When was the last time you had a really good look at yourself?  As objective as you could get, have you analyzed your attitudes, behaviors, and choices?

God has me under the microscope lately. As His child, I invite Him to search me and know me, I ask Him to reveal my hidden sin.

It is uncomfortable sometimes.

Especially when I want to rationalize my attitudes, behaviors, and choices…

I love a phrase I heard today from our guest speaker Ken Esau. He is an Old Testament teacher from the Bible School our one son is attending. He said, “ We are to get behind Jesus and follow Him into life.”

When I don’t like the way life is going, I jump in front of Jesus and get busy trying to fix things back to the way I like them. Yeah, I know, it is ironic. I never once have succeeded. I have never once been happier or better off for it. Yet, it continues to be my default setting. You would think by now I would know better. Trust me, I wish I did.  I am the slowest learner around I think!

I am crazy hard headed!!

What does it mean to you?

What does it look like in everyday life?

“We are to get behind Jesus and follow Him into life.”

When I heard this phrase I thought of how baby elephants grab their Mama's tail and follow right behind.

I was reminded of that game where you are blindfolded and someone leads you through an obstacle course.

I always found the best way to play was to have that person directly ahead of me and follow them by gripping their arms, paying attention to their voice, physical movement, and honing all my other senses on them. When I did this, I got through the obstacle course. When I got bold and tried to step out on my own, I would walk face first into a wall or trip over something.

It also reminded me of learning to ballroom dance with my husband. To learn how to follow his leading, I would close my eyes and actually let him lead me.  I spent the first four classes this way.  As soon as I start to anticipate his next move, I fail to follow correctly and ruin the dance.

Following is hard. It requires trust and submission.  Following means no matter what comes my way, I am going to grip Jesus and let him lead me through, even if I don’t like how things are shaping up. I am going to grip him tight, tuck in behind him, step where he says to step and do what he says to do. I cannot do this if I do not know him. I can only do this if I am spending time in the Bible, learning who he is, allowing him to teach, correct, and transform me. This only works if I am spending time in prayer, listening, confessing, and practicing thankfulness. I have to live in step with the Holy Spirit, giving Him space to speak and learning to hear His voice.  I cannot follow on my own strength. My spirit is selfish, controlling and uncooperative on its own.

I know the only way to finish well is to get behind Jesus and follow Him into life.

I want to finish well.

That means I need to follow Jesus well!

The Discipline of Gratitude

It’s Thanksgiving, that makes the topic easy to pick this week! But, it isn’t actually an easy thing sometimes. We all give lip service to thankfulness and gratitude, but does our knowledge impact our behavior?

I am speaking to myself…

I go in spurts.

In my life, I have witnessed the benefits of gratitude and giving thanks:

• People who are honestly grateful are attractive to others. We are drawn to positivity. You can be going through huge challenges and learn to see the good. Honest gratitude doesn’t treat challenges and trials as trivial. Honest gratitude sees the silver lining in the midst of it all. It is the difference between “It could be worse..” and “Even in this…”

• Gratitude helps chase away anxiety. In the middle of a very dark time, it was listing gratitude or all God had done and was doing that got us through. When anxiety threatened to overwhelm me, reciting or reading that list grounded me, helped me breathe and get through the next moment. It was pivotal, undeniable, transforming.  Maybe that is why studies suggest people who practice gratitude before sleeping have a better sleep.

• Practicing gratitude changes our perspective. It refocuses us and brings balance to what we are thinking. It helps put things back in their proper place. ie. mountains return to being molehills.

• Research suggests that gratitude helps with resiliency. Generally, people who have endured trauma recover better when they practice gratitude. 

• It keeps us from being entitled and expecting life to go our way. In acknowledging what we have to be thankful for, we recognize that a life without that blessing is an actual possibility. We come to value it and recognize it’s worth rather than take it for granted.

This is by no means an exhaustive list. I am sure a google search would reveal many more benefits to developing the discipline of gratitude in our lives.  

Now to practice what I preach...

I am thankful for:

• A God who gave everything to save us and longs to know us personally
• This beautiful world we live in
• That I enjoy the freedoms and peace this country offers me
• I have an amazing family, the best parents & sister ever
• A faithful husband who loves me and our family the best he can
• Kids who are fun loving and love to be with us
• More amazing, real authentic friends than we deserve
• An amazing faith family at our church
• Our daily needs met in abundance

Ideas to create and expand the discipline of gratitude:

• Keep a journal by your bed, start and end your day by listing a few things you are thankful for
• Share something from your day you were thankful for at supper every evening together
• List a few things you are grateful or while doing your least favorite chore 

What are some ways you practice gratitude?

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Help I am a Mom: New Ground

Our family is quickly transitioning from a household of teenagers to a house of young adults who may or may not live here...in our home, with us.

This is not my favorite transition.

Ok, so I am not fond of transitions in general. I am VERY not fond of this one!!

This is new ground.

It is funny because each stage has been a wonderful surprise of joy, delight, and challenges. This parenting thing, while not for the faint of heart, is very interesting and crazy fun!

My kids are on new ground too.

There are endless possibilities in front of them. This can be overwhelming! Guiding them during this time is often very hands off.  I want to see what they are going to do!! Not what I think they should do!

From my perspective. The young adult years are a great place to be. From their perspective, it can be a little daunting at times. OK, a lot daunting. Well, really the future feels like a tidal wave that is going to crush them.

Here is the thing I want my kids to know about new ground.

1. There is a lot of adventure to be had when on new ground. put aside your angst and grab your exploration gear!!
   
2. You have never been here and never will be again.  Have some fun with this!!
3. There are many ways to approach new ground. Mix it up a little! You don't have to do what everyone else is doing!
   
4. There is no hurry. That needs repeating! THERE IS NO HURRY! This is not a race.You have time.  Stop looking at what everyone else is doing, comparing and getting anxious. Take your time and enjoy the journey. 
5. It's your journey, it isn't supposed to look like anyone else's!! You are one of a kind, there is no one like you, no one's journey will look like yours. There will be similarities, but your road is your own.
   
6.  You will never be this free from commitments, responsibilities, and have this time again. It is a really special time. So reflect, dream a little, learn what you want and do it!
7.  Life is actually happening. You don't have to wait for school to be done to start living, life is what happens while you are in school. 
   
8. Ask questions. What did people do when they were your age? What do your friends want to do? What do people wish they had done? When you are 80, what memories are you going to wish you had?
9. Pay attention! What is interesting? What don't you like? What gets you excited? Do you like routine or do you need change? Do you like things to be predictable or do you like a challenge? Do you need the challenge of constant learning?  Job shadow, ask people what they do and what they like about their jobs.
   
     
10. Life is not a straight line. Don't' worry so much about what you are going to do with your life. The road you are on is going to lead you where you need to be. don't be so wound up about it!!

No one gets to the end of their life having done it all. We all wish we would have traveled more, taken that risk, explored that opportunity.  The goal is to get to the end of life with as few "I wish I had..." statements as possible!  Listen to your heart! And as my husband used to say as our kids went out the door...

Make good choices!!!

64 ways to find the humor in things

Life is funny. This past week Lisa and I were joking about me submitting to her blog for the next couple of weeks. She wasn’t joking. So here I am with a deadline of 3 hours submitting my second post to her blog.

My wife is very prolific with her words. She expresses herself well and is very aware of her feelings. Me not so good.

What I do well is find the humor in things. I get this from my Dad. When his best friend passed away my Dad and his friends were enlisted as paul bears (see what I did there). As they were transporting the casket to the graveside my Dad said, “You know, I don’t remember Ron being this heavy.” They almost dropped the casket.

I also am a fan of lists. So here is my blog post on 64 ways to find the humor in things.

1. Don’t look too hard 

We want to be happy. We want to laugh. We want to find joy. Sometimes, we try to hard. I love jokes and I love telling jokes. I love it even more, and consider it a personal victory when I have to explain a joke.

Q: Why was the boy crying? 

A: He had a squirrel stapled to his face. 

It’s funny because it isn’t.

Don’t judge me.

Humor is everywhere. I was walking past some city workers placing a cement tube around some pipes in a school yard. They were debating whether they should put a lid on it because kids would put their trash in the tube. A brilliant worker replied with the thought that they probably wouldn’t because it said gross on the outside of the tube (It was referring to weight). Brilliant and naive at the same time.

He looks dumb. Right?

All the crows on my walk to work are named George. They each have unique personalities. I think one of them is brain damaged or on drugs. I will walk passed him with no more than two feet separating us. He doesn’t move. He is usually starring at the ground not moving, or looking at himself in a puddle. Maybe he is just vain. The thing is. There is humor everywhere. Don’t look to hard.


2. Find the funny in you 


Because I am a Christian. I do find myself thinking about things like Jesus, and God, and other things of that nature. What I’ve seen too many religious people do is take their religion and themselves to seriously. I screw up so often that (we in the Christian community call it sin) if I wanted to, I could curl up in the fetal position and never move. But that isn’t what God has in store for me. He offers me the opportunity to share my sins with him (Again, in our community we call it confession), turn from those sins (repentance), and have a clean slate with him (Justified: Just if I’d never sinned. Sound it out people). All this so that he can have a relationship with me. I think he gets the raw end of the deal but he doesn’t think that.

On the, let’s call them non-sin issues. I mess up even more. I wear socks with sandals. I have a facebook group called socks with sandals. I have no fashion sense. Before I leave the house, I have to check with Lisa to make sure everything goes together. When I don’t check with her I might get to hear, “Did you go out like that?” I’m batting about 50%, which is still a pass. Yay me. I am so humbled by my foibles (bet you have to look that up in the dictionary), that I simply laugh at myself. You can laugh at me too.

I would never wear white with thongs
because standards

There is funny in you. That funny can be an embarrassment or an opportunity for a little laughter. Go with the ladder (yep).

3. Find the funny in others (But don’t be mean about it) 

We are all so different on this ball hurtling at 30 kilometers per second. I celebrate peoples differences. I celebrate our quirkiness. Speaking of foibles, I once did a wedding where the bride was speaking her vows to her soon to be husband. The word foibles was actually in the vows, but when it came time to say them the word changed. It went something like this, “I will put up with your follables just like you will put up with my follables.” Read that out loud. You really need to hear it to appreciate it. They are still married (18 years) and committed to each other. They are wonderful people who bring a smile to my face whenever I think of them.

Children are also a fabulous source of amusement (whether they are yours or someone else’s). I chased my son right into the tailgate of a pickup. Split his eyebrow right open and got to sit with him as they glued him back together. It was tragic but hilarious at the same time. You should have seen his head snap back as he careened off the truck. For more kid fails check this out. If you don’t have much time go to the 2:28 mark and have a laugh.

Author's Note: It’s never funny to use other people’s funniness to put them down or hurt them with it. That is the lowest form of humor.

4. Find people to share the funny with 

I have a number of friends (Really, I do, at least 5, if kids count than 8 because they have to). Sharing in laughter can really make tough situations a little more manageable. During some of the darkest years of our life, we had friends that were there to simply laugh with. Now when we get together, we just start off where we left off. We know each others lives and still love each other.

64. There is no way finding humor should take 64 steps 

I’m sorry that I mislead you there (You have to forgive me because…Jesus). Actually at some point I hope to write a book about this. My gofundme page will be up sometime in the next 20 years. Thanks for believing in me and contributing to it.

Life is funny.  Sometimes it hits like this.

And that sucks.

But there is still laughter to be had and joy to be found.

Let me leave you with my favorite joke of all time given to me by my wife Lisa.

Lisa: Ask me if I’m an orange
Craig: Are you an orange
Lisa: No
It’s funny cause it’s Lisa.

Take care
Craig

Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

September...UGH

If you ask me if I like Fall, I will say yes. An enthusiastic YES!

 If you ask me if I like September, you will get such a negative response that you may assume I greatly dislike Fall as a whole!

September is not the same as fall for me. It is a month of transition.

It signals the passing of the carefree days of summer. Watermelon, playing at the lake and setting our own schedule. 

It is the end of bare feet, shorts, a T-shirt and patio nights.

September feels like this abrupt change in life. It comes so hard and fast that it leaves me reeling to find my footing for what seems like weeks.

UGH!

When our kids became old enough for school, it marked the imposition of a schedule. The school bell now dictated our lives. If it was a beautiful day, we couldn't just pick up and go outside to play at the lake together.  There were school and review and activities starting up. I felt a little robbed. OK, I felt significantly robbed!! I have always resented the ring of that bell!

At this stage of life, September means driving our kids to far off locations and leaving them there. It now is alerting me to the passing of time in a new way.  This transition seems to get worse with time because I know what to expect. In this case

 knowing what to expect does not actually make things easier! This is not good for my relationship with September, we are already on very unstable and rocky terms...

Thank goodness Sydney and Connor are home this year!!!

On the other hand, I love fall for the colors and glory of the changing leaves. I love the creativity that these glorious colors inspire.Our hometown shows this season off with a flourish.  My street has this beautiful archway of vivid changing color. I enjoy taking time to listen to the fall breeze rustle through the trees. It is a soothing sound. In Fall, there is a restful peace that descends as the world relinquishes itself to it's winter sleep.

September marks the beginning of this for me and every year I have to fight my way through the transition to embrace the beauty of the change. Not my greatest month.  I beg you not to form an idea of my character and person through this month. I am not at my best.  Check back in October...I may be worth your time!!

Here We Are...AGAIN!!

Here we are again, I thought practice would make me better at this. It has not.
Time is my enemy and my friend.
Moments give me precious memories.
Yet they feel all too fleeting.
I feel like I have all the time in the world, and yet not enough.

Our first born boy is off.
Making his way.
Testing new waters.

It is magnificent.

And yet my heart hurts.

A few years ago the Dave Mathews Band wrote a song You & Me. It resonated deeply and immediately I felt like it was “our song” for the next season of life. Craig and I had never had a song, and it felt cheesy, so I never said anything.

Here is the chorus and bridge:

Oh, and when the kids are old enough
We're gonna teach them to fly

You and me together
We can do anything, baby

We can always look back at what we did
Always memory of you and me, baby
Right now, it's you and me forever, girl
And you know we can do better than anything I would do
You know that you and me, we could do anything

Let me be clear, without God, we could not have done this hard thing called raising children. If I am clinging to God and because of God's goodness to me, I have Craig by my side, I can do anything. It is a miracle Quin made it to 18. I cannot tell you how seriously I mean this.

It seems like yesterday I heard this song for the first time and we were years from teaching our kids how to fly and now here we are.
What's more is, this isn't our first time!!

Now, if you are not the same as me and launching your kid is sweet joy and pleasure for you, embrace it.  Love it and do not question it. There is nothing wrong with that at all! We are not all alike and neither are we meant to be.

It is bittersweet for me.
I am 90% relational and 10% get stuff done. I love having my kids around.

Quin has been our joy and our action. He has kept us on our toes. He has shaped my character immensely and given us such sweet laughter and challenge. He has humbled us and made us better.  

Everything Quin does is wholehearted and he drives us to fully engage. Oh the stories we have!

He, like every other child, will leave a big, wide, gaping hole. His place is unique in our family. His strengths and weaknesses fill a particular void. He is our song and our dance.

It is hard to imagine our home and family without his interesting conversation and lively teasing.

In short.
I miss my boy.

It is good and it is right.

It will be so amazing to watch him continue to grow and become the person he is meant to be.

He never fails to surprise and delight us. It is going to be incredible supporting him in the next stage of our journey.

By the grace of God we got him to 18 alive and by the grace of God he is an amazing kid who is kind, hard working, musical, academic and fun loving.

We are so proud and yet know our part was small.

Quin, you have taught us more than we ever taught you and we are head over heels for you kid!

Give it all you've got! We are always and forever in your corner, cheering, believing in you, grinning ear to ear. What a ride!


Oh, and when the kids are old enough
We're gonna teach them to fly
You and me together, we can do anything..

Forgiveness Part 4: What If The One Who Wronged Me Does Not Confess?

Being human can be so hard sometimes. It is so awful that we hurt one another willfully and accidentally. We fail one another repeatedly and that is why a good, thorough, Biblical understanding of forgiveness is so necessary.

The pattern of forgiveness we have looked at in the previous posts has been based on God's model and the call to forgive as he has forgiven us. God does this perfectly whereas we as humans mishandle it. In human hands, it can break down at any point.

Often it is confession that trips us up. Being masters of rationalization, we excuse our behavior and talk ourselves out of the need to own our behavior. We fail to properly apologize. The saying "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." rings true in this situation. You may not have intended hurt but your actions caused hurt. To own it and not put that on another is emotionally healthy. It is the difference between "I am sorry I hurt you." (owning it) and " I am sorry you were hurt by what I did." (not owning it and making their hurt their problem).

What happens when Confession doesn’t happen?

Scripture tells us that before we confess and repent, we are enemies of God

(Romans 5:7-10).  However, even while we were his enemies he loved us.Similarly, people who have wronged us have placed themselves against us. They are now our enemy.

Jesus gave specific direction to his followers on how to treat our enemy.

Matthew 5:43-44
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’  But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,

“But I say to you, love your enemies.” How are we to love?  "Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets" (Matthew 7:12).

When someone fails to confess, they have placed themselves against us. They have become in a way, our enemy. Our human reaction to this is to hate, seek revenge, hope the worst for them. This is not how God handles us when we are his enemy. He sent Jesus to bridge the gap and make a way back for us, he sought our best and yet, while we are in that position of enemy, there are boundaries. We do not get to enjoy reconciliation or the fullness of his presence. If we follow God's example, we love our enemy, pray for them, and continue to treat them the way we would want to be treated.

This means we do not give in to behavior we ourselves do not want shown to us. We do not hate, seek revenge or give into the desires of our human nature. Instead we recognize that we have also hurt and wronged others. We recognize that as I desire grace from God and others, I will extend grace to others. We recognize it is not our right to seek payment. God will avenge if he deems it necessary (Leviticus 19:18, Romans 12:19-21). He will hold us accountable. I release my need for this and acknowledge that it is God’s right (Romans 14:12; Hebrews 4:13).

To have someone ignore the step of confession breaks the relationship. We are left with pain that has no resolution. When an offense goes unrecognized, it is often harder to sort through the devastation, hurt and anger and come to a place where we are not consumed by bitterness and rage.

We can find healing, validation and comfort that our pain is acknowledged by our Lord (Psalm 147:3) and that Christ has experience life on earth. He has been betrayed, he experienced grief and abandonment first hand. He was slandered. He suffered at the hands of men. He knows. Yet he demonstrated praying for his enemies.  “Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34).

It is in prayer for our enemy that God softens our hearts. He uses our faithfulness in prayer for those who have wronged us to feel love instead of hate, mercy instead of bitterness and grace in place of revenge. Through prayer God helps us release it. The result for our soul is freedom, the same as if we forgave someone who had repented. Through prayer he brings us to a place where we are ready to forgive as he is always ready to forgive. He enables us to release the outcome to him without cheapening forgiveness and it’s requirements.

This takes time, is often a cyclical process of working through the steps of grief. It is important to find safe people who will give you space and time to feel what you feel, understand, give a listening ear and be patient with you. People who will let you travel with gentle encouragement, compassionate insight when you hit a roadblock and who have a commitment to stick with you giving you hope that you will reach the other side.

The other side is when there is confession with no repentance. Change takes time. this is a little trickier to navigate. It the sin is repetitive, there has to be some protection for the one being consistently hurt. People who say sorry yet fail to change are dangerous. You need to protect yourself.

When confession and repentance have not occurred, we set up boundaries. Boundaries keep us from unnecessary harm. God’s boundary is that we do not have communion with him when we have not recognized him as Lord (1 John 3:10).  When people sin against us and do not  follow the biblical model of repentance, we set limits that are appropriate. This creates safety, communicates that a transgression has occurred that needs to be addressed and is very appropriate.

Dr. Henry Cloud is consistently publishing helpful articles on how to navigate this road. While he and I define forgiveness differently, he has steps to help clarify the boundaries. Help from a strong social support is essential as you set these boundaries. They will be challenges, you may be bullied or made to feel that you are unreasonable. You will start to doubt yourself and the steps you have taken to protect yourself.

This is how we seek to live in accordance with God’s example. This is how we forgive as God forgave us.  This is how we seek to live when others sin against us and do not follow the biblical model laid out by God. it is difficult and costs us, yet there is a way to wholeness even when it breaks down. God is enough for this, he can move us through to releasing it to him and trusting him with the outcome. He is big enough.