The Fruit of The Spirit: Dichotomy

Do you have those moments when you are confronted by the difference between who you are and who you want to be?

Do you ever feel the tension of those two not being in alignment?

Does the dichotomy of who you want to be and who you really are just stop you dead in your tracks sometimes?

I feel this tension intensely. Marriage, parenting, my role as a Pastor's wife and now blogging all expose the disunion of who I am and who I desire to be.

I wonder if once people really get to know me, do they wonder why God would ever choose me to support a man called to ministry, or raise three kids, or blog? I know that my flawed humanness will disappoint. People who struggle with putting their leaders on pedestals will be disillusioned and disgusted when they see my sin and brokenness.

When I fail to meet their expectations or needs, I fear that I will represent Christ and the pursuit of Christ poorly. Will they deem me unworthy of grace? I know I cannot meet everyone's expectations. I do and will inevitably hurt, disappoint and disillusion those I seek to minister to.

As I blog, I am keenly aware that readers are forming opinions of me. The words I write can misrepresent my true self. Often they express my struggle to be the best version of myself, not my actual self. I am conscious that I may mislead people to think I have it all together and our family is perfect. What would readers think if they were a fly on my wall, seeing me at my worst? Would you read, or even want to know me if you saw the real me? If you saw me unfiltered?

As I was seeking God's guidance for what I should write about this year, he led me to the Fruit of the Spirit. It will be interspersed with other content. The Fruit of the Spirit will be one of the themes on Set Apart for More this year.

I was not surprised by this direction. I am looking forward to it in some ways and not in others.
I have been in that uncomfortable place of self-awareness. I am not as kind, loving, or gentle as I want to be. I want more of those good qualities. I want all of the fruit!!! I want more of God's characteristic traits to become my traits, to define and fill me. I want to be so full of the Fruit of the Spirit that they spill out of me onto others.

I have been struggling with who I am and who I want to be. The dichotomy between creating tension and dissatisfaction within me.

As I explore and wrestle with how I fall short, I will be tempted at times to hide my true self. I promise to fight that temptation.

I write with the goal of honouring my readers through authenticity and honesty. I will do my best to be true. I know that growth and the most powerful journeys of transformation happen when I am honest with myself and others. I ask of you, dear reader,  a willingness to extend grace to my weak and flawed soul.

Will you join me on this journey?