Help I'm a Mom: No Black Sheep

Have you ever felt like the Black Sheep? No matter what you do, you can't just go with it, you need to challenge or fight? It is you against the world? Were your siblings the good ones?

Do you have a sibling who no matter the consequence had to go against the flow?  Do you know some one who has an innate need to fight the system? Were you the good one?

We were listening to a preacher, he talked about "good kids" in a family and immediately one of my children jokingly tapped the others on the arm.  It was wrapped in a smile and light-hearted on the surface. My heart hurt as I wondered to myself if that child felt like the "bad kid" a "black sheep". Does my deeply loved, adored child really feel like a bad kid? How have I failed?!?

A Warrior child is most at risk of the label. They may take on this black sheep mantle for a few reasons.

1. They recognize that they struggle to obey which results in family conflicts and can be confused about why it is so hard for them. 
2. They see their siblings obeying easily and feel bad because they struggle with that. 
3. Their siblings are often confused by their need to fight and wonder why their Warrior sibling can't just do what needs to be done. Frustration and disapproval can be communicated through words and body language.
4. A Warrior child sees less conflict in other family relationships and concluded they are bad for fighting. 
5. Things can be expressed during conflict that a Warrior child can misinterpret to mean they are bad.

Kid's naturally make comparisons even if we as parents don't. Even in spite of our discouragement of such behaviour, our Warrior child struggles to not compare themself to their siblings.

I talked to our child after that sermon to ask if they identify the self as the "bad kid".  They admitted though their behaviour was joking, there is a piece of them that feels that way. In spite of our affirmation, expressed love and acceptance, the fact that they need to fight and struggle to obey leaves them feeling bad.

We have tried so hard to assure our children that their differences are strengths, cherished and that we delight in them. We have tried to express love and unconditional acceptance, yet our child still felt like the black sheep. I assured our child again that we do not think of them as the bad kid. I expressed our joy and pride in who they were. Every part of them is treasured by us.

We have tried to avoid this self labeling a few ways

1. Our love for them is unconditional, we do not withdraw love because of behavior.
2. We affirm their strengths.
3. We try to help them understand that conflict isn't bad.
4. We are committed to fighting fair and check that our behaviour to others is in line with how we want to be treated.
5. We encourage the sibling to celebrate and value their differences and have grace on one another's weaknesses.
6. There are no bad kids, no black sheep, in this family. They are all made in the image of God and declared good.

Our Warrior has seen that aspect of their personality as bad, wrong. They have wished it wasn't part of them. While it can be challenging to guide, we love this part of our child. They are courageous, sure of their convictions, a leader and amazing. We have tried to affirm the Warrior in them, acknowledging that it is a piece of God's image.

I have prayed long and hard for God to change this child's view of this part of their character.  One day God asked me to start to pray a song over this child.  Right there in the lyrics was one of the answers to my hearts-cry for my child.

I’ve tried to win this war I confess
My hands are weary I need Your rest
Mighty Warrior, King of the fight
No matter what I face, You’re by my side

One day as we were driving together the Spirit nudged me to tell this child that God had called me to pray this song over them. That for months I had been praying this. I mentioned that the lyrics were Gods message. That God delighted in their Warrior heart because he is a Warrior. They don't need to fight on their own, He is with them in it.

I felt the Holy Spirit fill the car, my child's heart quieted and opened to hear. God spoke love, acceptance and healing into their heart and I got to witness it. It was one of the most beautiful moments I have had the delight of witnessing.

If you are a Warrior child, you are not a black sheep, you are a champion in training, made in the image of The Champion.

If you have a sibling who is a Warrior, guard yourself against resentment and frustration.  Ask God to help you see them as God sees them, try to be lavish with love, acceptance and grace as you desire to be treated in your areas of struggle.

If you are raising a Warrior, delight in their strength, will and tenacity. While they seem so confident, they often need a double dose of  encouragement, love and acceptance. God loves that part of your child and wants it affirmed, guided and cultivated. He has trusted you with that incredible task and will equip you for it.