follower? What is distracting me from my true purpose?

If I am bored, I am doing something wrong.

Really wrong!

I find the biggest danger of our culture is distraction. There is so much to keep us from what really matters. We are lulled into complacency by so many distractions.

Technology, hobbies, sport, information, entertainment, all of these are not inherently bad, but they can use up too much of our time. They can derail us from what we should really be doing. It is a sly tactic of the enemy.  Unfortunately we are easy prey. These distractions can make us complacent about the priorities that should really be driving us. They make it all about us instead of about God, our spiritual family and those around us. Do you know why we are unhappy? Because life isn't meant to be all about me.

How do I put these things back into their proper place?

1. Look at what my time and money tell me are my real priorities.
2. Confess to God the things that have snuck in where they do not belong
3. Ask Him to renew me
4. Explore through listening prayer what God wants from me
5. Share it with someone who will check in with me for accountability
6. Do it.

If we really want to live, something has to change.
Do you really want to change?
What can you do?

Do You Have A Happy Place?

Do you have a happy place? A place you can't wait to get to? A place you can go to get away from the world?

When I was a little girl, my parents bought a lake lot. I was devastated. I thought we would never take a holiday again. I loved camping and holidaying as a family. I was sure if my parents bought this lake lot, all our money would be gone forever and we would never get away again. 

I was 9.

Cloudy or sunny, if it was 20 degrees we were there. Friends, water, fun. 

It was hard for me as a student to miss that family time out there when I started working. As a young Mom,  it was a refuge, a place my kids could play and be happy.  A boat makes an excellent safe space for little explorers. I could jump in there, visit with the adults on the dock and not have to run everywhere to save my toddlers from impending doom. It is where my parents patiently taught me to ski. Where we had the pleasure of watching our kids learn to wakeboard and ski. 

It has given us countless hours of fun with friends and family.  

Turns out that place I never wanted them to purchase has become my happy place. I am so thankful that they bought it, kept it, invested in it and have been crazy generous to us with it. I wait all winter for the days we can go relax and be there together.

It is my place to get away from work and our house. The dust doesn't demand to be dusted, the laundry doesn't niggle me to be laundered. The books don’t beg to be…booked???

It is where I love to be if I need to work things out. The splash of the waves, the rustle of the wind help to quiet me to get to the root of my unrest. 

I have mentioned that when I am hurt, my emotion of choice is anger. It is a red flag to me that all is not right in my world. It makes me step back and unpack everything to get to the route of my unrest.  The lake helps me get there faster. It takes me out of my space so I can't be distracted. It clears the clutter.

It is hard for me to face my hurt. I feel overwhelmed by it. Somehow in that peaceful place God can help me face it.  

In reality, God is my safe place. He gives me the courage to face my pain and not be overwhelmed by it. The lake just gives me space to hear his soft whisper. It sweeps away the noise so God can lead me through it.