The One Who Wants To See Me Win

We can respond to God's guidance in different ways. We can accept the wisdom, or we can reject it. We can choose to interpret his guidance as oppressive and overbearing. Or we can recognize it as gracious, loving and merciful. We can stubbornly proceed in the direction we have chosen, or we can choose to divert to a more constructive option.

Ultimately God has given us a way to avoid the consequences of our sin. That is why Jesus came, lived a perfect life and died in our place. He conquered sin and death so we could have freedom and life. That was everything God could do on our behalf to keep us from the consequences we deserve.  He is waiting for us to accept that love and forgiveness. He is waiting for us to choose the win.

It is truly amazing how each time I read the scriptures, new truths grab my attention. As I started through the Bible again, within the first few chapters, something jumped out at me. I don't think I have noticed it before. Maybe I had noticed it, but it really struck me deeply this time.
The part that struck me this time is that God tries to warn Cain. "Sin is crouching at your door. It desires to dominate you, but you must subdue it." In the King James Version it is translated "you should rule over it."

The more I get to know the heart of God, I start to understand this better.  The more I take time to really understand who He is, I begin to recognize His boundaries, guidance, and instruction as love. The more I pursue relationship with my Creator, the more I see Him as the one who wants to see me win!

I came upon it in Genesis chapter 4 Cain is angry and downcast because God approved his brothers offering but was displeased with Cains'. When I read the narrative, it simply says Cain brought some of the fruit of the ground which was his area of work. With Abel, it specifically mentions that he brought some of the first born of his flock. Without doing any serious study, I can conclude that Cain's offering lacked thought. From what is missing in the description of Cain's offering, it seems he just grabbed whatever and presented it to The Lord. In comparison, Abel would have had to go, purposefully and thoughtfully to gather his offering.  He would have to go through the flock to gather the first born.

None of us likes to be shown up and perhaps especially by a sibling.  The Lord saw Cain and how he was responding.

Genesis 4: 6-7  "Then the Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry, and why is your expression downcast? Is it not true that if you do what is right, you will be fine? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at the door. It desires to dominate you, but you must subdue it.”

How often to I become hurt and angry when actually I got myself into the situation? How often do I behave like Cain?  How often do I choose poor reactions and instead of owning my behaviour, do I direct my frustration onto an innocent party?  Cain could have acknowledge that he had brought an unworthy offering, he could have recognized that he made a choice and  the consequence was his own fault.  Instead, he gets mad at his brother for doing what was right.  It is easy to identify the problem from an objective position, but how often do I actually do the very same thing and justify my attitude even though it is completely wrong?

God recognizes Cain is at risk of making a bad decision and tries to give him a heads up. I wonder if this struck me because of a situation we were facing as a family. One of our children was making choices we felt they were not ready for. We could see what was coming down the pike and it looked a lot like disappointment and pain.  We desperately wanted to guide our child away from such consequences but all we could do was caution, warn and journey with them as they made their choices.
I knew that is was going to hurt us as parents. I had absolutely no control of the situation but would definitely be impacted by it.  I wouldn't just get to watch events play out, I would be affected by it too. It would affect me because I love my child so incredibly much. When my child hurts, I hurt. When my child is disappointed, I am disappointed and my heart aches for them. When they have to experience the natural consequence of their choices, I feel pain and sorrow for them.  I do not delight in being proven correct in my prediction. I do not revel in them suffering the consequence we warned them of. I lose sleep because I know they are hurting and there is nothing I can do about it. I feel grief and wish like crazy that I could take the consequence instead of them

As I read this verse in the scriptures, I could identify with God's deep concern and love. I could hear God crying "Danger, run away!!!" I felt God's heart bursting with desperate love for Cain. God's desire for Cain to choose well was magnified for me by my desire for my own child to choose well.

I am beginning to understand in a new way how hard it is for God to allow us free will. The consequences of our choices do not only hurt us, God feels that pain deeply too.  He hurts with us because of his crazy, immense love for us. God is offering guidance to Cain and it is motivated by desperate loving kindness. He is trying to help Cain win. He was giving Cain a way to change the course. God is giving Cain the necessary tools to escape a bad decision.  As I read this, I don't see God shaking his head and pointing a finger. I see a loving Father trying respectfully to guide a dearly loved child.  I see a loving parent reading the road signs and trying to help avoid disaster, recognizing that the choice is ultimately up to the child. Giving us free will costs God. He is in the pain of our consequences with us.

1 Corinthians 10: 13 says "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it."

God doesn't have to warn us like he warned Cain. He doesn't have to provide a way out. He isn't obligated to give warning.  Out of his deep love for us, he offers an escape so we can avoid mistakes. He chooses to guide us. He does it because he wants to help us win. He wants us to avoid painful and difficult consequences. He does it because He loves us more than our finite minds can fathom.

God doesn't just leave us to the course of our human nature, He knows the struggles we face. He knows the weaknesses we have.  His desire is for us to rule over the thinking, situations, and choices that threaten to cause us to stumble. His hearts desire is to see us win.

A Few Things Raising Boys Has Taught Me

I love my boys. Don't get me wrong, they are as normal and flawed as any other kid out there. In spite of all that, they are amazing, fascinating, crazy beasts, and they have all of my heart.  I mentioned in an earlier post that I grew up with a sister.  I knew the world of girls intimately before becoming a mother. The world of boys, a strange foreign land with what appeared to be no rule book. We were delighted when we had our first son and again when we had our second. It was good. Right from the start the dynamic of their relationship was the source of much laughter and enjoyment. They are amazing guys.

They are as different from one another as any two kids could be. My favorite example of this is when I had a couple of bar stools that I needed to put together. My oldest asked me what was in the boxes and I was inspired. I told him that I needed them to put the bar stools together, they could start as soon as they were ready for school. They got ready in record time, ripped through their boxes and got started, one took everything out, looked at the picture and got to work, the other opened up the instructions and identified each piece and got to work. It was so fun for me to observe them, it turned into a friendly competition of who could finish the job first and they had fun teasing each other.  For the record my youngest finished first. This was an excellent victory for him. My oldest handled the defeat with his typical good nature, with a teasing tone and twinkle in his eye said, "yeah, but mine is better!". They are identical bar stools.

Venturing into the world of boys has taught me a few things, things I am glad to know. Raising these boys has enriched my life and made me a better person. It is a real privilege to be the mother of sons. Here are a few of the things I have learned.

 1. There is so much I don't know. From finding things in my home that I didn't know were there, to having to learn the function and name of every fascinating piece of machinery we encountered whether large or small to the tough questions they ask. For example, "What does the inside of a toaster look like anyway?"

 2. Anything can become a contact sport, including tooth brushing! This may result in holes in the wall that match the size of your children.  Don't worry, those moments make great stories in the end; however, if the consequence is not adequate, it may happen again, and maybe even again.

 3. Just because something was made for a specific purpose does not limit it's uses.  I was the Mom on the playground getting dirty looks from all the other Mom's. My boys were constantly challenging themselves physically and using equipment in non-traditional ways.  By the time I looked up from putting my gloves away, my boys could be in precarious situations, which brings me to my next point.

 4. If you stay calm everything is usually going to be okay, the last thing you want to do is gasp so that they stiffen and fall from where ever they are. If you stay relaxed, they do too.

 5. If they have gotten into a pickle, they deserve the chance to get themselves out of that pickle. I never intervene until I am asked for help.  Learning that they can not always undo what they have done teaches them foresight and what their limits are.

 6. They feel and care deeply. Their acts of compassion, forgiveness and love will melt your heart.

 7. Instructions are always open to interpretation and loop holes.  I have learned to be extremely specific.

 8. They learn best when they are allowed to move and release their energy.  Making them sit still will cause their brains to shut down.

 9. Success is making someone laugh. The clever use of humour is a worthy goal.

10. Buttons are fascinating. The buttons on your computer and television, as well as the "buttons" that get a reaction.  Consequences are worth it, if only you can make someone laugh or scream.

11. The body can make a myriad of different noises and all of them are funny, no matter how old the boys are. How can you not laugh when they dissolve into giggles when an inappropriate noise is inserted into an appropriate place in a conversation? They just wear you down over the years. However, there are effective strategies that teach socially appropriate behaviour and in due course, they will eventually become gentlemen.

12. They are born with the heart of a hero. They are usually content to let a girl handle herself until a line has been crossed. If that line is crossed, look out!  They will intervene to protect even if it means taking on a full grown man when they are only four years of age. Justice is important and if they find someone in a situation that is unfair, they will get involved no matter what the consequence.

This list is by no means exhaustive.  Raising boys has, and continues to be a grand adventure! It is an overwhelming task to care for and nurture the heart of a child who will become a man.  It is an incredible responsibility to celebrate their strengths and develop their weaknesses.  It is sobering when I think these boys will be responsible to love, care for, provide and lead a wife and family of their own one day. I am so honoured to be the mother of these two amazing sons.

I cherish the lessons my boys have taught me, I have much more to learn from these two creative souls. In the heart of my boys, I see the echo of their Maker.

Relentless Love

Our kids have always attended public school. Grade Eight Social Studies was interesting for each of them. In our system, that is the year they study Catholicism, the Crusades, Islam as well as other events of History. The history books present a clear bias, some teachers have also been very biased in their presentation of the facts. It has been very interesting for us as parents to walk each of our kids through this history of "Christianity". For each of them it has been a time to evaluate their faith, observe the reactions of others and seek clarity. It seems if people claim to do things that hurt others in the name of God, it justifies their actions. I guess if you hurt others in the name of God, you consider yourself blameless.  This is not so.  A lot of evil was done in the name of God to hide political motivations for land and power, just as ISIS is now doing great evil in the name of the one they follow, again for political motivations related to land and power. In history this diversion has been effective, the world sees the actions of a few and assume they represent the whole, not only is a religion blamed, but God's name is dragged through the mud and sullied.

I am always interested to see how each child responds to these classroom situations. Their responses were different according to their unique personalities, but there were also common threads. Each of our kids were angry that people would do such hateful things in the name of God. In their own way, they were so frustrated by the bias which misrepresented the facts. They were bewildered by the lack of logic applied when the Church and Christianity were discussed and began to understand the power of emotion when interacting with information.  They realized that they too needed to avoid the pitfall of emotion when trying to evaluate information critically.

I am always grieved at the pain that is evident in their teachers or classmates remarks. Many must have experienced hurt from "The Church" or from people who claim to follow God. It is the only way I can interpret their words of hate and anger.  I often wonder what went wrong? What happened to them to cause such animosity?  It causes me to evaluate my own life, thoughts and actions and what I do that might misrepresent the great love God has for each one He created.

I have been mulling over the words in John 3:16-17 "For God loved the world so much that he gave his only Son so that anyone who believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. God did not send his Son into the world to condemn it, but to save it."

If you spent time in Sunday School or Bible camp, you probably know verse sixteen well. I absolutely love Kyle Idlemans' description of it in his book GODS AT WAR: Defeating The Idols That Battle For Your Heart. In chapter three he writes "and then God, in the deepest and most startling expression of his relentless pursuit, sends his own Son. God is back and this time it is personal-not that it hasn't always been for him. But now God has put everything on the line. He has given his one and only Son. Being God, and knowing all things, he knew exactly how it would come out. He knew about the arrest, the unfair trial, the beating, the mocking, the crucifixion.The event of the coming of Jesus represents just how far God is willing to go to win your heart. He had to make a choice, a choice between your heart and the life of his Son."

Astonishing. God went to these great lengths for us. Yet somehow the world has missed this message of love.

Verse seventeen is the verse that has really been stuck in my mind. God did not send his Son into the world to condemn it, but to save it. Condemn is defined in the Oxford Dictionary as a verb, to express complete disapproval. I think this scene from the movie How to train you Dragon sums it up for me. Stoick is addressing his son who doesn't quit fit the Viking ideal.

Stoick: This is serious, son. When you carry this axe, you carry all of us with you. Which means, you walk like us, you talk like us, and you think like us. No more of... this! 
[gestures to all of Hiccup]
Hiccup: [miffed] You just gestured to all of me. 

Even though God did not intend condemnation, complete disapproval is what many expect from those of us who know and love God in a personal way.  I am guessing it is because it is what many have experienced.

Craig and I try to keep what he does for work a mystery when we are meeting new people.  We don't want them to know he is a Pastor until they are comfortable with us and know us a little. Initially, when they find out where he works and what he does, their eyes go wide and they stiffen up. Their speech gets stilted, conversation dies off and things get uncomfortable. Usually they are doing a mental replay of all our conversations to remember how often they have said a swear word or if they have behaved in a way they think we might find inappropriate. Things get awkward for a while until either, they can't keep up the "good behaviour" or maybe they realize that we accept them for who who they are.We desperately hope it is the latter!

I am evaluating my life and trying to figure out how I need to love better. How I need to love as Jesus loved.  How can I make sure the message of God's pursuit of people and His immense love is communicated instead of condemnation?  If amazing unconditional love is what I have received, how can I live in a way that communicates that to others?

We who have received the fullness of God's love are the ones responsible for sharing it with others.  I don't know about you, but I know I am inadequate for this task. I am broken, selfish, flawed. I make mistakes and know that I misrepresent the love of God.  It is a good thing I am not supposed to show the world a perfect person, but a perfect God who relentlessly loves imperfect people. 

How Did I Get Here?

Something went public this week that I have tried to  keep quiet for a long time. I found it difficult and strange and, well, it made my stomach hurt.  First, some back story.

We have been leading a small group for young adults for the last number of years. It has been a highlight of our week to be involved with this age group.  They have become dear friends!

A few years back, one of our members was a first year Medical student.  In the spring, she asked if I would mind going down to the Fire Pit with her class to put on an evening for women who live on the street. They needed more Hairstylists. The Fire Pit is a drop in centre for street people, they offer a meal and many other services to meet the needs of this demographic in our community. 

I was non-committal at first; hoping that our kids schedule would keep me from being available.  As the date came closer and closer, I realized I was wide open, no conflicts.  I looked at my husband and said "If I am going to live authentically for God and live by example with these Young Adults, I have to say yes, I have to go!". My tone was possibly a little more panicked than you imagined in your mind. He just laughed at me and gave me a hug.

You may be thinking all sorts of things about why I didn't want to go.  Honestly, it was simply fear.  I didn't know what to expect, how to interact. I felt ignorant about their lives and culture. I didn't want to offend or say something wrong. I am naive of the world they survive in and it scares me.  Basically, I am a chicken.

The evening turned out to be amazing. Loads of laughter and easy conversation.  I enjoyed the patrons humour and banter.  I was surprised at how easy and comfortable it was. The evening flew by and I was surprised by how much I had enjoyed the whole experience.  

More than once I heard "I have never had my hair cut by a professional before!".  I was astonished. That was something I had always taken for granted.  My Mom had cut our hair for years, but as soon as we were twelve, we were allowed to get our hair done in the salon. It was a treat for sure.  I had just never considered that there were some who had never had that experience.  I looked around at all these lovely smiles. Women who were feeling good about themselves, who loved their hair.  They were enjoying getting their nails painted by the medical students and having their make up applied.  It was so great to be a part of it. I felt safe in the group and felt comfortable in my element of hair styling.

As the weeks went on, I realized I had been profoundly impacted by that evening.  I couldn't forget the words I had heard or the smiles I had seen.  I felt God pressing it on my spirit to do something. I knew what He wanted from me, but I was resisting.  I was still scared.

After six weeks of God pursuing me about going down to the Fire Pit, I mentioned it to Craig one day. He responded very enthusiastically. Then he saw my face and realized I was still struggling with it.  He was gracious and gave me some time to work it out.  

Finally, a few weeks later, I said in exasperation "I can't bear it any more, how do I do this?" Craig just laughed at me. I could tell he was thinking "It's about time!!"  He is so great, he came with me to meet with the managers and we worked out a plan. I knew God was asking me to give them the full deal. For this to fully express His love for His people, I needed to give them the full salon experience if they wanted it. That was very important. We looked for equipment to purchase and talked with the team at the Fire Pit about what would best work. I was encouraged by their enthusiasm, that really helped to grow my courage. 

I new that I would have limited time on the afternoons I spent there. Having someone to shampoo clients would be essential. I love getting a shampoo/massage at my hair appointments. I wanted to be able to offer that without feeling rushed. Having someone to help would allow for that luxury, it would also speed the process and maximize our time.  I wanted to see how a few of my clientèle would respond.  Through sharing with a few people, word got to a woman in our Congregation who was already volunteering at The Fire Pit.  She approached me one Sunday to see if I was open to her joining me. What an awesome answer to prayer!! She was already familiar with The Fire Pit. I felt so much more relaxed having someone there with me who was comfortable, known and could help it run more smoothly. Also, a key part of her role was to be there to keep me calm, I was so nervous!!

I reached out to a number of people who I thought might want to partner with me in prayer.  This is such an essential part of this ministry. I cannot adequately express how powerful this is. There simply are not words. Perhaps this story will help. The one time I forgot to connect with my prayer people, I was terrified the whole day. The atmosphere was agitated and hostile. fights were breaking out amongst the patrons repeatedly. I was threatened by one of the older men, he was threatening to take me out back, beat me and kill me if I didn't cut his hair next. He glared at me from across the room the whole afternoon until management got involved. I wish I was joking, but I am not. These are people living in desperate ways, they have to be tough to survive. Every time I have had my prayer people behind me, the atmosphere has been calm and while I may be nervous, I am never afraid. Without their support, I would not have the courage to go and do this work. Without them, this would not be happening. If you would like to be part of that team, please message me your email and I will add you.

This year in May, it will be the start of my fourth year. It has been amazing and I have grown to love it. I am honoured that the patrons trust me to listen to them and cut their hair the way they want. I am amazed that they allow myself and my "Amazing Shampoo Lady" to touch them. If I had gone through what many of them have, I am not sure I would. I am glad to see the smiles and hear the murmurs of "oh it's hair cut day" as we bring the Salon to the Fire Pit. I am humbled by their gratitude, by the sparkle in their eye and their satisfaction.

I put off the TV interview for at least sixteen months. Finally, when the managers expressed that they were hoping it would cause others to realize how easy it is to help out, I gave in.

To be honest, and I am not proud of this, but if it was up to me, I would not be at the Fire Pit.  If I was in charge of my own life, I would not have ended up volunteering there. It is not a natural choice for me. I am more inclined to rock babies or lead programs for children. My husband did street ministry for years and I never joined him in it. I always had the excuse that I needed to stay home with the kids. Part of why this story going public makes my stomach hurt is because I am not awesome, I am not amazing. I am just a normal person.  I was reluctant, I was frightened and I was looking for a way out of this. Craig found this so funny. He really got a kick out of God calling me where I would never have gone on my own.

That is why the comments of how great a thing this is cause my stomach to hurt. If it weren't for God, I wouldn't be there. Without my prayer people and "Amazing Shampoo Lady", none of this would happen. It is not me who is amazing, but God and the team He surrounded me with!

Why did I do it? Why did I follow God to a place I would never go on my own?

1. I did it because I have learned that where God wants me is where I experience fullness of life. It is exhilarating to be doing what God wants me to do. It has been amazing to step out in faith and watch Him work.

2. I chose to obey because I have learned that I miss out on learning more about God when I do not cooperate with Him. I have learned more of His deep compassion and love for all people. Even more so, the depths of mercy and grace he has shown me that I do not deserve.

3. I have learned that when I go where God guides me, I am changed by it in deep and profound ways. Always for the better. I have grown to love those I work with deeply, to have an immense respect for them. I have gained a deeper understanding of the world they live in and survive.

4. I chose to surrender to God because I want to live my faith authentically before my children and those we work with at church. I need to lead by example or else my faith is just empty words. 

5. I made a commitment long ago that I wanted to follow God, not just in the ways that are easy for me. A true follower goes everywhere the leader takes them, not just to the comfortable places.  

6. I chose to obey because I prayed that God would help me love like He loves. If I don't allow him to teach me, I will never learn. I never learn when I stay comfortable.

7. I went because I am too weak to fight Him.  I am miserable when I am disobedient. I miss out on His good gifts, my disobedience builds a barrier between Him and I. My spirit suffocates and feels dry like the desert when I put distance between us.

8. I chose to follow God in this because I am an average girl with an average skill. When I join God in His work, I get to be part of something extraordinary. Something bigger than me. The impact is far deeper than a good feeling because of a good hair cut.

9. I don't want to stay safe. I don't want my fear to dictate my choices, I want my faith in a big powerful God to dictate my choices. I want to take risks and show my kids how to do the same. I want to live in a way that shows them God is alive and active. I want to show them that life is about stepping out into new territory and share with them what God has done through it.

How did I get here? By following the one I trust with my life. He makes the journey on this earth an amazing adventure!

In John 10:10 Jesus says "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."
Following where He leads me is having life to the full!

More Than I Deserve -Part Two

We needed a house, we were now clear on what we were looking for and honestly, neither of were sure that what we needed was available. I was feeling emotionally stretched!

The following Sunday, my Dad told us that he had talked to a gentleman at church. An elderly couple who we knew from our congregation were no longer in the position to care for themselves at home.  He and Dad went to talk to the husband and had been given permission to take us on a tour through the home.

We stepped in the front door and almost immediately knew this would be our new home.  It was modest and simple. We asked our questions as we looked around.  There was a carport, an en suite. There was new roof, a few years old.  As we went into the back yard which was spacious and southern facing, we saw a great huge garden. There in the back corner was the biggest Saskatoon bush I had ever seen in my life!

You can imagine our shock as we saw all the needs checked off the list. Even more so as we continued to check off all of our listed wants.  Not one thing was missing. Not one single thing.  It wasn't perfect, there was work to be done, updating. Even so, clearly, this was the home for us.

A phone call was made to their eldest son saying that we were interested.  They phoned back with a price that was close to what we had prayerfully decided.  Craig and I talked about an offer, higher than our previously agreed price. I was a little worried of offending.  On the phone, Craig lowered the offer while my eye's went big. What was he doing? I was afraid they would reject it. You can imagine our shock when the son said that what Craig had offered was exactly what they had hoped to get. Honestly, I just about fell over. Even writing this out I get goose bumps.

We moved in on a day where -28 was the high.  Windy cold, exhausted.  It had been an emotional ride, so many ups and downs. It was overwhelming in many ways.  I felt all those things again.

I was thrilled about our new home and it's potential.
I was grateful, so very grateful.  We could have both my parents and more for dinner without the threat of the house bursting at the seams.
I felt undeserving.  There were many more people in the world in greater need than I. We were not in need at all really.  I truly didn't feel I deserved it.
I was overwhelmed. This was more than I expected.  At first, I had fully expected God to protect the youth of our old neighbourhood.  If he could add in changing the man's life, moving him out of our city or moving us off the street, it would be a bonus. I didn't expect all three things to happen.  I trusted God to provide for our modest needs, I never expected him to give us everything on our list of wants.  He didn't have to, but it didn't stop Him from doing it.

About a week into our new home, I had this dream about what our home could look like.  There was a wall knocked out a computer station in the kitchen with cupboards all around it, and an island where our kids could eat snacks and do their home work.  It was beautiful.  I told Craig about it in the morning and jokingly called it the 25 year plan.  After all, we already had more than we deserved.  I couldn't ask for more.  I was a little sad, can you believe it? Yup, that is how selfish I am, I am ashamed to admit it. I loved the idea of the computer being central in an open space for easy access for homework and help. The kids congregating around the island would be such a nice reality.  It was a major renovation. I couldn't ask for more. So I tucked the dream away and started working on small changes. Painting the kitchen cabinets.  Making it feel like ours.  I was content truthfully. It was a great location, the school was across the street, Craig's work at the end of the block. The yard was fantastic and we could have families over again.  It was such a gift.

The second winter being in our new home, our church had a building program planned. Craig and I prayed separately about what we should set aside to give to the project. We believed in it. We needed better space for children's programs in summer.  We came together at the end of a week and shared what we thought we ought to give. Our ideas were close and we decided to go with the higher amount. We pledged to give that amount.  At that time our two oldest children were diagnosed with Asthma. About a month later I started stripping the wall paper in the living room. Under the living room windows there was black mould.  Overwhelmed and discouraged and stripped the hall and then started in the bathroom. There was black mould again.  Knowing that this was a health risk for our kids, but feeling particularly strapped because of the financial commitment we had made to the church we started praying about what to do.

The obvious choice would be to take back our pledge.  Neither of us felt good about that option. God had known about this trouble before we had uncovered it. We felt he had led us to give that amount, so we decided to remain firm on it.  We prayed about what to do about the mould in our home.

Four months later we got a call from Craig's parents at six o'clock in the morning.  The time of the morning you expect to hear really bad news.  Instead it was Craig's Dad saying that one of his Uncles had wanted to gift his nieces and nephews with a generous amount of money. How does one even respond to that?

I am sure we walked around for a week fully shocked. The amount given would not only allow us to take care of the health issues that had arisen. But that dream, with the island and the computer in the kitchen and the wall knocked out? It would accomplish that too. Not just that, but even more.  I couldn't believe it. God hadn't just provided for our needs. He once again had looked after our wants. More than we would have had the boldness to ask Him for.

I had felt undeserving and overwhelmed before. I didn't even know what I felt now.

Through this experience, this gift of so much more than I deserve. I learned a few things.

1. Thanksgiving and gratefulness are good. Having a thankful attitude is proper and appropriate.

2. I really am undeserving, yet somehow it delights God to give good gifts.

3. When I ask in faith, I should be prepared to be overwhelmed. I didn't even bother asking God to give us the dream, I felt too guilty. Yet He did it anyway. He is way bigger than what I can imagine. God's ways don't make sense. So ask. Ask in faith and expect big things.  Expect more than you thought was possible.

He hasn't always given us what we asked for, we asked for healing for our child and were denied. I want that much more than I wanted a new home with a new kitchen and bathroom.  I didn't get that answer, I am still thankful, I still know I am undeserving, I am still overwhelmed. Even in denying us that answer, God has given more in that situation than we could have dreamed to ask Him for.

4. God cares about the details.  He didn't have to give me a Saskatoon bush that was 50 times bigger than the little one I had rescued from my parents property.  But he did.  He didn't overlook a single detail from our needs or our wants. He cared about the details, all of the details, he didn't forget a single thing.

It has all been more that I deserve!

More Than I Deserve - Part One

On the first day of this year I won a draw.
Me. I won.
I have never won anything that was valuable.
I have never won anything that I really wanted.
I haven't won more than three times in my life.
Honest!

I won these gorgeous paintings. Not one, but two. Two amazing paintings.
They are beautiful! I am so excited.

I felt a lot of different emotions about this win.
I was thrilled.
I felt grateful. So thankful.
I felt undeserving. I hadn't done anything to win. Not really. All I had to do was participate in three small steps. It hardly took me any time at all. It didn't cost me anything.
I was overwhelmed. I probably won't quite grasp it until they are on my wall.
Someone jokingly, maybe jokingly, accused the Artist of rigging the draw. I get that. Other people probably needed them more. Were more deserving. But I was picked. Me. It really doesn't seem right.

I remember the last time I felt this way.

Fourteen years ago, at the end of summer, we welcomed our third child into our family. We had three children, three years of age and under. We were living in a small duplex at the time. The first home we had ever bought.

It was a tight fit. I used to joke that we could have my Mom or my Dad for dinner but, both would split the house at the seams. It was very, let's say, cozy.

That spring a new family came to rent a house on our cul de sac. As the weeks went on, I told Craig I thought the man was a drug dealer. He sat around in a bath robe on his front steps. Small groups of teenagers started dropping by his house. They would walk down the pathway and smoke weed behind our fence. I would have to quickly usher our kids into the house.

I was so frustrated, our neighbours were dispatchers and they were busy reporting incidents. I felt angry that just to make a dollar, this man manipulated kids into poor choices and consequences they couldn't comprehend. I felt afraid for those who were yet to be targeted. So I started to pray. I prayed for those who had been roped in and those who would be next.

Then I added onto my prayer. I asked God to either change that man's life, move him out of my town or move us out of our house.

Morning, noon and night, I would pray. As I looked out my kitchen window and see what was going on. I would pray when I had to scurry my children back into the house. I would pray when I saw kids strolling over to his house. I prayed and he bought a limousine.

Six months later I saw them get a visit from some very official looking people. A while later, I noticed that he was leaving the house at the same time, dressed and coming home 8 hours later. Amazed, I told my husband that I thought the neighbour had gotten a job. I was shocked. But, I still had to hurry my kids out of the back yard frequently.

I kept praying, change his life, move him out of our town, or move us out of our house.

Another six months after that, we got news that they were leaving, going back to where they came from.
Wow! I was amazed and thankful. So thankful.

In the mean time, our kids had continued to grow and I was feeling very cramped in our little home.

I kept praying the same things. Grateful he was no longer a threat to the kids in our neighbourhood.

At the end of summer, I asked Craig if he was open to listing our home regardless of the previous answers to prayer. He was not keen, but thought about it for a while.  A week later he said he thought it would be okay to list the house. We prayed about what we could accept as a lowest offer and approached a Realtor.

It was exhausting and challenging keeping the house ready to show. The kids were now 4, 2 and 1. Thank goodness our daughter was so helpful in tidying and our 2 year old loved to join her in anything she did. Even though he may have taken toys out while she was putting toys away, he was happy and safe, not climbing cupboards. I would put the youngest on my back and we would tidy up and go play at the park.  We had many showings but, no interest.  Our Realtor worked hard for us, but lets face it, as good as our reno's were, why buy a duplex when you could get a house? Even with fresh flowers and baking going, it was a hard sell. That was my fear even when we purchased it. The three months ran out and our house came off the market. No offers made.

In my mind, it was a long shot. I was discouraged. I felt trapped. I was worried we would never be able to sell. On the other hand, God had answered all but one of my prayers. He had protected the kids in our neighbourhood. He had worked to change the life of that neighbour and he had moved them out of our city. I never expected him to grant all my petitions. It seemed greedy. I was praying for either/or, not for all.

I set my mind to accepting that we were staying put. The best thing to do was be content.

Two weeks later, after our house was off the market, our Realtor came back with an offer.

Talk about emotional whip lash!! We couldn't believe it. It was the offer we needed.

December was full of preparing for Christmas and birthdays, packing up a house and madly looking for a new one. There was not much on the market that was in our price range. We were determined not to become house poor. We would not move up in our purchase price.  Again, we had agreed to what we could afford and we prayed hard about it.

My problem is I am a dreamer. I can walk into a house, and if it has "good bones", I can see it's potential is.  I am not always realistic about how much it will cost or how much work it will take.

My husband's strength is, he can do the work, he knows how much it will cost and how much time it will take.  He knew what kind of work load we could handle and kept my feet on the ground.  That was not an easy task, I am persistent and get very caught up in the vision of what can be.

I love taking an old home and making it new. I love recreating rather than starting from scratch. I enjoy the challenge of working with existing limits and making it work, maximizing it's potential. Envisioning what it can become.

I haven't quite developed the skill set to do the major work and with 3 kids keeping me busy, I wasn't likely to.  The major part of Reno's, removing walls, gutting bathrooms, land in Craig's department. The poor guy already has a job that is more than full time.

It felt like we had looked at one thousand houses. Clearly we hadn't. But even if we had the option to see that many homes, it felt like the right one wasn't out there. Nothing appeared that we both agreed on.  We were feeling very discouraged and pressured about our limited time frame. Mom suggested that we make a list of what we felt were reasonable needs and then an additional list of what we would love, our wants.  She figured, with that list, we would have an easier time knowing the house when we saw it.

Our list was modest. Craig want a location that was close to his work. Three bedrooms up, around 1100-1200 square feet, a new roof.  The basics really. Our wants included a decent back yard, green belt, a carport, en suite and a Saskatoon berry bush. The previous summer, I had rescued a bush from my Mom and Dad's lake lot.  We had snacked on it every year while playing in the water since I was 9. The shore line was eroding and threatened to destroy the bush. I had rescued and replanted it in our back yard, the back yard of the house we had just sold. I was sad to leave it behind.

To be honest, I felt guilty wanting a bigger house. It felt an awful lot to ask given that 80% of the world, maybe even more, had less than me. I felt even more guilty for adding wants to my list of needs. I wasn't sure how to ask for so much!

Bitter-sweet

When my middle child was 8, he enthusiastically stated "I can't wait for 2015!!"
Surprised and caught off guard I asked him "What is so special about 2015?"
"I get to DRIVE!!" he said with glee.

Here it is 2015.

My best word to describe this year is bitter-sweet.

Bitter- sweet.

It captures parenting and, well, all of life rather well I think.

My sweet boy was right, he will be behind the wheel of a car this year.  Crazy!!

Sweet, he is going to be learning a new skill & growing in independence. I love who he is and who he is becoming.  He is really something.

Bitter, we have a few short years to enjoy him in our home. And he is fun!!

18 years ago, on New Years day, I was on bed rest. We were eagerly anticipating the birth of our first child. She wasn't due for another 2 weeks but I was toxic and clearly my symptoms were increasing. My nose was even retaining water! And that my friends, is why there will be no pregnancy pictures posted here. With my bulbous, red shiny nose, I looked like a drunk pregnant single mother to be. Yes, I definitely could not wear my wedding ring. And there was no helping the nose!!

Back then, Ultra Sounds were not standard. We had seen no image of our baby, we had only heard the heart beat. How I loved the sound of that heart beat.  This little one was active, but gentle & had hiccups daily.

I remember feeling very unprepared for parenthood.  Soon after finding out we were expecting, I remember telling God that it had been a long time since I had looked after a baby.  Babies were scary enough, if he could just let it be a girl, I would be okay.  You see I had grown up with a sister. Having being married to my husband for 5 years, I was pretty sure I wasn't prepared to parent a boy. I was really hoping to start on ground that was a little familiar. I thought I could handle starting with a girl.

She arrived 10 days early.  6 pounds 10 ounces.  A girl. Thank you Lord, a girl.  She came fast and furiously. One and a half hours from start to finish.  She didn't cry right away.  When we got to hold her, she seemed so fragile.  She gazed at her new surroundings with enormous eye's.

She let us know quickly what she didn't like. She was spirited right from the get go. She hated being swaddled.  Her little face would crumple, turn bright red and she would wail. With me being so tall and she being so small, she had a lot of wiggle room in my womb. She liked freedom.  All of a sudden the movement I felt carrying her made sense.  She liked to put her hands behind her head, elbows out, and she would pull her little feet up to her bottom and let her knees fall apart.  My stomach would pop at four corners and there was my answer as to how it could do that. She liked to be sung to. She enjoyed being rocked. She didn't like slow sad songs. She liked to be upright so she could see and she liked being gently patted on the back. We were head over heals in love with her.

I am at risk of making her sound perfect as I write this. She is!!! Well okay,  she is not.  But, she is dearly loved. She has always has been a treasure.  I knew quickly as sweet as she was that I had my hands full. She was very inquisitive, busy and determined.  I was completely stopped short when as a 6 months old I was trying to keep her from danger. I scooped her up and she proceeded to look me in the eye and holler in frustration. She looked me straight in the eye and screamed right at me. I couldn't believe it!  She was so angry I wouldn't let her do what she wanted to. I remember staring back at her shocked and speechless. I was so startled. All I could think to do was take her to her crib. As I left the room, she bellered her protest and I quickly phoned my Mom. We have had many moments like this one through the years, less hollering, but still firm expressions of disagreement.

It has been fun watching this little one grow.  When learning to walk, she fell down a hill at a park. She trucked back up to the top and ran down until she could do it with out falling. I observed with fascination. At 2, she saw a 5 year old working hard to colour in the lines.  My little girl sat at her kindergarten table for 10 days straight. Every waking moment spent colouring furiously until she mastered staying in the lines. Well, she did break to do laps around the house to blow off steam. If it was important to her, she would work at it until she accomplished it.

She loved books and language.  This little one would not say the word "Grandma" because we were all working so hard to get her to. When we were all distracted and visiting, she decided it was time. She found her platform, the back door step at my parents house. She loudly and proudly announced,  "Grandma",  all the while enjoying our surprise and delight. She was keen to learn and try new words.  I knew it would be tricky to wear her out so we enrolled in gymnastics early. I knew she would love the activity because she was already using my living room to that end. By five, she was asked to try the competitive program and she rose to the challenge.

As she has grown, we have marvelled at her work ethic. Her interest in academics and sports. She is clever and capable. She has great common sense. Knowing she would be too tall for gymnastics and for a few other reasons, we chose to withdraw her from that sport before injuries occurred.  She was on board. We started introducing her to other sports. She became very passionate about volleyball. We love watching her grow and learn as an athlete.

She is a loyal friend who always assumes the best of others.  She is thoughtful, witty and independent. She is respectful, cooperative and loving. She has an incredible ability to look at different aspects of an idea and value a variety of perspectives. She is strong and knows her mind.  She is determined and relentless. 

I really love who she is and who she is becoming!!

Sweet!!

The bitter part is, as they grow we parents go through a series of lessons on how to let go.  It is bitter when this life bumps and bruises them, when it knocks them down and you have to walk them through it.

It is sweet when they choose well. Choose to overcome the pain. To let God use it for good in their life.

This year she graduates. I am less enthusiastic about 2015 than my wonderful son.  It means some big transitions ahead for our family.

She is leaving for college. A chance to be more independent, pursue volleyball at a higher level. A chance to learn more about herself and embrace what God has for her. A chance to try new things, make mistakes, see how God redeems them.  This part is sweet. So very sweet!!

It is bitter. So very bitter. I often joke that I haven't made a meal by myself in 5 years. I am not sure I know how to any more. This dear one always pipes up "do you need some help Mom?"

Training the boys to do this is not going to be as simple as that!

It is going to mean we don't get to enjoy her sweet company everyday. Or watch her play ball.  It means there will be one less person at the dinner table for a few months at a time. One less dear one, to join in the banter, offer witty and smart comments. Once less insightful perspective when we talk about the Bible and other topics.  I don't get to see her beautiful face, look into her enormous astounding eyes everyday and give her a hug goodnight.

That is bitter.
So very, very bitter.

I can't wait to see what God has for her. It is going to be a sweet ride. I know for her, there is uncertainty, fear of making mistakes, a feeling of anticipation mixed with a complete and utter feeling of being overwhelmed.  Wouldn't it be great to be 18 and feel all that angst again?

She doesn't know what we who have gone through it know. That the journey is the sweet part, with all the ups and downs. That the mistakes are so very valuable and help us learn so much. That God can always redeem them. Even though they leave their mark on us, mistakes help shape us and are an important part of our story. You can't get through life without a few mistakes. We are human after all. She doesn't know it is all going to come together and she is going to be OK. She doesn't know what is going to happen and hasn't quite embraced that, really, that is part of the fun.

It is going to be sweet.

Oh, so sweet.

So with that, I welcome 2015.