Forgiveness Part 4: What If The One Who Wronged Me Does Not Confess?

Being human can be so hard sometimes. It is so awful that we hurt one another willfully and accidentally. We fail one another repeatedly and that is why a good, thorough, Biblical understanding of forgiveness is so necessary.

The pattern of forgiveness we have looked at in the previous posts has been based on God's model and the call to forgive as he has forgiven us. God does this perfectly whereas we as humans mishandle it. In human hands, it can break down at any point.

Often it is confession that trips us up. Being masters of rationalization, we excuse our behavior and talk ourselves out of the need to own our behavior. We fail to properly apologize. The saying "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." rings true in this situation. You may not have intended hurt but your actions caused hurt. To own it and not put that on another is emotionally healthy. It is the difference between "I am sorry I hurt you." (owning it) and " I am sorry you were hurt by what I did." (not owning it and making their hurt their problem).

What happens when Confession doesn’t happen?

Scripture tells us that before we confess and repent, we are enemies of God

(Romans 5:7-10).  However, even while we were his enemies he loved us.Similarly, people who have wronged us have placed themselves against us. They are now our enemy.

Jesus gave specific direction to his followers on how to treat our enemy.

Matthew 5:43-44
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’  But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,

“But I say to you, love your enemies.” How are we to love?  "Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets" (Matthew 7:12).

When someone fails to confess, they have placed themselves against us. They have become in a way, our enemy. Our human reaction to this is to hate, seek revenge, hope the worst for them. This is not how God handles us when we are his enemy. He sent Jesus to bridge the gap and make a way back for us, he sought our best and yet, while we are in that position of enemy, there are boundaries. We do not get to enjoy reconciliation or the fullness of his presence. If we follow God's example, we love our enemy, pray for them, and continue to treat them the way we would want to be treated.

This means we do not give in to behavior we ourselves do not want shown to us. We do not hate, seek revenge or give into the desires of our human nature. Instead we recognize that we have also hurt and wronged others. We recognize that as I desire grace from God and others, I will extend grace to others. We recognize it is not our right to seek payment. God will avenge if he deems it necessary (Leviticus 19:18, Romans 12:19-21). He will hold us accountable. I release my need for this and acknowledge that it is God’s right (Romans 14:12; Hebrews 4:13).

To have someone ignore the step of confession breaks the relationship. We are left with pain that has no resolution. When an offense goes unrecognized, it is often harder to sort through the devastation, hurt and anger and come to a place where we are not consumed by bitterness and rage.

We can find healing, validation and comfort that our pain is acknowledged by our Lord (Psalm 147:3) and that Christ has experience life on earth. He has been betrayed, he experienced grief and abandonment first hand. He was slandered. He suffered at the hands of men. He knows. Yet he demonstrated praying for his enemies.  “Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34).

It is in prayer for our enemy that God softens our hearts. He uses our faithfulness in prayer for those who have wronged us to feel love instead of hate, mercy instead of bitterness and grace in place of revenge. Through prayer God helps us release it. The result for our soul is freedom, the same as if we forgave someone who had repented. Through prayer he brings us to a place where we are ready to forgive as he is always ready to forgive. He enables us to release the outcome to him without cheapening forgiveness and it’s requirements.

This takes time, is often a cyclical process of working through the steps of grief. It is important to find safe people who will give you space and time to feel what you feel, understand, give a listening ear and be patient with you. People who will let you travel with gentle encouragement, compassionate insight when you hit a roadblock and who have a commitment to stick with you giving you hope that you will reach the other side.

The other side is when there is confession with no repentance. Change takes time. this is a little trickier to navigate. It the sin is repetitive, there has to be some protection for the one being consistently hurt. People who say sorry yet fail to change are dangerous. You need to protect yourself.

When confession and repentance have not occurred, we set up boundaries. Boundaries keep us from unnecessary harm. God’s boundary is that we do not have communion with him when we have not recognized him as Lord (1 John 3:10).  When people sin against us and do not  follow the biblical model of repentance, we set limits that are appropriate. This creates safety, communicates that a transgression has occurred that needs to be addressed and is very appropriate.

Dr. Henry Cloud is consistently publishing helpful articles on how to navigate this road. While he and I define forgiveness differently, he has steps to help clarify the boundaries. Help from a strong social support is essential as you set these boundaries. They will be challenges, you may be bullied or made to feel that you are unreasonable. You will start to doubt yourself and the steps you have taken to protect yourself.

This is how we seek to live in accordance with God’s example. This is how we forgive as God forgave us.  This is how we seek to live when others sin against us and do not follow the biblical model laid out by God. it is difficult and costs us, yet there is a way to wholeness even when it breaks down. God is enough for this, he can move us through to releasing it to him and trusting him with the outcome. He is big enough.

Forgiveness Part 3: How do we live this out?

Forgiveness is hard to extend. It is also hard to confess. This process costs us. It takes humility and grace. It means we risk being hurt again. Yet, these are the basic actions required to live in healthy relationships together. We are commanded in Luke 17:3-4 to forgive one another as God forgave us.  In the previous two post we have explored a couple of Biblical models for what God requires for forgiveness.

An overview:

Confession (1 John 1:9). Offering forgiveness without confession occurring does not follow the biblical model. God requires that we confess our sin to him in order to forgive our sin. To forgive others as God forgives us therefore, requires confession.

Confession defines what we are repenting from and provides a framework for what restitution is appropriate. Without confession, how do you move to repentance? What are you repenting from? Without confession, how do you make restitution? What are you making restitution for? Confessing is naming our wrong doing with Gods language. I lied, I cheated, I used my anger wrongly, I was selfish. It is important to name it what God calls it, identifying what we have done.

Repentance is turning from our previous action and developing a new pattern. It is recognizing we have not done right by another and that we will seek to do right by them in the future. This is essential because it is our only hope for real change and transformation (Matthew 18:3; Acts 26:20). If we don’t admit our sin, it’s impossible to be renewed. If we do not acknowledge our sin what are we being renewed or transformed from?. If we do not acknowledge our wrong, we do not recognize the need to change. Repentance demonstrates that we need God to help us change our thinking, attitudes, and behavior. It communicates to the one we have wronged that we understand the nature of our sin, it's impact on them and that we will try our best with the help of the Holy Spirit to live a different way. Saying "I am sorry" is saying I will change.

Where Restitution is possible, we are to make it. Zacchaeus was the model we looked at in scripture last week. Sometimes the one who is owed restitution can wave that right (Matthew 18:25-27).  This is an act of grace and is a choice only the person who has been wronged can make.  We could not pay the price for our sin and so God had it fulfilled another way, through Jesus. He did not demand a price from us that we could not pay (Luke 7:41-42). This is forgiving the way God has forgiven us.

Forgiveness and Reconciliation. Forgiveness is holding no record of the wrong. Once I forgive, I no longer raise this as an example to make the person who wronged me feel guilty or ashamed. God puts my sin as far as the East is from the West. This is the example he has given. Then we work together to rebuild the relationship. This is what reconciliation is. Restoration. It is often better that what it was when both parties give their best effort and are committed to the process.

As a family we have tried to develop the language and pattern of forgiveness based on God's mode. if one of our children wronged another we walked through these steps.

"I am sorry I broke your toy, I know I hurt you. I will be more careful next time and treat your toys the way I would treat mine."

"I forgive you." (It doesn't always happen right away, sometimes the tone is wrong, baby steps!

Then they would have to go replace that item. If it was no longer available a suitable mutually agreed upon replacement would be purchased. sometimes our kids would wow us and not demand the replacement be made.

This is simple in theory but now one child does not trust the other with their things. Walking through a process of earning that trust back and learning to trust again will take time, patience and grace until true reconciliation can be achieved. i cannot make the choice for another to enter into that process. It takes two equally committed people to walk that road. I want someone to take that risk on me, therefore, I have to be willing to take a risk on them. I do this knowing in my own life just because I commit to change does not mean that it will happen right away. I still do what I do not want to do and realistically I have to have grace as those who have hurt me turn from their ways and learn new patterns.

As parents we have had to apologize to our children and demonstrate the steps of this process. It is very humbling to apologize to a child but there is no more beautiful thing than to hear them say "I forgive you Mom."

This all looks good on paper. We are not perfect, we do not always get this right. Different personalities have a hard time saying sorry, others struggle with wanting to resentfully hang on and keep a record of wrongs. sometimes one person struggles with both those things!!

This is a process that takes dogged persistence and we have to lead by example. We want to raise up adults who are humble enough to admit their wrong and gracious enough to forgive. I want to be someone who is humble and gracious. To reach our goal, Craig and I need to live this out in front of our kids, in our marriage, in our friendships and in our relationships with our children. this is the only way for them to grab it and internalize it.

Healthy boundaries and communication are essential for the journey towards true reconciliation and there are some great resources for this.

Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend have adapted this book for children, marriage, and leaders. These are essential skills for growing in these areas. Dr. Cloud has a facebook page and regularly publishes great articles looking into these tools and realities.

What happens when we refuse to follow the example God has laid out for us? What happens when there is habitual sin and no repentance? What if only one person works at reconciliation? How does this look when a step of the process is skipped?

What happens when we refuse to acknowledge the way God forgives and how to live that out in our relationships? We will look into that next week.